Bracing for the scapegoating storm

[JayBird]

My DH recently revealed to me a devastating career mishap of his own making.  Kinda an act of self-sabotage that has put our family on some shaky ground. While I am confident we can weather this storm in the long term, its difficult in the moment. To me, it is evident that his N traits are paramount in his blundering.

DH has N traits, but not to the same level as uNPDmil (malignant, covert) . I am posting here because, knowing the strong family roles that play in my DH's FOO, I am anticipating some serious scapegoating aimed at my direction from uNPDmil, enFIl and GCsil.

I've been VLC and over the last two years I really pulled away from dh's FOO as I can no longer tolerate being their trash receptacle. In some ways it's good that I have some boundaries in place, especially now.

It'll be easier for uNPDmil to blame me for (insert variation of, bad influence, made him do it, bad spouse...etc...) than for her to see her son as faulty (or a human that makes mistakes).

I know I shouldn't worry about future happenings or what others think about me, but experience tells me that I need to steady myself for some  misdirected blame and shame.

Yeah holidays...

[Poison Ivy]

I'm sorry about this situation, JayBird. While we were married, my ex-husband had a few serious career mishaps that were his fault, and they caused great stress to our family.  My ex's dad (my former FIL) had an NPD, I think.  He took advantage of my husband's unemployment (yep, husband was fired, and what he did definitely was a firing offense) to push my husband to become his (FIL's) and MIL's caregiver.  This wasn't exactly scapegoating of me, but when I complained about my husband ditching me and our children, I was scapegoated, by FIL and at times by my husband's siblings.  My ex wasn't blameless in this.  Far from it. 

[gettingstronger1]

Jay Bird,

I can relate to your worry and  fear about a smear campaign from your in laws.  My situation is a little bit different in that in that it doesn't involve my husband's job. I am currently in the process of being smeared because I set a boundary with my Mil.  She has warned us that we have a deadline of December 30th to fix this problem or starting in January she will tell the whole family about the conflict.  It is a no win situation in that we can't fix something she did. I have already gotten a screaming phone call from my Sil, so we are pretty sure the smear campaign has already started.  I have gone NC with my Mil, but my husband wants to try to confront his mom again about how poorly she has treated us but I am afraid he will only get hurt by her.

At any rate, I am just trying to say, I understand your fear and concern. Please don't believe any of the lies they say about you.  I have found it helpful to read up about smear campaigns. Most of the YouTube videos and written articles say to ignore it and just continue to live your life with integrity and joy. 

[Pepin]

It took me years to understand the dysfunction with DH's family.  I was a new Mom and we had just moved closer to DH's parents from out of state.  I was assured that they would be helpful and caring and.....yeah.  PDMil was helpful as long as she got the credit.  She was caring as long as she was the center of DH's attention and often times, gave him something in exchange....like food she made or bought.  It was and continues to be a very transactional relationship.

Sadly, what I figured out was that DH and I could have done so much better if we had stayed put before moving with our careers.....especially DH.  DH absolutely took a hit.  His line of work was not as available as it is now and still it is better suited not where we live.  Many missed big opportunities and he has already peaked at his career.  He sabotaged his career for the sake of being a caregiver because PDMil demanded his loyalty.  Her helplessness hurt DH and he's in denial about it. 

[JayBird]

Poison Ivy- Interesting to think how PD's can and will capitalize on another's mishap. I'll be in the look out for uNPDmil trying to get DH to do things for her now that he has "free time". Not likely that she'll give any form of emotional support.  I think there might also be a 'falling off the pedestal' for DH from his NPD FOO. Will there be a "kick-em while they're down" mentality to uNPDmil's unspoken "I only accept glory "??

Gettingstronger- Thank you, yes, I need to tune out negative messaging from N members of DH's clan. Sadly, I have experience with the smears and while I know the best path is to ignore and just live my best version of my life, it can sometimes feel lonely to be placed on the "outside". I'd like to be strong enough to no longer want to be on the "inside/goodside" of this family.....because the 100% reality is that I will not ever reach a healthy, balanced, authentic, exchange with these folks.

Pepin- Yes, I too know the veiled NPD family members' desire for attention/praise/control disguised as being caring and supportive. When in reality the support is only ever going in one direction-toward the NPD.

Yeah holidays!

[Poison Ivy]

My late father-in-law probably saw himself as a savior, i.e., that he was doing his son (my ex) a great favor by "hiring" him to be a caregiver. He did not provide emotional support to my ex.  He really needed my ex's help but he wanted my ex to feel beholden.  It was a bad situation and it lasted many years.