It's now safe to say, I survived....and a peaceful Christmas visit w kids

Started by Free2Bme, December 26, 2019, 09:04:43 PM

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Free2Bme

*I'll begin with sensitivity to those who are having a difficult holiday season.  :bighug: 
* I know most of us here have war stories and have endured much.  I'm not wanting to compare, just reflecting and feeling relief and grateful to finally be where I'm at.

It has been a divorce tsunami; with all the fallout, so many tears and battles fought. 
I would like to share something good  :)  if I may .

So, I had all four of my children for Christmas for 3 days, and there was no drama. (!)
DS17 & DS20 chose to drive 6 hours and stay with me and their sisters (21 & 14yo), although their dad's visiting his family in my town. (!)
My DS's (17 & 20) behaved loving and respectfully toward me and their sisters. (!)
DS20 was upbeat and his PD traits (no Dx) seemed very diminished and is enlisting in Navy.
I was relaxed and enjoyed the time together
It feels like we are turning a corner, just when it seemed it may never happen.

Recap- the past 4 years:

A 3 year long divorce, VERY expensive.
A smear campaign. 
Family & friends ....poof.....gone to flying monkey land.  No support system.
Excommunication from church. 
Updxh tries to run me over with car during visitation drop off/pick up, multiple times (and other destructive behaviors)
A severely depressed DS, some PD traits, went in patient, (He's the SG)
Daily belligerent outbursts from both teen sons
updxh obstructs my efforts to get counseling for kids
updxh brainwashes DS15 (GC son), "mom is bad, come live with me 6 hours away"
CPS paid me a visit right before he took me to court for DS15, nothing came of it
Attorney dropped me,  I had no more $
Went to court,  no attorney to represent. Now have to pay ex child support for DS15, no job. I was stay home mom 20 years  (he's an exec)  :stars:
Had to remove DS18 from home, he was abusive to me
Kids taking turns recreating drama in PD dad's absence  :doh:
Updxh continues to lie and alienate me from kids
Four major construction projects in home, numerous other breakdown's/repairs
I'm a FT student again @ 50
Financial difficulties
Fighting depression & severe insomnia for a year (both are better now), and multiple minor health issues

....Whew

I still have a ways to go with working on my issues and getting on my feet vocationally/financially.  There is still a lot of unknown about how things will fall out with my children (still holding my breath).  Still, I am grateful for these positive indicators and have a glimmer of hope for the future. 

Maybe there's someone here who can relate and be encouraged.
Thanks for listening.




Penny Lane


pushit

That is great, thank you for sharing!!!  And congrats to you for a peaceful Christmas!!

I do believe your post will help people, it helped me see something.

How it helped me - I'm recently divorced but my kids are younger.  I've thought a lot about how to deal with alienation and things like that, wondering if she'll be able to turn them against me at some point.  I won't play her game, but I worry if she'll be successful at some point.  One thing you wrote "Had to remove DS18 from home, he was abusive to me" hits home in a way.  I've wondered what I would do if any of my three kids start showing strong PD behavior and fully turn against me.  My gut tells me that in a worst case scenario I'd have to kick out my own child and cut off contact, I pray that I never have to.  What you wrote there shows me that you set a boundary, didn't allow him to cross it, and you still have communication now.  Kudos to you for doing that, and it gives me hope for my worst case scenario.

Also, I don't know your history from prior posts, but from your description of the last 4 years - WOW you've been through a lot!!  You are a strong person.  I'll tell you this,  My Dad finished his bachelors degree at 56 and found a much better job to finish his career, so if you want evidence it can be done, there you go.  He retired at 65, and is now 77 and happy playing cards with his friends.

Stand strong and keep moving forward.  Merry Christmas!!

athene1399

Thank you for sharing your story. That sounds very stressful.  I am glad you had a wonderful Christmas. :) I hope you have many more good moments like this to look forward to.

Latchkey

Free2Bme,
I'm so happy to hear you had a good holiday and your boys are doing much better. Congrats on being back in school. I am too and working full time and looking for another job all at the same time but just know you are not alone in this going-back-to-school-with-kids-your-kids-age in your class with you.  :wave: :cool2:
Thanks for checking in and hope you have a good break from school and a great semester/quarter ahead!
Latchkey
What is your plan to do with your one wild and precious life?
-Mary Oliver
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I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it.
-Maya Angelou
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When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.

Free2Bme

Thank you all for the support and kind words.   :)


pushit -
I understand your concerns about alienation, this was one reason I was compelled to stay until my kids were older (11, 14, 16, 17).  By this time they had seen so much.  Even so, my ex was still able to work his mojo on one DS, but not completely.  My updxh modeled that relationships are about power and control, so it's not a surprise that my DS's behaved this way.  Both boys have had to learn that choices have consequences.  I sincerely hope you will not have to be in this situation. 
With PD's there is no level playing field, all bets are off.  The only weapon (for lack of a better word) that I had was to take the highest ground.  I endeavored to have the utmost integrity in the way I conducted myself (whether kids are with me or not), never trash updxh, triangulate kids, use money or guilt trips as a tool, you get it.  Basically, I tried to be everything my updxh was not.  Simultaneously, I would reach out to DS's with texts/calls/invites/care packages/etc., and be a source of encouragement and praise without compromising expectation for them to behave decently.   It remains to be seen as to how my relationship with them will be as they are moving into adulthood (20 and almost 18).  So, I am still praying and waiting until they mature some.

Thanks for your encouragement in regards to school, great to hear your father's success story.  I have a degree, but unfortunately I did not maintain my licensure and skills, and so I have little earning potential post-divorce.  Starting over  :blink:  with some trepidation, I march on to the finish line.

Happy New Year !

pushit

Free2Bme - My guess is your relationship with your DS's will be just fine, they're adults now and able to make their own choices.  They can (or will shortly) see that in life you need to behave decently in order to maintain relationships/jobs/careers, etc.  I totally agree about taking the higher ground, never disparage the other parent, don't triangulate, just be there to support the kids.  Even more, be uncompromising about it.  I figure - If my kids are manipulated to live with uPDxw when they're 12, 14......whatever, I will always be in their lives and let them know I love them, but I still have my boundaries.  I'm your dad, I love you and will always support you , but you need to respect me and the rules in my house.  With all the drama in my "co-parenting" relationship with uPDxw, the one thing that occurred to me recently is "the relationship with uPDxw is dead, focus on the relationship with the kids".  As long as the four of us are okay, I really don't care what she might say to them.

Regarding your licensure:  I'm in a field (engineering) where you need to keep your licensure intact in order to practice.  You wouldn't believe how many people I know that let it lapse and regained it.  It takes some work, but it certainly isn't gone forever.  I also know many people with a license that shouldn't be allowed to practice  (in my opinion).  :stars:  Degrees and credentials are only a part of it, regardless of your field.  Get back out there and prove yourself, and the opportunities will come.   8-)