P/A comments and a question

[Hulagal79]

I haven't been here for a long while, but recently had something come up that I'm wondering about.

A relative of my husband's died recently, and he went to the funeral.  I've only seen this gal a few times in over 35 years, and since I have some health issues, did not go along (hubby is fine with that).  My M-I-L is a former S-I-L of the lady who died.  She hasn't seen her in decades, I believe, but chose to go.

Fast forward:  This week M-I-L phoned me and gave me a great performance of a P/A attack.  Oh, she was giggly (maybe a drink or two?) and happy as could be, talking and talking about everyone at the funeral like they were all rock stars---but...she kept bringing up in 3 different examples (of 3 different relatives attending other funerals) how horrible it was that they didn't attend certain (other) funerals.  Yes, count 'em--three examples! 

She went on and on about each one and how terrible they didn't attend.  I bit my tongue, but wow, could I have said a lot! She well knows I have a chronic medical condition and I'm not able to be everywhere. So, what's her point??

Also, M-I-L seems to have (I know this sounds weird) practically an addiction to socialization.  Everything--and I do mean everything-- is about how important socializing with others is.  Honestly, she practically makes it a religion--not kidding here.  She's done that for decades.

Of my 2 little nieces, one is more outgoing and the other is shy.  M-I-L had to carry on and on about how great it was that little one was "so social."  (oh, and not so good that little another is shy). 

What's up with all this?  Is it because M-I-L has been divorced multiple times and she has some kind of big need for socializing?  Perhaps she always had this obsession with socialization?  As for me, I'm more of a homebody and not so much into socializing, though I certainly do that, too, and yes, I'm friendly and "nice" to people.  But it's clear she thinks anyone who's not into socialization is a freak.

BTW, I've long suspected she has some issues and very likely a PD.  But this last incident was a doozy.  My head is still spinning.    I love Christmas, but "maybe" not looking forward to ahem--certain visitors, if you get what I mean.  However, when she behaves, she actually does quite well and can actually be nice and quite pleasant.
  I can only hope Christmas is one of those times!

[Leonor]

Hi Hula,

I'm sorry your ils are mining your private affairs for gossip rather than supporting you as the beloved wife of their dear son. I'm NC with my foo, too, and I'd like to hear, "I'm sure that it's hard, dear Hula, and we want you to know how lucky we are to have you as a treasure member of our family."

Unfortunately, people with PD tend to have such a void personal inner experience that they live vicariously through any "drama" they can scrape from other people's lives. It's almost thrilling to them. If you're doing well, they'll try to undermine it and feed off the disappointment; if you're not doing well, they thrive off of it. And if they think there might be some crevice through which to excavate some drama, they're going to be digging all day.

Now, I rather like your honest answer, and it can be fun to turn the tables on them too: "I don't speak to my mother anymore because she asked too many @#$& questions" or "That's what happens if you tangle with me, _$#@&." I would like to see your mil's expression when she hears that one.

But any response from you will just feed the insatiable hunger they have for drama. So when they press, it's better to not respond at all. "But what did they dooo? What did you saaaay?"

Shrug. Smile softly. Pass the salt. Or move to pass a knife first, smile softly and say, "oh, how absent-minded of me, mother" and then pass the salt.

[Starboard Song]

My wife and I have noticed something. My wife never feels safe in any social situation. She always feels under attack, or at risk. I never feel that way, but feel safe even in hostile social situations. I never feel in social danger, or at risk.

So in the conversation you just had, I'd listen and be thinking "huh. She is being passive aggressive. She is indirectly criticizing me for not going to that funeral. Well, she's like that." And I'd say well-it-sure-sounds-like-you-had-a-great-time-catching-up-with-some-folks, and end the call with an easy mind. But my wife would hear her saying "you are bad. You are selfish." And she'd be hurt, and react in anger, maybe, or defensiveness. She would end the call in distress.

I was raised by two of the finest humand beings on the planet, and given the gift of self-esteem rarely directed by others. My wife was raised to believe her value was perpetually to be assessed by others. Our reactions are not our fault, but it is so valuable to understand them.

When we came to this realization, I better understood so much of my wife's experience. I felt so bad for her. And she learned the source of my apparent strength. It wasn't that I was strong enough to withstand criticism and attack. It was that I didn't feel it: I was blind to it. And that has given her something to build towards and aspire to.

All the books in the top line of my signature were part of that building.

Merry Christmas to you!

[Leonor]

Too true, living under constant or unpredictable attack as a little kid makes us hypersensitive to other people's comments. But I would also put forward that those of us who experienced this also become so finely tuned to other people's emotions that we are able to perceive the slightest intonation of passive aggression, and the passive-aggresive person is also themselves uniquely able to figure out who will provide the reaction they are seeking, even if that reaction is imperceptible to others.

I totally get the funeral attendance thing. My whole family is like that. Let's say Great Aunt Second Cousin Myrtle passes of old age in her sleep. We'll, here comes the Social Event of the Year.  "Auntie Myrtle, the pooooor deeeeaaaar." Of course this calls for a days' long wake and endless funeral procession attended by people who wouldn't recognize old Myrtle if she popped upright at the funeral home to wave hello to her adoring relatives.

But the best part is this: a detailed obituary is published immediately with a lot of ridiculous sentimentality that nears universal sainthood when everyone knows Myrtle was a chain-smoking old bag who had a never had a nice word to say to or about anyone. Of course, no one actually reads obituaries anymore. So the only people who know to attend Myrtle's Great Thereafter Ball are those the family matriarch personally phones to summon them to the service.

That means that anyone on the outs with the matriarch remains ignorant of the world's most recent loss and fails to dutifully appear at the wake, and service, and the stale brunch served afterwards.

Then, some time later when Myrtle is safely ensconced in the great hereafter, the matriarch can select the perfect opportunity to level the blow: "Well, I hadn't seen Cousin Alfred since poor Myrtle passed. It's such a shame you didn't attend the funeral; he asked after you and hoped you are well. As, of course, we all do. I'm sure it would have meant the world to Myrtle if you had come."



Don't worry, Hula. It's this weird thing they do. Great Aunt Myrtle will understand!

[Hulagal79]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful, insightful replies.  Sometimes we just need to come here, away from all the goofy stuff going on.  So glad to know others have empathy on all this.

I forgot to mention that on the evening after the funeral, MIL phoned us.  Lucky me was nearest the phone, so I answered it.  MIL was nearly hyperventilating, commenting on the relatives and old friends she hadn't seen for so long!    Okay, I get that she was happy to see them, but it was like she was in a  manic phase.  I chatted briefly, then turned over the phone to hubby, so he would get a chance to hear all this exciting news.    Goodness, what WOULD we do if we didn't go to those funerals??   Why, my life must be horribly boring! 

She also recently told me about being turned in to her supervisor for  some negative behavior (very P/A, btw) towards a co-worker.  But of cooouuuurrrrssse, her supervisor defended  HER.     Never mind the game she had been playing.  She's totally innocent, why obviously!  Uh huh. 

Here's the sad thing, to me:  MIL does have a long history of this sort of P/A thing.  But in recent years, she had for the most part (with a few exceptions) cleaned up her act.  Perhaps it dawned on her that all those failed marriages were some of her fault, if not all.  Anyway, she had made progress, though she remained (and still remains) sugary sweet to the rest of the family (incidentally, she did once tell me years ago that she is jealous of me, basically because I have her 'baby').

I once tried to explain to my husband that she is extremely two-faced at times--one 'face' to him and others and the other 'face' to me.  He told me, yes, he knows his mom, but it's  clear he really doesn't know how bad it is.  Probably not surprising, as she's likely played this game for decades before I even met my husband.  And her son is just sooooo wonderful. (which he is, but put that quote in a P/A setting and I'm sure you know what I mean).

I can't count the number of "best friends"  she has lost over the years and she no longer wants to mention (before they were the topic of every conversation--such wooonnnnderful people!).  The number is high and seems to be growing.  I did hear through my hubby that one of them evidently put her in her place and strongly booted her out for good, though he  wasn't told all the details.  I haven't heard any of the details on that either (and sure I never will) but boy, would I like to. 
Yes, I know--sad, though.

Yes, she had made progress--for a while.  But in recent months, the same old garbage was again coming out--the same "me me me" games. The subtle putdowns. Two-faced.  Buddying up to other members of the family and excluding me.  Really, I'm kind of sad for her.  Irritating to listen to her when she's on a rant, but pathetic, too.  Now's the time for more distance and fresh air.  Ahh... 

[JayBird]

Hi Hulagal!

Your account of your mil's high-level need for social attention rings a bell with me. I can see the "rank-and-compare" tactic being used to by your mil to evaluate your young nieces. The outgoing and social child is now placed on the PD pedestal while the shy and quiet child is ranked lower. Of course, the more social niece was giving SUPPLY to mil. Engaging with the shy child might require effort from mil, and we all know that support only flows in one direction with NPD.

This is so infuriating! Why does your mil get supreme ruling over what social traits are the most worthy? My uPDmil does this with my children and compares them to her other grandchildren. The outgoing and most attractive are on her NPD pedestal. I witness my uNPDmil and enFIL only praising grandkids who have somehow delivered prestige to them, as in awards, performances, sports champs etc. Being a happy (maybe shy) kid, in their lens, doesn't cut the mustard.

Just the other day, uNPDmil called to speak with the grandkids and I was sitting next to my DD (youngest grandkid) and I could hear mil on the phone, she was going on and on about how wonderful her GC grandchild was, not even asking my dd anything about herself. I  get so mad at this behavior! I ended the call as soon as I realized what uNPDmil was doing.

Why? Why?