Unwanted NC and gift stupidity

[Free2Bme]

Historically, I have had an OK relationship with M, but periodically get hurt/frustrated when she bails on commitment.  I don't think she is fully PD (not cruel, vicious, mind games, no verbal abuse, etc.)  and is usually sweet but not overly deep (emotional IQ), avoids responsibility for behavior, can't apologize, see how her actions affect others.  M does had some PD traits, if I confront her, she resorts to denial, deflecting, excusing, and finally lying and victim behavior...well, you know.   So, everything's cool as long as I don't require her to take responsibility for herself or confront her. 

Coming OOF with my marriage and going through high conflict divorce,  I asked M & SF for support for me and kids (a sub-par family is better than no family, right?).  They said they would be there for us, but would never follow through when I needed them (I'm 53 and never have asked for money, help, support since leaving home at 17).  I confronted her about not being there for us and other issues, she was DARVO.  I was scolded by SF to stop being "mean" to her.  Then, both M and SF disappeared and went NC with me.  I have been NC for most of the last 4 years with exception of me reaching out to her once when she had surgery and the letter I wrote 2 years ago that was never responded to.

M & SF were not interested in being there for me/kids but have instead kept a relationship with my abusive exH.  Updxh has cultivated this from the get-go (divide & conquer), a symbiotic relationship where they can all mutually trash me and my audacious "sin" to divorce someone who abused me and their grandchildren.     Updxh gives them access/visitation to our children and has even taken them all on vacation together.  I suspect that to M and SF, my updxh is the victim and abuse is ONLY defined as black-eye's and broken bones, and I am overreacting and being far too bold. 

Sooooo.... over the last 4 years, M will occasionally send gifts to children (she lives 45 from me).  I have left it to child to say thank you to their GM when they so choose (teen years).   Last fall, I learned through DS17 that M has breast cancer, I texted her to say I was sorry to hear this/praying/take care.   She thanked me and asked to visit kids and give gift to DD14, I said yes but set boundary to meet at neutral place, she was not able to meet that day, that was in November.  Then, more NC.   She is now texting for a reschedule.  This causes me so much anxiety. 

DD14 say's she doesn't care too much either way (her bday was last June), DD21 doesn't want to go, too conflicted about disappearing GM and step GF.  My DS's live out of town with updxh, they both have expressed that  I should reach out to her, forgive/forget, build a bridge for the sake of what remaining time there is together.  They admit that she has issues, but they aren't seeing the entirety of it and how dysfunctional and hurtful this all is.  If I don't make the effort, it will get back to updxh and he will use it to tear me down to DS's, and I may regret it when she is gone.  If I go, it will take a toll on me and I'll spend several days sorting and processing the event.

To add to this, she has dementia, sharp some days and struggles at other times.  The dementia combined with whatever issues she has makes it impossible to expect anything from her but I still long for her to attempt some sort of reconciliation, some evidence that she cares and wants to be at peace with me and grand children.  My brain wants to still hope, the same part of my brain that kept me in my marriage for 20 years.

I likely have work to do coming OOF with M and I still struggle with disbelief that it went down this way. I don't know how much of this is the handiwork of updxh, M & SF own dysfunction, or the dementia.  It seems there are no good options for how to handle this stupid gift thing.  As if a gift = relationship   

This really hurts.

[WinterStar]

Free2Bme,

I'm horrified that your mother would cultivate a relationship with you exh and children while cutting you out. And it's especially upsetting that the event that caused her to go NC was you trying to advocate for yourself and ask why she hadn't supported you when you most needed it.

Let's pretend that someone who had been supported by her mom went to her mom and said, "I don't feel like I had your support when I needed it the most." A healthy mother would address the issue and try to work through it.

So what I'm saying is that even if you had been wrong (and I believe you were not wrong!), your mother's responding action was completely inappropriate. I'm so sorry that happened to you!

I suspect that probably your mom and SF have gravitated toward exh because he doesn't challenge them in any way. He isn't trying to resolve issues and is taking them on vacation to boot. They just get to have fun when he's around and you have the "gall" to ask them to actually do what they say and support you when you need it. It's very sad that they would do this!

After four years of almost no contact for trying to address your needs and your mom's broken promises and no attempt on your mother's part to see the situation from your POV, I personally wouldn't want to reconcile. In my life, I dont have a relationship with my father because he cut me out for trying to address an important concern, and I know he would gladly communicate with me if I dropped that issue and rug swept the whole thing. But pretending that concern doesn't exist would destroy me. I cannot for my own wellbeing do that.

Of course, your situation is unique to you and you may want to make a perfectly legitimate but opposite decision. It's up to you. Completely your choice either way. But if you decide you don't want to reconcile, you don't have to. You wouldn't be doing anything wrong.

[GettingOOTF]

I am sorry you are dealing with this. My family also chose a relationship with my abusive BPDxH over a relationship with me. It was the straw that broke the camel's back and led to me being NC. The worst part of this is that they really didn't like him when we were married and made no effort to get to know him at all.

I have no advice for your current situation but wanted to let you know you're not the only one with the messed up FOO/ex relationship.