Maybe God is the only answer to this problem

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gettingstronger1

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Maybe God is the only answer to this problem
« on: December 23, 2019, 12:43:22 AM »
I think this post might be similar to Blackbirdís post about letting go and letting God take care of the problem.  I didnít want to highjack her post, because her post is important too.

My story is more about my PD mother and my PD MIL. They have both been emotionally abusive.  I wasted many years trying to fix the problem with my mother. I just thought that if I could just explain the problem well enough she would see reason and have remorse for how she treated me.  Ten years later, I went and made the exact same mistake of trying to fix the problem with my MIL. 

This year, I finally became overwhelmed with health problems, FOO problems, and Mil problems all occurring at once.  It finally got through to my stubborn brain that I could not fix this, and I had not really given it to God to fix. I had said some prayers but I had not completely given it over to God. It became clear to me this was not mine to fix, and in the end the good that came out of this is that it drew me closer to God.

Has anyone out there come to a similar conclusion, or had a similar experience?

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Free2Bme

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Re: Maybe God is the only answer to this problem
« Reply #1 on: December 30, 2019, 01:49:41 PM »
Hi GS,

I am really sorry to hear that you have had so much going on with your health and trying to deal with MIL and PD mom. 

My ex-MIL of 20 years is most definitely PD, IMO.  She meets all the DSM criteria and is very manipulative, destructive and yet covert in her mission to control people.  I can see why my updxh turned out the way he did (and other family members).  I endured her for 20+ years. 

My M has some PD traits but I'm not certain if she would be Dx.  She is not malicious/covert but very childish and disregards others feelings, deny's her own actions and their effects upon others, DARVO behavior, & when pressed she resorts to 'victim'.  M is 72 and has some legitimate health issues that may contribute to some of her behavior, but has had these behaviors prior to the onset of these conditions.  She is generally a pleasant person to be around, but doesn't keep her word, follow through with commitments/promises, admit fault, lacks introspection, and has been extremely neglectful and dismissive throughout my life (I'm 53). 

I have done what you did, try to fix her, by explaining & reasoning with her- to no avail.  This is where I went wrong,  I continued to have expectation that she would behave like a 'normal'  M, I beat my head against that wall for years, this is my disfunction. 

When I divorced my updxh my M went NC with me, 4 years ago.  This was/is very painful for me.  It was a combination of her inability to handle reality, heavy influence of my ex (M & SF talk to him), and the fact that I had confronted her with her behavior. 
She lives near me but has little contact with my kids, sends gifts for birthdays, but will cooperate with my ex to visit kids in order to avoid me.  She plays the victim to my kids and blames me for everything.  Maybe I'm in denial about her.

To answer your question...I know that I need to forgive her (I'm not there yet).  I don't have to excuse or minimize her actions, but I need to let go of trying to get something from her even if it is a legitimate desire.  She is not capable or willing.  I have to accept that this is what it is and try to look at her through God's eyes.  I believe that He knows my loss and is compassionate, His grace is sufficient and He has overcome the world. 

I recently learned (through my kids and my ex) my M has breast cancer, so I'm feeling I need to get things in order while there's time.

I hope you can focus on the good that has come from your loss, and know you are not alone.   :bighug:

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gettingstronger1

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Re: Maybe God is the only answer to this problem
« Reply #2 on: January 03, 2020, 08:05:59 PM »
Free2Bme,

Thank you for your supportive response.  I am sorry to hear that you had to deal with multiple situations also.  It can be very stressful and overwhelming.  I am sorry to hear that your mom has breast cancer.  That is sad for the both of you.  Forgiveness is an interesting thing.  To me, forgiveness of mom was really for me.  Forgiveness doesn't mean that what the PD person did was right or ok.  It is just a blessing because it helps in letting go of the anger so the anger doesn't damage your life or health.  Forgiving someone else also doesn't mean that you have to get back in contact with someone who has no remorse for abusing you.  I believe that we can honor our parents by praying for them from afar.  God doesn't expect us to be a doormat and put up with abusive behavior.  I also believe that you don't have to rush to forgive someone.  It is important to grieve and process the feelings of sadness and anger so that when you are ready you can truly let it go and not let anger or the past run your life. 

Now that I have had the chance to think about this post and I have turned this problem over to God, I realized I titled this post wrong.  I understand now that God definitely is the answer to this problem.  It is not my job to fix it.  Since I have given this problem to God, things have improved some.  My husband and I found out that his brother understands what we are going through.  His brother wants to remain neutral and not say anything about the situation, but he does at least understand what we are talking about and he agrees that his mother won't change.  Another good thing is that my therapist is really helping me deal with this situation and realize in my heart that this is not my fault and the things my family says about me are not true.  I am struggling to come to terms with the fact that some of my family members truly mean to hurt me on purpose.  It is frightening to me that there are people out there that lack a conscience.  I just naively thought that everyone had a conscience, but now I realize that I am wrong.  In the end God takes care of this.  I definitely don't want anyone to go to hell or anything like that, but I do hope that there is more love and understanding of the harm done.  Like I said earlier is that this whole thing has brought me closer to God, and maybe some good to come out of this would be to help and support others going through a similar situation.

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Free2Bme

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Re: Maybe God is the only answer to this problem
« Reply #3 on: January 05, 2020, 11:08:15 PM »
gettingstronger

You summarize forgiveness vey well, it does take time to process.  I admit I was also naive and have struggled with accepting this reality.  This It goes against what I wanted my family to be. 

My T once told me he thought that people have a hard time getting to 'acceptance', because it feels like 'agreement'.  I had to think about this, but it is true that I have difficulty because it seems very unfair, and I don't agree. 

We (myself and children) did not hear from my M for Christmas/New Years.  It just feels like more rejection although I am not sure what I would say to her.   

It is good that you and H have a measure of understanding with his brother, maybe you can build upon that.  Hopefully, you and H can lean upon one another for support as well.

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1footouttadefog

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Re: Maybe God is the only answer to this problem
« Reply #4 on: January 18, 2020, 08:57:17 PM »
This is a good place to come to.  We are all responsible to be stewards of ourselves.  We must all do what we know to be what God has called us to do and be who He calls us to be. 

If we spend our time not being our best before Him because we are trying to change the minds of those who God gives free choice, perhaps we are playing God as well as being disobedient. 

Unless you are sure God has called you to "fix" these women, then let them have the dignity to choose. God himself gives them this freedom to choose.  He also allows them to have a portion of consequences for those choices. 

I am reminded of the direction the disciples were given to kick dust from their feet and move on.  I am also reminded of the direction not to through pearls at swines' feet.

I am somewhat remorseful about the time I wasted and opportunity and talent I wasted before I figured this much out.  I had to grief over this loss and have mostly done that and am not working toward a future anew.