Learning disabilities or ADHD or something similar

[Ladymm]

Hi all,

I don't know how to orient myself professionally in life. I wrote about this in a post, but now my problem is becoming more specific. I graduated in law but I never pursuited the career in law. Why? I really can't pinpoint if I dislike the subject or just feel self-conscious about some issues I have regarding reading/writing .

As a child, I was very good at school. But I always felt I needed a lot more time to study some subjects than other classmates. When I went to study law, my world of success felt apart. I developed OCD and I couldn't study well. I didn't know how to study legal subjects. Other subjects we had, like sociology, I didn't have major problems, but legal stuff I felt like my mind can't absorb it. I am a very structured and analytical person by character I believe.

But the problems in detail are the following:
- even if I worked in law 3000 years I think I can't efficiently know which norm applies to a situation. Like what crime one did. How to proceed with something. I feel I can't do this well. I feel here one needs a special kind of intuition. When I say this to people thay usually "normalize" it and say ah you will learn with practice. But I worked for a short while in law and with someone reviewing my work, I don't think I could ever do this.
- I have really bad attention and can't understand the "point" of stories. For example if I watch a sci-fi or legal movie I can't reproduce the story very well. Also when I read legal documentation. I remember some things people said, but often I don't get the point of things. My mind thinks details are more important.
- I am slow at deciding. Because of lack of intuition/introspection as described above.
- I am not argumentative. I will think long before I say something,
- when writing legal texts I make a lot of grammatical mistakes which remain after I read the text through many times. And also I take TOO  much time to write something.

I was thinking I self sabotage or something but nothing of this rings right to me. Also some "normalize" what I wrote about me but for me the issues are real, they come from my observation and are not some negative internal messages but facts. Like I observed that I have weak arms and am therefore not good in doing kayak.

Some say also all can't be learned, and yes many things can, but I believe not all. One has also be brutally real sometimes - this helps a person to determine how to proceed. But the worst is to normalize something that is bothering you.

If you ask me if I like to work in law, I have no idea. I like the idea to follow through what I started. Otherwise I feel like numb. Also I don't like the environment so much.

I work for my father in his company now and want to change jobs of course, because my family is super toxic and I want to get my distance. I want to do some "profession" and am also well prepared to leave law behind me forever if I find out it is not for me. I have dwelled on this too long now.

I would really appreciate your feedback!!

Thank you!

[BeautifulCrazy]

Hi Ladymm
What are the options or choices in your current situation?

Perhaps you need to take a very basic approach and draw a chart with the possible courses of action and the good and bad things about each one. Sometimes putting it on paper like this shows one option as clearly better than the others. Even if it doesn't give you an easy answer, it might help you clarify what your values and expectations are.

[NumbLotus]

I don't know anything but perhaps reflecting back to you might spark something?

If I understand you correctly, you find that it's hard to discern which details are the main/most important details to you.

So if you watch a movie, it's hard to sum it up as "they genetically recreate dinosaurs and open a park and things go wrong"?

Or you review the facts of a case and have trouble matching what happened to the relevant statute? Or maybe a lot of statutes might seem to fit but it's hard to discern which fits best, which sums up the primary offense?

Again, I'm blue skying, but I wonder about the OCD, because it can make less relevant details seem important, and obscure what matters. Example: a hoarder has difficulty discerning a valuable or useful item from trash. The anxiety of OCD can make everything clamor for importance.

Does your OCD feel like a part of this at all? When you read, is your anxiety up and are you focusing so hard on the details it's hard to tell the forest from the trees?

If that seems like a remote possibility, are you getting treatment for the OCD? My H had read that meds are useless for it and didn't try for years, but eventually tried a medication and he says it does actually help him. He still feels the tug of OCD but he can push past it now.

[Ladymm]

Thank you for your replies!

BeautifulCrazy,

thank you for your advice. I tried to make such a list, but never did it with pros/cons. But lately I also started to think that maybe there is something wrong with my focus and learning skills or maybe saying wrong is not the right thing...just stuff that don't go with being a lawyer. I feel also shame or some negative feeling that I should be an accountant instead of lawyer because I have trouble focusing. An accountant has charts etc, can review the results and it helps you focus, law doesnt have any. You have to be a focused and good writer.

But on the other hand perfectionism, self criticism etc is also a thing with CPTSD so I have no idea is it just my character, some kind of focus problem or an overload of self-criticism.

NumbLotus,

Thank you for your reply.

I understand what a movie is about generally, but have a hard time explaining what was going on. Especially in movies like sci-fi where I become bored. There is this boredom that creeps over my mind and stops my focus. And the same is in law. I get the legal documents but have a hard time finding out what is important. Like I can skip something which is the main thing. And even thinking what is important feels to me like I am drawing water from a dry well. And it makes me totally uncomfident and avoidant.

And also the statutes - I have no idea for example which statute to apply. People say ah you need practice but I really I get this anxiety and I don't know what goes with what. in university there is much memorizing and little practice, so it is not difficult to make it, but in practice..my mind is blank, I freeze..but in the same time for some reason  know that other people have much more confidence doing the legal job. Maybe my inner critic is the problem now in sense that it is saying to me "you are stupid and no good, all your peers are lawyers just you can't be."And I really can't see my direction career-wise. Maybe I should just take it easy, even if something involves a shortage of some skill, we should be realistic and choose a different career option. Or I have some learning problem. Im really confused.

My OCD is under control now but I sometimes have some stuff that gets obsessive, like guilt. I did EMDR and long years of therapy, meditation  and it helped me and all thismade it manageable. But it takes effort and time. and money. I also tried meds, but I prefer to have therapy, even it takes time to put OCD under control, and it gives you a good feeling, feels like a  permanent solution. OCD, yes, it takes away focus, but when I do legal stuff I feel differently - like just my mind is blank and I feel very stressed and heavy. Like when I am doing something I don't know how to do and never will.

[NumbLotus]

Do you feel like the difficulty focusing on the legal stuff might be:

- Disinterest in the subject matter? A bad match for your passions?

- Anxiety/inner critic getting in the way of clear thinking? Freeze response?

- Dissociating as a means to cope with trauma? Or even dissociating originally as a means to cope with trauma that has become a habit with difficult things?

- Distractions, where things going on in the world (clock ticking, people talking in another room, truck down the street) compete for you attention when trying to focus?

- Brain fog, where any mental activity requiring a level of concentration feels like your mind is made of mud and the wheels are hard to turn?

Also, do you think you under focus or over focus?

Finally, is this even a focus problem at all or something else altogether?

[Ladymm]

NumbLotus,

now thats a good set of possibilities. Thank you!

- disinterest - I have mixed feelings. The worst feeling is boredom and not liking the legal milieu. The most positive is excitment for developing a career and be something, finally be independent, have peace, stable job. But I think i don't feel big passion for the subject. But maybe just because I don't feel good at being a lawyer I dont know

- critic says that with other jobs I cant become rich or even live not being dependant on my parents(I work for my dad now sadly) and that I am too old to have a new career (34) and loser and doomed. And stupid because I can't decide what to do in life.but when im writing legal docs maybe I freeze I dont know there is no critical voice, just a feeling that I am not good at this. And it feels like freezing a bit.

- dissociating - this is an interesting one! I never thought of it that way. Maybe my mind doesnt want responsability because in ny childhood I was the carer for my mother s emotions maybe and of course I couldnt handle such a task. So this one could be, but how I know exactly? How it feels for this to be the cause? I feel like I cant do law and that I took on me responsabilities that I cant even imagine and that all go wrong because again I will not understand the point id what I am doing.

-distractions - they don't cause me major problems tbh, sometimes a quiet room is far more challenging for me than one with people

-brain fog - I am not sure. I feel a heavy feeling and am so tired when I write some document. I feel drained and I am very slow at writing and scared to makes mistakes, which I make anyway and many of them are quite big.but I doubt it is brain fog.

- I think I over focus maybe.

I don't know if its focus, its a mix of all..but I find it interesting how you put disociation as an option. This feeling I have is very close to the filing of dissociation I felt during therapy. Like..this is too much for me, im out.. I will try to learn more about that !

[BeautifulCrazy]

Ladymm,

How are you doing? I related very much to your original post so I have been thinking of you often and wondering if you have made any progress or had any new learning, thoughts or struggles?

I laughed out loud at something you wrote in your reply to NumbLotus:

This feeling I have is very close to the filing of dissociation I felt during therapy. Like..this is too much for me, im out..

This is too much for me, I'm out.  It's a great description! That feeling is in me nearly all the time!

~BC

[Ladymm]

Hey BeautifulCrazy,

I am glad to see I am not the only one with this kind of issues. I haven't been to the forum for a while this is why I reply only now.. I would be interested to know in what way your story is similiar to mine since amongst the people I know no one understands me, if you feel like sharing your story iof course!
Have you come to any empowering conclusions?

To be honest, the only conclusion I made in the time being is that maybe there is no job that ignites my passion enough to leave my current job and go try something more intellectual. On the other hand I think I should leave it since I work for my toxic father, but seem to be a bit passive on the matter now. Must be some dark night of the soul. Also I try not to dwell to much on the question from the topic, but in my heart of hearts I haven't found peace in relation to the question on whether I have impostor syndrom/low self confidence/ unfit for the profession of lawyer. The feeling of not knowing has been a way of being lately.

I wish you a good day!