SD's Out of the FOG

[athene1399]

This is kind of a spin off of my earlier thread, but I thought I'd create a new one. BM kicked SD18(almost 19) out Sunday. She stayed with a friend the past two nights. SD went to BM's to get her stuff last night. Her brothers picked her up and went wither her. BM invited them over to chew them out (that was supposed to make SD change her mind and stay. BM told us earlier yesterday that kicking out SD and calling her names was a mistake- SO didn't respond). Things went well from what SD said. SD doesn't want to stay with us yet because she still has it in her head (from BM's alienation campaign years ago) that if she stays with us, her friends won't come to see her becasue we live so far away (20 min). SD did say she will probably end up with us at some point over break, but for now she wants to stay with her friend (who's a guy. SO was not happy, but kept that to himself and said she's old enough to do what she wants).

SD called us last night to let us know what was happening at BM's and filled us in on the past couple weeks. She got kicked out because she lent BM money and asked when she would be paid back. BM called her all sorts of names via text. SD was with her guy friend when this was going on, so showed her friend's mom the texts and they urged her to stay with them becasue they didn't think going back was safe. We agreed it was the right choice. SD was afraid we'd be mad she lent her mom money since we told her before not to lend out money and we said it was fine and that now she's learned from it. There was a lot more going on than that situation. I don't think the details are that important. SD just realized how ridiculous and childish BM was being, and that's all that matters.

SD apologized for some of the things she said during court (years ago) when BM was trying to alienate her from SO. She said she was just a kid and didn't understand any of it. And now she cant' believe she never saw how BM really was until now. We told her it was fine and that it's difficult to come to terms with someone you love who loves you has problems like that. SD mentioned everything we've ever wanted her to notice, like BM always playing the victim yet causes her own problems. She also said when BM was acting really childish and SD was calm ad mature that BM yelled at her and said she was just like SO. I'm guessing that was supposed to be an insult, but SD didn't take it that way. We said we were so proud over how mature she is and that she must have worked really hard to get like that. We also said we were sorry this is happening right before the holiday and it sounds like a difficult situation. SD said she had a feeling it was coming, so it wasn't a surprise.  We are just so relieve she decided to leave a bad environment.

We also stressed that we don't think BM is a bad person, she just has some problems. SD said she knows that and has never thought we've said anything bad about BM or think anything bad about BM (we know BM doesn't share that sentiment as she kept texting SO last night how she's sick of SD saying things that SO thinks about BM. SO continued to not respond).

Now we have to work on getting SD to stay with us instead of her guy friend. We asked if there's anything we can do to make our place more comfortable for SD. SD cried and said she doesn't want us thinking she's rejecting us, just that she's afraid her friends won't see her at our place or won't pick her up (she doesn't drive). I'm not sure how to fix that. I know she has had friends over in the past and her one friend picked her up from out place last week. I used to live near BM after high school and had a friend who lives near where I do now and I visited. Maybe I should tell her stuff like that?

SO tagged me in on the birth control talk with SD since she's staying with the guy friend for the time being. We've had the talk before, but it's probably not a bad idea to do it again.

[Stepping lightly]

hi Athene! 

This is really great progress for SD.  My advice is again, just feel you way through this with her gently.  She likely has a lot of emotions that she is trying to understand, and she may feel like she is betraying BM by staying with you guys.  Just keep an open door and maybe let her know that you guys will help facilitate rides to her friends' houses or for them to get together.  But I would tread lightly, be the safe landing place for her that does not come with any guilt for being or not being there.  If she shows up, a bright "it's so great to see you", but I wouldn't belabor the fact that she is there, or really push her to stay.  If you do, she may resist coming back. 

I would also caution- she could go back to the way things were before, so just be emotionally prepared for it...and enjoy her awareness now :-)

[Penny Lane]

A Christmas miracle!!!

After I read this I told DH "if the kids ever say this to us I will feel like we will have succeeded beyond our wildest dreams."

I'm sorry your SD is hurting. But I am so glad she had the opportunity to have this realization when the stakes are relatively low (better lend her the kind of money that a college student has rather than her first full time paycheck and then struggle to make rent).

I think it's great that your SD has the safety of her friend's home and even better than his mom was there too. They are more objective observers than you guys and they see it - maybe that helps her see it more clearly, too.

On where she's staying - it sounds like you're balancing two things. One is that she seems to have a much clearer head about what she needs, and she is saying she needs to stay with this friend and you want to respect that. She might not even be able to articulate why she really needs to stay with this friend - maybe it's more about taking a break from all family than being closer to friends. The other is that as adults we can see how maybe she does need to be with her parents but she doesn't realize it.

Like SL says, tread lightly. She has made a big grownup hard decision. I say, treat her like a grownup and respect her choice here. Reassure her, explicitly and with your attitude, that you don't feel like she's rejecting you, that you want what's best for her. Maybe a compromise would be that you ask her to commit to 1-3 nights at your house over winter break, whichever nights she picks, and you promise to drive her to see her friends if they won't pick her up. That way you can all see each other but it doesn't have to be all or nothing. But honestly ... this is such a huge, positive, thing that I would be celebrating her maturity and wisdom right now rather than worrying about her sleeping situation.

And, LOL, good luck with the birth control talk. No advice here. I am thrilled that so far DH has had to handle ALL of that stuff, that the benefit of being a stepmom is that I don't have to do it. But you'll get through it and it'll be good for her.

[hhaw]

It's super satisfying to see an adult child " get it."

As sad as the situation is, we need our kids to see the truth.

[athene1399]

I forgot to mention this and should. SD also said she didn't want to tell us what was going on at BM's because she was trying to protect us. She felt it was her problem and not ours. That made me a little sad.

But anyway, where she's staying isn't probably as big a deal as I was thinking. The main thing is she's out of a bad situation. She may get hoovered back in, but her older siblings never did so maybe not. I'll just have to put my feelers out to see if she wants to talk about anything, like how to set up boundaries with BM or what type of contact she wants to have with her. I don't want to push either. So maybe just letting the dust settle for now is the best thing. I think our next major priority is the insurance anyway. SD has to contact the state to set that up.

I'm hoping we can talk to the friend's mom when we get SD later. I do want to thank her for seeing whatever BM was saying to SD and telling her she shouldn't go back there. My heart melted a little when SD told us that. While I wish she was staying with us, I know she is in a good place. And the friend she is staying with helped me clean up SD's grad party when BM disappeared. lol So he seems like a good kid

[Stepping lightly]

I was telling DH about your story, and he reminded me that often the kids try to avoid future repercussions for their actions.  These are experiences we will never really understand, but SD may know that the impact from BM will be much less if she stays with a friend than if she spends the holidays with her dad.  Just a thought :-)

[athene1399]

You are probably correct. I never thought of it that way, but it would probably feel to BM like SD was choosing SO and she's probably lose it even more.

SD got the rest of her stuff from BM's yesterday, so she is completely moved out. I am relieved over that. BM wasn't supposed to be there, but was. She really upset SD. SD thinks part of the problem is BM is off her meds. She was off them when we were in court years ago and she was just awful. Unfortunately SD is getting the brunt of it this time. We were talking about it via text. I reminded her to reach out to her support network if she needs to talk to someone. She said she was going to journal for a bit to see what she wanted to do. She's choosing NC for now. I told her whatever she wants to do we will support. And that it's her decision and no one should guilt her into deciding anything, one way or the other. And she should reach the decision when she's ready to.