First Christmas without family

[blistering]

I haven't seen my Nmom since March this year and officially cut all contact with her in July I think. Since I have no intentions of going back anytime soon, this means it is the first Christmas without family. Well, really, she is the only family left because my father is dead and I have no siblings and not really any contact to the more remote family.

Since I moved out about 6 years ago, I always came home to spend Christmas & New Year's eve with her and her boyfriend. It was usually a mixed bag. She is more 'stable' nowadays than in my youth, but there's still always the chance that she'll freak out about something and a few times it actually happened that she started some big argument about some bullshit. Then there was always the feeling that we are just faking it. Like yeah it's Christmas so we'll play happy family but at the same time I am reminded of all the bullshit she put me through? Even just seeing my old home town always brings up mixed feelings. To be honest it was always just partially nice, but with a decent portion of emotional stress mixed in.

This time it was clear I won't go home over christmas. At first I thought about going on vacation instead. But somehow I put off the planning again and again until I realised I don't actually feel like going anywhere over Christmas. I planned nothing. I will be doing nothing, and the more I think about it the more I like it. I have the next two weeks off and will pretty much just chill at home. I've been meaning to clean up my flat, get rid of old stuff, maybe get some decorations to make it more cozy, that kinda stuff. Plus, I will be meeting different friends on a few days, but on Christmas eve and probably also new years eve I will be alone. All my friends are with their families. It's alright. I kind of mostly associate christmas with bad memories anyways. And last year's new years eve, I just went with my mother and her BF to some party literally because I didn't know what else to do and it was so boring and annoying. This time I'll just get myself some good food, wine or whatever, maybe play some computer games, just relax. It's the first time I've actually looked forward to this time in years.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

It sounds like you have a great plan for the holidays. Having a quiet day, perhaps seeing movies in your pajamas under a blanket sounds great. Planning a nice meal for yourself with a nice glass of wine also sounds really good to me. I might add taking a long bubble bath to that. Yes, I agree without family that caused us so much grief it is indeed easier to look forward to the day. Everything we do is on our schedule, as we feel we want with no push back, no people pleasing and no "emotional hang over" in the following days from having been around them.       
Last year was my first holiday without family and I did not miss them one bit. I did not even feel one twinge of sadness. I felt relieved. I also felt blessed to have my home, my job, my cat and my health and everything that day seemed like it just flowed and was easy. Enjoy your time off. Do whatever you want with your days and most of all be kind to yourself.  It sounds like you are on a very healthy path.   

[sarandro]

Hi...sounds like you will have a good time...stress free, not having to play Happy Families!

It's my first Christmas without my FOO too...let's hope we all enjoy ourselves.

This year, on Christmas Day, instead of having to drive for miles, dressed in our very best clothes...we are planning to spend the whole day dressed in pyjamas and drinking cocktails. (Mother would be horrified!!!)

Best wishes for the holidays xx