Karma

[gfuertes]

My younger sister and I both have children with exes who appear to have Narcissistic PD.  (That similarity leads to lines of thought that could make up a whole different post...)  Our exes have similarities and differences (but, curiously, they were each other's favorite members of our extended family).

My sister and then-1-year-old niece moved in with me 4 years ago, after a scary public fit of rage by her now-ex.  It took three years to get final custody/visitation/child support orders.  Three years!  Naturally, he fought for primary or at least 50-50 custody despite working 100 hours/week.  My sister became a night-shift nurse specifically so she could work only 2-3 nights/week, while her future children slept.  He blatantly intended to leave their daughter with whatever girl he was dating that month, or his parents, to ensure my sister wasn't "in charge" more hours than he was - and lying about it, daring her to prove it.  At the outset, my sister offered to agree to our state's basic guidelines:  joint legal custody and visitation for him every other weekend, one weekday evening, and - once their daughter was in school - much longer times on holidays and in the summer).  So he could've had that without an attorney.  He persistently tried to intimidate my sister with endless threatening texts throughout the night or while he knew she was at work, scary behavior at exchanges, and coming to our house, for all the world as if he imagined their judge being so impressed by what a big bully he was that he'd be rewarded with more time with his small child.  For years, the court just did not appear to care about any of this, which was infuriating.  But ultimately all that bad behavior was cited as the reason for giving my sister sole legal custody, and giving Dad *less* than standard visitation.  He never gets more than one overnight at a time, even during holidays and summers.  And my sister's exempt from "right of first refusal" (she doesn't have to offer Dad extra visitation if she needs childcare during her parenting time.)  So that was pretty satisfying, although the thought of what all those legal fees could've accomplished in my niece's college fund was sad.

As far as child support, still to this day my niece's dad systematically changes jobs, refuses to tell her where he works, and takes massive, voluntary (albeit temporary) pay cuts to thwart collection of child support.  This, while managing jewelry stores and luxury car dealerships (so he makes at least twice what my sister does, as a nurse), driving things that cost more than my first house, living in a luxury condo, supporting his current girlfriend, vacationing abroad, and constantly bragging about all of this.  Also, inconceivably, he was allowed to file bankruptcy, which slashed what he has to pay my sister on a separate, civil judgment regarding him destroying all her property and stealing her car when she left him.

My sister and niece have had their own place for the last year.  Only recently has the court finally caught up with all of this financial stuff.  It ordered that regardless what her ex currently earns, support will be calculated using the high amount he's clearly capable of earning.  The court it finally corrected the amount to be withheld from his paychecks, to reflect the higher amount, and to begin repaying all the back child support from the various stretches where he got away with paying nothing.  Plus, the court was just about to issue the second withholding order for the civil judgment.  Then Dad quit his job again.  He refused to tell my sister where his new job was.  For the last month and a half, the child support collection agency and prosecutor's office haven't been able to track down where he's working.  Meanwhile, he taunts my sister by saying things like, "Well, I may be a little late because I have a meeting at work..."  Yesterday their 5-year-old daughter came home from a visit, started to say something about "Daddy's work", then caught herself and said her dad has forbidden her to ever tell Mommy where he works.

He got his preschool daughter to help him avoid paying child support for her.

At that point, I just wanted to find him and kick him in the -----.  It bugged me all day, so I was happy for the distraction when a friend invited me to take our kids to the mall, let her daughter use the Build-a-Bear gift card she'd gotten for Christmas, and grab a Starbucks.  The third time we passed this new jewelry store in the middle of the mall, something made me stop and ask my friend to stroll back past it and check whether the guy in the suit behind the counter was my sister's ex.  Understand, I'm in my 40's and need glasses for the first time in my life, and have put off getting them.  So from the distance I'd seen this guy out of the corner of my eye - not paying attention at all - I could not make out his facial features, just his skin tone.  So it was only a hunch.  But it was a strong one.

My friend and her daughter left and didn't come back.  (They stopped at a store past the jewelry shop.)  My sister's ex is volatile and just hates me (because when my sister left him I was the main one supporting her, while he was intent on convincing her that if she "lost" him she'd have nothing and no one in the world.)  If this were him, for everyone's sake I didn't want to trigger him into some explosive scene at work, by letting him see me.  Finally, I gave my 11-year-old son my phone and let him walk past the jewelry store and see if he could discreetly snap a photo of the guy.  I figured a little kid walking past fiddling with a phone might not attract the guy's attention as much as if I'd done it.  And my son was several years older than the last time my sister's ex had seen him.  As my son walked back to me, the guy behind the counter grabbed his jacket, fairly ran out of the store, bumped into a mall cop and spoke with him for a few minutes, then ran out of the mall!

The picture my son had captured was clearly my sister's ex, sneering at him in a furious, threatening, intimidating way like something out of a bad movie.  At an 11-year-old!  We zoomed out for a shot that included the name of the store.  And now my sister can give that to the prosecutor and the court will finally know where to send the updated income withholding orders.   

I left for the mall feeling like my sister is just a perpetual victim of this jerk, and I walked out feeling like Jessica Fletcher!

[guitarman]

Abusers are all about power and control. It's terrible that children are used in the process.

Eventually everything will catch up with him. He can't hide forever, which you found out.

Please be very careful. Keep calm whatever happens.

I hope that you and your family can eventually all live peaceful lives free from any more abuse.

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