so frustrating....

[Stepping lightly]

HI All,

This is just really a vent because DH and I are not really talking about it because it's really upsetting to him, and I need to vent somewhere!  We do not have ROFR in our CO, which for the most part is a really good sanity saver for us.  We also are very strict in sticking to the CO, so again...we don't have a lot of room to complain on the situation I am about to explain, but it still makes my heart ache for DH that BM and her live-in BF are so thoughtless.

DH and I each found out in separate ways that BM left the country this past week, and she did not tell DH.  She left the kids with her BF.  We didn't talk about it, because we each independently didn't want to upset the other when there was really very little that we could do about it but stew and document.  It came up because during the time that BM was out of the country during her custody time, it was DH's birthday.  Per the CO, each parent gets 3 hours with the kids on their birthday if it is not their custody day.  BF shows up at designated time and drops the kids off, and picks them up at designated time....not a minute extra.  So- they didn't do anything "wrong" per the order (out of the country IS debatable, however).  But seriously....the kids couldn't do a few extra hours or an overnight with us on DH's birthday while BM was  in another COUNTRY.  It was more "important" that the kids be with her BF that with DH.  I honestly can't even imagine a situation where the kids would be with me on BM's birthday while DH is out of the country on his custody time.  1- it wouldn't be secret like it was for BM (one kid slipped to DH and she posted it on FB- other kid did not slip), 2- DH wouldn't leave the country while we have the kids. 3-I would NEVER do that to BM.

We saw the kids at 2 activities this week- 5 days apart- and BM was absent for both of them.  Both activities, BF literally was in hiding- like ran out to the car and left the kids inside in hiding.  They are old enough to do that, but it's still just really really odd. 

Like I said, not much we can do, so we didn't make an issue of it.  If we had it really would be an ugly Christmas for the kids and we would risk BM trying to mess up our trip with the kids over New Years.  Sigh- more documentation for the file. Oh- AND I suspect BM is gas lighting the kids that DH DOES in fact leave the country and leave them with me, because DSD mentioned something about the time he did when they were younger.  He has literally never left them with me overnight even, just because we know the hell it would raise with BM. Good thing it's an easy one to prove if needed.

[Penny Lane]

So sorry. It's not just thoughtlessness. It's cruelty. Of course BM doesn't leave the kids with their father while she's gone. Can't let them have a chance to build a good relationship without her interference! She is really over the top awful. And so is her boyfriend for enabling her. As the parent, BM bears the ultimate responsibility. But as a fellow stepparent I can't IMAGINE watching my spouse treat their children and ex so badly - and not just going along with it but actively participating. I know it's so hard to watch from afar, and to watch your spouse hurting, and be able to do NOTHING about the bad behavior at the other house.

Sorry this is so stressful. Take care of yourself and each other. Hopefully this week goes by quickly and you have a fun trip to look forward to.

As much as I hate ROFR - and you know I do! - I suppose I should be thankful that they have the provision. Because otherwise we'd be seeing this exact thing.

[athene1399]

I am sorry, SL. This is beyond frustrating. Honestly, I think if you did have ROFR, BM would find a loophole for this to still happen. It so aggravating how the PD does stuff like this and we have to accept it.  Sometimes we do just have to vent. I am sorry the kids missed DH's birthday when they should have been with him. I know I would be very upset if this happened to SO. I hope you guys have a kick ass trip on New Years. You deserve to have some good family time together.

[Stepping lightly]

Thanks guys- It just made us sick seeing BF come pick them up and take them away to spend DH's birthday with him.  BF is a horrible person, and he is cruel to the kids, so that makes it worse too.  We keep our mouths shut in the name of peace for the kids.  The only solace we have is that if she takes us back to court- we have some of these things in our back pocket.  Oh...and....DH has a great relationship with his kids still.....even with relentless PA attacks since they were little, so trying to look at the bright side.  We started doing trips with the kids over New Years when we don't have them for Christmas and it has been a blast.  We found doing gifts with teenagers that are with you EOW is really challenging and they agreed they like the experiences better...so win win :-)