When the enabler parent dies

[Froggy]

Been NC with uNPD sis for many years, and enF took sides when I went NC, so I haven't seen him for years either. He has just passed and it's really difficult to process.

I kind of thought we got on well before we lost contact, which wasn't my choice. He was a good parent when we were young, although never protected me from uBPDM or uNPDsis. Found it difficult to believe it when he chose not to rock the boat with sis over having contact with me. Now I don't know if I'm more mad at her for turning him against me or at him for going along with it.

Friends try to help but they just don't get it, some give me normal sympathy -when -a-parent -dies, which I don't want because I don't have happy memories to treasure etc. One told me he was a lovely man and loved me, and I shouldn't let the last few years define our relationship, which made me feel worse, although it was kindly meant. I felt like saying "he didn't love me enough to keep in touch just because sis forbid it, and how am I meant to define our relationship if not by the fact he cut off contact with me when I went NC with her?"

I feel like in my FOO it was so not OK to be me and so not OK to stand up for myself that he thought abandoning me was a reasonable response. I know he wasn't a bad man, I guess I'm just really disappointed he couldn't or wouldn't stand up for me. At least now he's passed I know he isn't contacting me because he can't, not out of choice.

I can't be the only one to lose an enabling parent like this, with all the attending feelings of grief, sadness, rage, disbelief, disappointment, abandonment, etc. Hoping someone here understands what I'm going through.

[appaloosa]

I'm sorry for your loss. My parents are both still alive (as far as I know) but after about 4 years of NC with my NFather, my enabler Mother (after markedly decreasing contact with me--brief responses to my long emails, or no response, and returning a photo to me of me and my daughter!) has basically cut me off. So I'm NC with both parents. It was painful to lose my mother, whom I'd always seen as the good parent, the one who loved me, even though she never protected me from my abusive F. I will probably never see her again, and my feelings when she dies will be very mixed and complicated. It's hard.

[looloo]

Hi Froggy,
I processed my feelings about my enabling father after he passed away about ten years ago.  This was when I began to come Out of the FOG in many ways about all of my relationships.  When my father died, our family "foundation" (a house of dysfunctional cards) shifted, and that was the catalyst for my seeing things with much more clarity.
When he became very frail and died, I truly grieved.  I cried wholeheartedly, but it wasn't long before I began having lots of conflicting feelings—realizing that I didn't "miss" him (because he and I didn't really have a meaningful relationship), sudden memories began popping up of all the times he ignored my Nmother's treatment of me,  the constant feeling I had of me trying to "win" his love and attention and not succeeding, feelings of shame I always had for disappointing him, for not making his decision to have kids worthwhile in his eyes, etc.  His terrifying rages/suicide threats, his icing me out whenever I did or said anything that even remotely annoyed him.  He had some serious childhood trauma (escaping a country at war, combat experiences, and more), and I think I took on his traumas in a way, because it was an unspoken excuse for his attitude towards us as kids—as well as his anger at the unfairness of life in general.  Even though he was so incredibly lucky in so many ways, so many things to be grateful for, he was generally a very unhappy and angry person, who seemed just the opposite to everyone except family.
When I saw Sam Vaknin's video describing an Inverted Narcissist, it was like BINGO!  My father to a T.

Oh—a few years ago, after doing 23andMe, I learned that his daughter from his first marriage (she died in the late 70's), had put a child up for adoption when she was only 15.  We got in touch, and it's been really nice.  I don't think my father had any idea what his daughter was going through at the time, for many reasons, many not his fault.  But I'm his other daughter, and learning this gave me a lot to think about.

The 10 year anniversary of his death just passed, and I now feel like someone who has finally outgrown a very long infatuation.  I feel like I see him much more clearly, and don't feel anger or resentment anymore—well, I still feel frustration, because he left a legacy of decisions, actions, and motivations that are all very conflicted and confusing, and I deal with it as I care for my elderly Nmother, but I do feel like I can close this chapter and continue on.

[11JB68]

Sorry for what you are going through. Pd foo and nc makes everything complicated and those who haven't experienced it often don't get it.
When I went nc with uPDm I lost my entire foo, including enF, who defended her at the end. I felt abandoned.
He never reached out to me, not even as a FM.

[Froggy]

Thank you. Good to know I'm not alone, though I'm sorry for your pain.

Appaloosa, your experience sounds very like mine. It's hard indeed. Even though in my mind I can say 'I've plenty of people who do love me, it's no great loss,' there is something viscerally painful about a parent's abandonment.

looloo, your story gives me hope that one day this will be easier. It seems like every time I've reached the top of a hill, there's another summit to climb.

11JB68, that sounds really painful and really familiar. My T says that the NPD often chooses a partner carefully who won't stand up to them whatever. It's so hard being sacrificed to someone's fear of an NPD though.

Thank you for your company on this painful road. Be well.

[11JB68]

Froggy, that's interesting. I think my uOCPDh thought he had found that in me. He's not been happy when he's realized that I will stand up to him, If not always on my own behalf then at least on behalf of our ds.
I promised ds that I would never do to him what my dad did to me. That if it ever came to that situation I would tell uPDh he was wrong.

[Froggy]

11JB68, I totally get that. I'm determined not to repeat the PD behaviour. I can't really understand why anyone let's their child be abused - I guess they tell themselves it's not that bad and the child partly deserves it, those were certainly strong messages in my FOO 

[11JB68]

Froggy, full disclosure....when I was still deep in the fog, and primarily out of fear, I stood by and allowed what I now realize was verbal/emotional abuse of ds by uPDh.
I'm ashamed that I allowed this.
Also many times it seemed if I stood up for him it made it worse...
Very hard to navigate.
However, now that I'm coming Out of the FOG and feeling stronger, and ds is older and can understand...I'm trying to do better and I think uPDh realizes he won't win.
Also my message to ds was that if it came to a blow out between him and his dad (and god forbid a nc situation) that I would not stand by and defend his dad.

[Froggy]

11JB68, I get that, especially the sense that doing anything would make things worse. And tbh when I was itf I didn't speak up against uNPDsis when she was abusive towards her kids, because of a mixture of fear, not wanting to make things worse, and being deep in the fog.

I think I spoke out of anger when I said I didn't understand why anyone lets their child be abused, because it's not that simple, and I kind of do get it why enF was like that when we were younger. But I am still  so angry and upset and disappointed with him, especially that he chose to go back into the FOG with my NPDsis recently, even though it meant losing contact with me.

But I do know that it wasn't a simple choice for him, and I do know how good sis is at hoovering, and dad possibly expected my to assume my childhood role of putting up with the abuse (which he prob doesn't see as abuse) and not rocking the boat. Chances are he was upset and confused as to why I wouldn't just come and join in the family dance.

It's really very complicated. So good to find this forum and people who understand.

[11JB68]

Froggy, I totally did not take offense at your comment....really just trying to be honest with myself and everyone here about where I'm coming from...we do deal with such complex relationships....only other Out of the FOG-ers can truly understand..

[Froggy]

Thank you

[Yael924]

So sorry for your loss.

But I will definitely look up the video you mentioned. It may help me, too. :-s

For me, e was always for Enforcer, not enabler. He Enforced anything that kept the status quo, and kept his life the steady way he wanted.

His rage at me was anytime I upset the balance.

Not sure if that view helps you or not. Hopefully, it helps you understand that your conflicting feelings may be fully justified.

Hang in there.

[Groundhog Day]

So sorry for your loss. My enabler F passed away 4 years ago. That is when BPDm went from bad to worst. Mixed feelings about him went through my mind. My F's hugs never felt guenuine and I never felt love from him. I beleive BPDm made sure he could not get close to his children since she was the one in charge. He was "trained", submissive to her whims and probably could not figure any way out. F never was a mean person but just could not stood up to his wife and loved his children in his own way, in silence so his wife would not use it against him.

[Froggy]

Thank you yael924 and groundhog day, it helps to know I'm not alone.

His rage at me was anytime I upset the balance.

Not sure if that view helps you or not. Hopefully, it helps you understand that your conflicting feelings may be fully justified.

This has got me thinking. I'm wondering if he raged at me when I upset the balance, or threatened to. It's hard when a parent's priority is not the child but the maintaining of the status quo even to the child's detriment. I think that he was barely coping and lashed out if he perceived the situation worsening, and encouraged me to do whatever to keep the peace. Not my fault, but it often felt like it. Conflicting feelings indeed.

He was "trained", submissive to her whims and probably could not figure any way out. F never was a mean person but just could not stood up to his wife

Yes, this.

Good to speak to people who understand.