Making you feel unattractive

[Fortuna]

  if I or one of our kids go to hug her she turns defensively and pushes her hip out and pulls her head back while pushing away with her arms.   

If she's turning away hugs from kids as well, it may not be an attractiveness thing. She may have some issue with displaying affection in this way. It sounds like she does not like to be touched in general. Have you talked to her about this? There might be a reason (could be trauma related). If there is, its possible counseling could help. Does she have some other form of love language? you may need to look for her affection in a different way.

[Jsinjin]

Fortuna:
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If she's turning away hugs from kids as well, it may not be an attractiveness thing. She may have some issue with displaying affection in this way. It sounds like she does not like to be touched in general. Have you talked to her about this? There might be a reason (could be trauma related). If there is, its possible counseling could help. Does she have some other form of love language? you may need to look for her affection in a different way.
[/quote]

I have asked her about it as have the kids.    She says she just doesn't like to be touched and it makes her uncomfortable.   I kind of understand that; some people don't like to be touched.   It's just that I crave oxytocin in a relationship as do many humans from a connection perspective.   She is quick to define what she does not like and on those subjects is very specific about it being a line that can not be crossed.   But for her the lines that are definite are often shocking; no holding hands in movie theatres, no comments about thinking she is beautiful when she is getting out of the shower, no buying her flowers or trying to go on dates that are romantic, no kissing with lips or tongue, no affection in public, and another one, no standing too close in photos that would make it look like a couple; she doesn't like the whole appearing to be "together" thing.

[BeautifulCrazy]

My spouse and I attended a sports event my older DS participated in today. We were standing together at the sidelines. After a while I noticed we had moved over significantly from where we began watching. Then I noticed I was stepping closer to him every time we spoke..... aaaand he was shuffling away to maintain space....By halftime he was standing awkwardly close to a strange man just to keep the distance between US comfortable!
I tried to see it as funny and tried not to notice other parents leaning companionably against one another, or, sigh the ones with an arm around waist or shoulder....
It is difficult to understand how he is fine nearly full body contact with a stranger in an event queue, but if I pass too close in the kitchen, he flinches and squeezes himself against the counter to avoid our bodies touching.
He can sit comfortably next to someone in an airplane or movie theatre but can't share a loveseat with a family member at home and doesn't like my leg to touch his under the table at dinner. (He once nearly upended the whole table when I grazed him by accident) Heaven forbid any of my flesh should touch his even in sleep! Even then he flinches and wriggles away! There is no hand holding allowed, no kissing, no hugging, no appearance based compliments, no standing too close. He will put an obligatory arm around me for a photo, but he will stand stiffly and there is no mistaking he would rather be chewing tinfoil while swimming in hot lava and being chased by sharks than being so close to me. 

[Jsinjin]

I tried to see it as funny and tried not to notice other parents leaning companionably against one another, or, sigh the ones with an arm around waist or shoulder....
It is difficult to understand how he is fine nearly full body contact with a stranger in an event queue, but if I pass too close in the kitchen, he flinches and squeezes himself against the counter to avoid our bodies touching.

BC:

I have these very exact same things thoughts and activities going on in my life.    I truly used to think it was me with something wrong but it's not!    That does not reconcile the issue but it at least tells you it's not in your head.

[BeautifulCrazy]

Yes, thanks to this forum, I really do know that it's not in my head. There is a reason this thread keeps appearing at the top of the list with new posts added!
For the longest time I couldn't touch this conversation because parts of it I read, like this, from your second post, made me burst into tears:

I look around and I'm actually filled with jealousy of couples who sit together whet the wife holds the husband's hand at the movies or in church.   To stay nothing of a weekend away together for romance.

Sigh. That's me. Every Sunday.
Although H doesn't even come to church anymore so the edge on that feeling is less keen and cutting.
I relate so strongly to many of the other posters too.
I had to write yesterday though. It's such a huge part of my life... going without basic physical intimacy. I can MC a lot of it or make myself too busy to notice. But sometimes, like yesterday, it's just so rediculous!! And unfair!! And sometimes I just can't help but feel all kinds of things about it!! Ripped off, jealous, angry, frustrated, sad, sorry for myself, hurt, insulted, disappointed, insecure, unloved, disrespected, neglected, ignored, oppressed.... I don't know, there's just so much attached to this and all wrapped up in it. So much need and emotion.
I'm glad it's being talked about here. I appreciate you starting the conversation weeks ago Jsinjin, and your reply to me yesterday.
~BC