Brother invites himself for Christmas Day

[nanotech]

I've been posting for a while on this brilliant site. This is the first thread I've begun myself.
I've been LC to VLC with family of origin for a good few years now. I love my family of choice.

I see my UNPDdad and used to attend family parties, but only fairly recently have I stopped attending these. They are usually endurance tests where abuse takes place. I realised that though I was coming Out of the FOG, I was still attending  these in order to fulfill misplaced obligations.

These weird and wonderful restaurant parties are uncomfortably staged to impress the public ( and I think they believe it themselves too). They are infrequent, but intense as a false show of unity and family empathy is displayed at them. It began to stick in my throat. The rest of the year is spent gossiping unkindly about the scapegoat ( me and mine) and no normal family communication takes place.
Older sister is a undiagnosed narcissist. For many years I thought she had my back. Turns out she will happily throw me under the bus to suit her aims. Mum has done this too.

Golden child brother is an undiagnosed narcissist. He's ignored me for a long time. He doesn't want to socialise.
Okay. Neither do I.  The youngest of four, mum was so delighted to have a boy, then when he was challenging and difficult to manage, she decided to give in to him on everything.
This resulted in him ruling the family home from the age of 4.
Now at 49 he still wishes to rule the family. When mum was alive she would tell me to let him ' be the boss' and I'd refuse. I was punished for refusing.
I was scapegoated.
I've had  many many run ins with my brother. I'm the only one who wouldn't  cow tow to him.
He's grandiose and entitled.  He's condescending to his sisters and he sees them as less than him.

Dad is an undiagnosed elderly narcissist. Mum  was I think BPD. Both had major issues. The love is and was conditional.

UNPD brother managed to marry someone just like him. Us girls were only valued when we could do something for him. Mum used to triangulate this. She would also use us to influence him when she herself wanted him to do something, but was too afraid of ruining her relationship with him to confront him.

I'm VLC with them but I'm having my dad over for Christmas.
After years and years  of ignoring invitations to come see us, my brother now suddenly wants to perform a two hour round trip on Christmas Day and drive him up to my house.
He's never been t my house. I've never been to his.
This would put dad's arrival time in the hands of my brother.
Dad keeps telling me how kind brother is being.  What a kind gesture. How it will help me if he shares the driving. ( about an hour each way)
I don't want to see my brother on Christmas Day. I didn't invite my brother.
Perhaps he wants a nice little jolly away from the wife and her parents( lots of friction there this year) but I'm damned if I'm providing the get out of jail free card.

It's either that or it's a control issue, or both.

I'm feeling unpleasantly pressured.

It isn't being kind.
I think my dad would love him to drive up to ours.  Then we'd have to invite him in and I could even see him staying for Christmas  lunch!
My dad says that brother is now complaining that he's not going to see him over Christmas.
I need to remind dad that this is because he has said he's not invited to his relatives home  this year. ( friction with the in laws. Brother usually takes dad to the in laws' house and they cook. Dad gets fed but has to endure the in -laws whom he loathes. He's told me so many times how much he dislikes them! I don't encourage this kind of talk. He say they show off - perhaps he's met his match!)

So instead, they are having a meal two days after Christmas. A restaurant meal.

I said' That's good'. Medium chilled it.
Dad said,

' I've invited your sister too and she's coming. It's on me. Niece (unpdnarc) will be coming. I'm paying, just so you know it's my treat, so just see what you think about it.'

I told him that we wouldn't be able to come because very busy with other family. ( true; but didn't want to go)

Dad then told me that was fine because he hadn't invited me. :

'Dad, you just invited me!'

'No I didn't!'

'Dad, I just heard you invite me!'

'No, I thought you would probably be busy with ( young family member) so I wasn't going to ask you. I was just telling you about it.'

No he didn't. He heard me say that, then he uninvited me.

It's not the first time he's invited me then uninvited me following a no from me.

Hubby thinks he's gone senile but  it's gaslighting going on.

Can't he just let hubby pick him up on Christmas day, then drop him home?

My brother trying to involve himself is just the pits.

Does anyone relate?

[illogical]

Hi nanotech,

I think it's inconsiderate and rude for your brother to invite himself for Christmas Day.  I would tell your dad that the invitation for lunch does not include your brother, and that your DH will be happy to provide transportation for your dad.  If that doesn't work for your dad, maybe you and he can get together at another time. 

I agree with your assessment that your brother just wants to control the situation.  That, and he feels entitled to do whatever he pleases and he doesn't care if it inconveniences you.

Regarding your dad's invitation to the restaurant meal, he carefully made the invitation into a statement-- "I'm paying, just so you know it's my treat, to just see what you think about it" -- rather than come out and ask you if you would like to attend.  This is very passive-aggressive, and he phrased the invite that way so he wouldn't have to face a rejection on your part.  That's the reason he became miffed when you called him out on it (my two cents). 

My mother was a passive-aggressive N, and my GC brother, who lives several states away is also a N (I suspect).  I am NC with my GC brother.  Back when I was engaging with him, he very frequently insinuated himself into social events, and habitually showed up after I invited him to lunch or to my house with uninvited guests.  It was very insulting to me.  It was as if he said, "I'll do what I want, go where I want and invite who I want.  And I don't give a f**k what you want.  You are insignificant to me."

If you don't want your brother at your house at Christmas, I would not put up with him trying to insert himself into your holiday.  Period.  You have a reasonable alternative to offer your dad-- i.e., your husband picking him up and dropping him off-- so if your dad doesn't want to take you up on that, that's on him.  I wouldn't feel a bit guilty about cancelling the whole affair if dad insisted your brother be involved. 

[appaloosa]

I wouldn't allow your brother to sabotage your Cmas. Agree with above--tell your dad that either your Hubs will be providing the transportation on Cmas, or you can cancel and arrange another get together at a future date. It def sounds like your bro is using you to avoid his in laws.

[nanotech]

Thank you so much for your responses, Illogical and Appaloosa
I see that I need to be rather more sure of myself and even more assertive on this.  They get me doubting myself even now!
Arrrgh it's so annoying!
Thanks for the validation. I am taking your advice on it and if any more is said about UNPD brother bringing him, I will state that if he'd really rather see brother on Christmas Day then we can reschedule, but otherwise hubby is happy to pick him up, and drop him home, and that's what is going to happen. 

Illogical,  you've had similar stuff to deal with. Yes that's exactly it, he wants the control.
If bro wants to take him out for Christmas Day instead- then ok.
All this began because brother can't take him to wife's in -laws this year ( been there the last 2years-he dislikes them) because he's fallen out with them,  and they haven't offered to cook one for him themselves. He' won't pay  Christmas Day restaurant prices.

This is why we offered this year.
I've two sisters living near who don't really cook or invite anyone round for food. They are a bit like hermits. It's the way they've become due to our upbringing. For years and years we did the party  food, for all, and often took  it round to our parent's home for everyone to eat.
We lived the furthest away yet brought ALL the food.
Then I realised we were feeding people who had been and were still, abusive to us. Driving for an hour with food - much of it balanced on my lap- it's happened quite a lot. We stopped that. 
Interesting that at the party where I said it was going to be the last time we did it, older UNPD sister declared that she wasn't going to eat. And she didn't!  It upset hubby who tried to coax her into trying something.  She loved that attention. I ignored her.
She then turned up in restaurants and didn't eat, or had only a dessert. Just. Weird. Always an odd reason for it.
But we didn't learn straight away. We stupidly replaced our 'service role' ( well hubby did)  by insisting on paying most of the bill at any restaurant meals that were booked to replace hubs and me cooking.   
Hubby is really good hearted like that, but it is unfair when it's every time.They just have no shame.
In a family like mine, they take it as an entitlement.
So we've stopped going to those meals. 
They are false, uncomfortable and nasty anyway.  The narc part of the family will often have a party following the party in order to talk about the non narcissists in derogatory ways. It's their idea of fun.
I've only JUST realised this recently. Sigh.

Yes illogical, that's right, I now see what he did- my dad HALF invited me to the meal in order to deny the asking if it was a no!

I did call him out,  and the repeated denial was pure gaslighting!  I actually laughed at one point!
I think I know why he wanted us there. He's very very  mean with money.
He can say ' my treat'  till the cows come home, but he knows that on the day  my hubby wouldn't let him pay it all.
The others will.
The other thing that happens is that  such promises often turn out to be gaslighting.
So he'd like us to go, probably due to the fact that he won't have to pay the bill, or at least only a little of it.
Also we gave in the past been helpful at  dropping  people off either at home or at the bus station ( long trek) after the meal ended.
The station dropping- off is well out of our way - we have to drive to a nearby city and we've been happy to do it lots  of times for her. Otherwise she has two long bus  journeys.
She's always been thankful but she's then controlled what time we leave so that it suited her journey in terms of bus times. Not really on. There was  this assumption that it was our ' job'.
You can't put your finger on it, but it's there. After the  last party, ( we didn't attend), she kept sending my older daughter weary texts of her journey home and details of  how long it took!
She's another one that hasn't learned to drive. Her mum is car- phobic.
This is the same niece who has now ghosted my texts,  since I questioned why this party had seemed to have a selective guest list that my younger daughter was NOT on?  Younger chick was born with a massive BS detector, and she sees straight through the narcs in the family. Not that she wanted to go,  but ghosting certain family members isn't kind., We gave her a long time to invite her, before I said anything. I didn't jump in ther like a b****. Then there's just incredulity that you've dared ask anything like that at all! As if they are beyond reproach or something.
  She CAN be a lovely girl, but  her mum is UNPD, she is under the influence of UNPDBrother and I think she's now got traits herself.

[nanotech]

Wow Illogical, reading about your brother bringing unwanted guests to your home, I can see that's what my dad is trying to do too!
He's just as keen as my UNPDBrother for him to come to my house. In effect he's inviting an unwanted guest.
It's  10.20 am which is a little early to ring him  ( he complains)but I actually can't wait and will ring him soon.
I can't tell you how much you two have both helped me and given me the eyes to see that it's not the ' kind gesture' it's dressed up to be.
Brother has also texted me regarding this then told dad I've ' said no.'
Didn't I know  how busy he is and how I can't be very busy , how many messages he gets and how I probably don't get very many!(meaning I'm important and popular and you're not!)!
Also, all about the massive commute he has to work and back. This is a dig at me too as I don't work. I used to though, and I've done long commutes for years.
He told me he 'had no idea'  what his stepchild wants for Christmas I'd better ask her as it's nothing to do with him as she's a grown up now! ( yet he texts me about MY adult child).
Honestly, the more I write it down the worse I see it actually is!
I actually think my brain is still trained to take this BS.
I need to be watchful.
It's just all horrible at the moment.
After he realised he wasn't going to get a reply he texted my adult daughter to say he thought I was acting strangely and that he was 'concerned' about me! Ha ha a 'men in white coats' moment!
Daughter was initially concerned too/ he's so
plausible.
He never thinks he's done anything wrong.,

How many NPD men have in the past had their wives/ relatives committed just m to suit their aim?

Well if this causes me any more bother it is clearly  going to be the last year I offer.
Sigh. I always think these things are going to be simple.
I've lots of other stories to tell on this forum.  I haven't said the half of it, partly out of worrying about being identified. But now I'm thinking, so what?
Thanks again illogical and appaloosa, you are  absolute precious gems. Xx

[illogical]

Those times when GC brother would bring uninvited guests, I wasn't Out of the FOG yet and hadn't put two and two together.  Now, looking back on it, I can see a pattern of behavior there.  And that pattern is, Ns almost always travel with an entourage, even if it's an entourage of one!  They have to have a sychophant (or two or three or four or more) to boost their ego and make sure they aren't outnumbered by others.  So with your brother and dad, they can each try to garner all the attention and the spotlight for themselves.  Strength in numbers. 

After we became adults and moved out of our parents' house, I can count on my left hand how many times I saw my brother just me and him.  He always had a friend, a girlfriend or wife, or his son in tow.  This went on for years.  Then, when my parents' health starting failing, he moved several states away so he wouldn't have to deal with the situation. I stupidly stayed in town and tried to be the dutiful daughter.  Fast forward to after my enF died and my mother "re-entered" my atmosphere.  GC brother would come in town to check on my NM's financial situation.  Again, he would almost always travel with someone-- a girlfriend, a wife, his son, or even a neighbor. 

When my NM died, I had been NC with GC brother and NM for about a year and a half.  GC brother came to my house the next day to tell me the news about NM passing.  I did not answer the door.  I could see from my bedroom window that he had a friend with him.  He left a note on my door explaining when the funeral would take place. 

My point in all of this is that Ns tend to travel with an entourage.  The more the merrier, because they can bask in the adoration of their sychophants and use their strength in numbers to bully up on the Scapegoat.  It's much easier to garner all the attention and be dismissive of you if they have that entourage.  So yeah, I'm suggesting that your dad and your brother would probably like nothing better than to come to your house and put on their "dog and pony" show.  Entitlement at its best.  Think nothing about how your invitation wasn't given to your brother-- that's just another reason they can try to make you look like the bad girl here if you don't go along with their plan:  "Nanotech is so selfish.  Brother offered to drive dad all that way, but she doesn't want him there." 

But you are wise to their game.  Stay strong, nanotech!

[nanotech]

Wow, thanks illogical.
I spoke to dad. He tried to bring up the conversation about the restaurant meal, still insisting he hadn't invited me!  I think he wanted me to say I was mistaken. I reiterated that he had, invited me, he got all flustered and said his memory wasn't going as he can remember lyrics to songs! WTH.I said it wasn't important anyway. He carried ON. He said the meal might not go ahead anyway blah blah. I said it wasn't important if it went ahead or not as I wasn't going! He walked into that one- he gave me a chance to dismiss its relevance.

He mentioned that UNPDBrother had travelled to pick up his stepchild and brought them home for chrimbo. They were  both coming to visit him on Christmas Eve.
Great,  dad! That's lovely.
This is the child my brother told me he had no idea about what on Earth they were doing for Christmas.
She's a good kid, and I sent her an e voucher rather than ask  my brother again. I feel sorry for this stepchild as her  real dad is estranged so my brother has acted as her dad for the past nine years.
This child has had challenges, and that's been one of them.i really would never EVERwant my awful brother as a parent. Apart from his disorder, he's selfish and obnoxious.

I could tell when she began to work part time from 13 that brother was being tight with money.

I always had to do that too. I worked two jobs when I was doing my A levels in the 70s.
I was still told that I was being ' kept' by my dad, who was jealous that I got the chance to study at that level. ( another tale)
My brother never had to  a part -time job for extra cash growing up. Not that it can't sometimes be  a good thing, or that it's always related to parental meanness. It just was in mine and stepchild's case.
Work money gives you a bit of control as well, when it is a meanness situation.
At least they didn't ask me for rent. It was spoken about. I needed to always know how lucky I was.

What you said about them preferring to be close, be
around each other in order to feed off each other, and to gang up on the scapegoats-yes, definitely- they hunt in packs!  Horse and pony act- yup! 

Whenever I ring dad, I can always tell who he's been speaking with that day. If it's the narcissistic members of the family ) especially if he's been round a whole group of them) he's so arrogant, dismissive and negative.
If it's someone from the church or a neighbour, he's mild and even kind when talking. It's so odd.

I think brother is going on Christmas Eve to try to push his buttons of arrogance and pomposity,ready for the next day!
I think he worries about dad ' absconding' to ' our side'.
Why gives a flying flamingo? We don't want dad 'on our side'! Nor do we need that.

Oh dear. Life's too short for all of this. 
It's just embarrassing.

You've had a tricky time with your bro. In everyday life, I try to seek out the good guys. People I chat with- I think ahh you are a decent man/ woman . You'd have made a lovely brother/ sister ! Friends can become brothers and sisters to us. 
They need to realise that we're under no obligation to them. My UNPDBROTHER still thinks we are all under the same roof, with him still able to call all the shots.

Dad doesn't like feeling beholden to us, another reason he is uncomfortable with the Christmas Day arrangements. I think he thinks it empowers us or something like that! This showed when in the phone calls he mentioned how him and mum had to walk from one set of parents to the other. I was in the pushchair.
' so I hope you appreciate that?'
'What dad? '
' That we put you in the pushchair?'
' Why?'
Because you didn't have to walk!'

''Dad, I was a child! That's what you do with children!'
( I was actually a baby. I had to be under two because after that we moved towns and they had a car)
' Yes but we had to walk and you didn't!'
🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪😩

[nanotech]

Update is that Christmas Day went really well.
Dad was on best behaviour.  I had to be a firm about the time he went home, as he was set to stay all evening as well as all day.
That was tough! Being assertive with him is hard. Hubby helped.
Dad said to him, ' I'm ok for a couple of hours now aren't I?'
Hubby said 'ah I think nano said around 6 might be a good time to think about getting back?'
( two hour round trip for hubs and neither of us wanted him getting home at 10pm. Dad clearly fine with it though )
Then he came into the kitchen and asked me ( in a big voice and winking!)  ' did you mention6?' and I came in the room saying
'Oh yes dad, we didn't want you to get too tired and get you settled home before it's late. '

It ended up being 6.30,  so dad was happy he got the extra half hour and I was happy too,  because I had said 6 in order to achieve 6.30. 

Spoke to him today though and ( sigh) he's now been PDed all week by certain family members.
So he's still 'nice' after a fashion, but it's now peppered with the usual sneaking narcissistic arrogance.
It's such a shame. He just dances the dance of whoever he is around. And talks the talk of
whoever he has last been around.

Apparently  I've been 'summoned' to another family get together in a few week's  time. The 'summons' is from UNPDniece and, unbelievably, the 11 year old child of my UNPD brother who has decreed, ' I want everyone to come!'
Clearly it's UNPDBro and my dad who really want to reassert control over the fam.
Nice try, but no cigar. 
Wow!  That's young for a flying monkey!
A lovely child who hasn't got a freaking chance of growing up OK, IMO.

I said we may not be able to make it , but that we will see him on or around his birthday. He seemed satisfied with that. Two parties are better than one after all!

Suits us too. No more toxic meals for me. Dad on his own is ok because he has no one  there fanning his ego.

[nanotech]

It's pressure though, every time one of these meals rears its ugly head.
Even its discussion with dad creates 'contact' with them.
I get told what everyone said at the meal,
It seems to be mostly a discussion of the next meal!
My urge to compete again - it rises up, and I have to beat it down. 
It's so difficult to feel neutral.
I think it's tougher at the moment, because it's Christmas.

I'm now up at 3.30am, worrying about when the next attempt to 'get us all together' will occur.
I clearly need an action plan. 
Something I can tell my dad. 
(Hmm nano, how about when dad mentions the next flipping familyUNPD  passive aggressive point- scoring scapegoating meal attack, I just say 'No'?

I'm clearly being a wimp here. Why? Well.....
I did notice that when I said no this time it wasn't assertive. I jaded somewhat. I gave 'reasons', and the whole thing sounded lame.
Ho hum. So why didn't I remember to just say

'Dad, that won't work for us.'
?
I know exactly why. When I rang,  I was still basking in the great day we'd had Christmas Day, and all of his compliments.
I forgot that for dad, once the event  is over, it's over, and he's looking then for the next big ego hit.
The UNPD family then saw him twice in one week.
This was a classic NPD love- bombing session, which built upon itself- and suddenly there he was, acting all superior and grandiose once more. 
Flip.
I had allowed him to catch me unawares. I was enjoying feeling confident that I was the 'top kid' right now. I had allowed him to make me feel jealous.
Whoops! There I was, 'doing the dance' without even realising it!   

I thought I wasn't going to do that anymore?   

Huh 🤔 my enemy is still, at times, myself.

I understand- dad enjoys the whole thing! He doesn't realise yet, that I've stopped competing with the others for his love.

Have I though?

I hope so.
Eek.
This is what happens when you wake up at three in the morning. You answer your own questions, and gain some insight. 🤪😇😉

[Groundhog Day]

Reading your post reminded me prior to Out of the FOG. Christmas, Thanks Giving, Easter was always at my house.
When my children moved away (one 6 hrs and the other 10 hrs drive) we then would gather to their hometown on special occasions.  Of course, we had to bring PBDm and F with us when we went out of town to visit my children. M claims that since she paid gas or gave extra money she is entitled. She does not comprehend that we did not have to tag them along everytime we went somewhere. We did not do it for the money.
Because they are buying lunch, gifts, giving money, it gives them the right to boss you around and mistreat people. You drove a total of 4 hours to please your F. They just don't get it.
I am happy to hear your family gathering went well!

[nanotech]

Thanks Groundhog Day.
Yes they do think that paying for a meal/ petrol etc entitles them to be the boss of everything for that day and for the foreseeable future!
My dad sometimes got far on promising to pay and telling everyone about it, getting the spotlight of gratitude and admiration on him, then backing out on a technicality. My son's   promised treat at a sport venue ( declared in front of people he wanted to impress) was abruptly and unceremoniously cancelled because
' It's a scandal that they make pensioners pay full price so I'm  not doing it now.'
On other occasion he's let me pay for my meal ( I was at reception and just forgot what dad had said and paid in advance. My dad was there) having previously promised to pay it ( I paid my own room costs and train costs to take him to a family funeral).
He then moaned at me more than once the next morning( day of auntie's funeral!) for going to bed leaving him to pay for 'two coffees and my steak sauce! 
He then feigned illness and tried to disrupt the whole day. ( another story)
He often says ' my treat' but then  doesn't insist and the family meals have often ended up with me and hubby paying the most.
We've done this a lot.
I think it's what they call idiot compassion.
UNPDbrother  will sit there in a restaurant  and not even get his own child a dessert ( she adores ice cream) so my hubby would buy her one.
It's not the money, it's the entitled attitude and the one- sideness of it all.
That must have been hard, taking them with you on those long drives! Car journeys are so easy for PDs to work their mischief. You're a sitting target on them!
Hope you has an amazing Christmas! Xx