He showed them pictures I asked not to

[Mintstripes]

Hello everyone .
A few months ago, my GC sibling visited my city. I was hesitant but decided to go for lunch with him. It had been almost 5 years since I’d seen him. He met my child as well, for the first time. Another thing I was hesitant about. Well, never again.

Apparently leopards never change their spots. He is still the flying monkey he always was and my gut told me that. I should have listened.

I am angry at myself for agreeing to take a few pictures of us the day we met up. I was very clear about not sending or showing to anyone. I also asked him to send them to me and guess what: no response.

I got a typical, guilting and covert narc email from my estranged “mother” last week about how “lovely” it was to see the pictures of me and my child, that GC showed them. OF COURSE he did! (Btw I never respond to the emails).

It’s as if he was planning this the whole time. Visit sis in her city, snap a few pics and report back to Mumsy.

How enraging. But I am trying to go into 2020 with a blank slate. I need to leave my brother behind once and for all, because he will never be on my side. I know now (again) that I can never trust him.

Anyone else deal with similar behavior/situation? I feel so violated about the pictures.

[notrightinthehead]

You gave him a chance and he blew it. Sometimes we find that we are hopeful, because we have changed we also think that others have changed. And sometimes we are pleasantly surprised. But not in this case. As you say, now you know - again.  Be kind to yourself. You have come through worse.

[Mintstripes]

You gave him a chance and he blew it. Sometimes we find that we are hopeful, because we have changed we also think that others have changed. And sometimes we are pleasantly surprised. But not in this case. As you say, now you know - again.  Be kind to yourself. You have come through worse.

You're absolutely right. Thank you.
I am trying to remember something from another forum I read re a similar situation years ago: "they may have the pictures, but I have the real thing."

In a way, I'm relieved to have an answer now. When people show you who they are, believe them the first time, as the great Maya Angelou said.

[overitall]

I'm sorry you had this happen....I very very rarely have my photo taken, specifically for this reason...I have been NC for almost 10 years and I know they search for any way to get any information about me or my life....I had to go NC with my enabling sister for this reason...she continued to ignore my boundaries and I gave way too many chances....when she made a scene at my child's wedding, that was the end....

I think that some people actually believe they are doing the "right thing" by showing your mom pictures of you and your child...they just don't seem to understand what a HUGE boundary they ignored...I hope you're doing okay...

[Mintstripes]

I'm sorry you had this happen....I very very rarely have my photo taken, specifically for this reason...I have been NC for almost 10 years and I know they search for any way to get any information about me or my life....I had to go NC with my enabling sister for this reason...she continued to ignore my boundaries and I gave way too many chances....when she made a scene at my child's wedding, that was the end....

I think that some people actually believe they are doing the "right thing" by showing your mom pictures of you and your child...they just don't seem to understand what a HUGE boundary they ignored...I hope you're doing okay...

Thank you so much. I'm sorry about your experience as well. A scene at the wedding! Unbelievable!

And yes, exactly. A huge boundary has been crossed.  Thank you for verbalizing that. Not only did he show my mother (unPD covert narc enabler) the pictures, he showed Daddy Dearest (unPD narc abuser). It makes me sick.

Coincidentally, GC texted me today for the first time in months to say "happy holidays!!!!"  There's no doubt in my mind that he also shared everything about our lunch that day. He's a real wolf in sheep's clothing. At least no one has my address.

[overitall]

I've had this experience so many times and I'm so sorry you had to deal with this...one of the reasons I went completely NC...for me, any interaction with any person in my FOO would involve them obtaining as much information as possible and passing in onto my parents .... 

My uBPDm and uNPDf now brag to everyone about the success of their grandkids (my kids)...what a joke...Because I am the SG and I put boundaries into place, my kids have not received birthday or Christmas gifts for 20+ years...The fantasy (on their part) continues..

[Mintstripes]

I've had this experience so many times and I'm so sorry you had to deal with this...one of the reasons I went completely NC...for me, any interaction with any person in my FOO would involve them obtaining as much information as possible and passing in onto my parents .... 

My uBPDm and uNPDf now brag to everyone about the success of their grandkids (my kids)...what a joke...Because I am the SG and I put boundaries into place, my kids have not received birthday or Christmas gifts for 20+ years...The fantasy (on their part) continues..

Omg that is so typical!!! Everything becomes about them and living in a fantasy is so common. One of my friend's UNnarc father who was barely involved in her life brags to others about her advanced education. Ugh!

On that note, in her email to me about the pictures that my GC so graciously showed them  , my mother indulged in some fantasy of her own, talking about how nice it would have been if my child and I could have been there to make Christmas cookies with her!!!

We haven't made cookies together in probably well over a decade. And we certainly won't be now, let alone seeing her or having any contact. And why is that mom? Because your husband is an abuser, you were and still are his enabler (and abusive as well) and you are both toxic, unsafe people. But of course, none of that will occur to them. Not before, and not now, in their 70's!!!

I am this close to sending a firm, no nonsense final email to GC because I am FURIOUS he went behind my back to deliver news and photos. The only silver lining I can see here is that I now have no doubts going into the new year.

[overitall]

Not sure that I would send a NC email to GC...probably wouldn't make any difference....my uBPDm was a COMPLETELY different parent to GCsis and me....she was coddled, favored, pampered, and literally treated like a queen....I, on the other hand, was scorned, shamed, criticized, and physically and emotionally abused by my mom...GCsis has zero empathy for me...she thinks my mother is the best mother in the world...she thinks I'm a horrible person because I am NC with the entire FOO....I did not allow any of them any contact with my kids when they were younger...my kids are all adults now and they have not had ANY contact with GCsis for over 15 years....no relationship with uBPDm, but they do occasionally see uNPDf (he is not as toxic)   As for me, ZERO contact with any of them

[Mintstripes]

Not sure that I would send a NC email to GC...probably wouldn't make any difference....my uBPDm was a COMPLETELY different parent to GCsis and me....she was coddled, favored, pampered, and literally treated like a queen....I, on the other hand, was scorned, shamed, criticized, and physically and emotionally abused by my mom...GCsis has zero empathy for me...she thinks my mother is the best mother in the world...she thinks I'm a horrible person because I am NC with the entire FOO....I did not allow any of them any contact with my kids when they were younger...my kids are all adults now and they have not had ANY contact with GCsis for over 15 years....no relationship with uBPDm, but they do occasionally see uNPDf (he is not as toxic)   As for me, ZERO contact with any of them

So sorry for your experience. Isn't it wild that siblings can both grow up in the same house and not even acknowledge the pain and trauma the SG endures? I think many GCs in this situation turn out to be narcs who lack empathy.

Anyway, I don't think an email would change anything but it's more about being true to myself, I'm tired of saying nothing for the sake of it "not being worth it". I'm still on the fence. I've already deleted the burner phone number app I was using (the only phone number they had for me) so they can't contact me there, and I'm going to close the old email account as well. I shouldn't have to see their attempts to reel me back in.

[sandpiper]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. It is infuriating to step back inside the system and to realise that nothing has changed. My advice would be to step back and count to ten so that you don't get drawn into any head games.
I'm with those who are advising against making any response.
The only way to win is by not tossing the ball back into their court. If you want peace, it's probably best to let that ball bounce right off your court and disappear into the bushes and then mutter 'Mmhhhmm' when they run off to go looking for it.
All you are doing by responding is by signalling that they've hit a nerve and typically the PD response to that is to shout 'Eureka!' And keep hammering at it.
What I learned in T and at these boards is that you need to make yourself as uninteresting to them as possible.
Don't feed the drama.
My T's initial advice  when I wanted out, was to slowly step back and create emotional distance between my own life and that of PD FOO. The advice was that NC could be harder than VLC as once you go NC they can use that to create additional drama and they can draw in a lot of other third parties 'Why won't X resolve this conflict with me, boohoo?' If you are simply VLC and don't engage then they can't play that game. You're in contact, you simply aren't engaged in their drama. VLC worked well for me for a very long time & FWIW when I did go NC it was far more stressful.

There is no real way of knowing what is going on inside their heads, and as long as you are thinking about the possible motivations or rationales or the allegiances between dysfunctional FOO, this is taking up emotional energy that's stopping you from using your time and your love  and your energy in constructive ways. It's time that the people you love don't get to have with you being fully present because you're caught in the cycle. They are renting space in your head. The goal of recovery is to break loose from that cycle. NC and VLC in themselves are not the goals - changing how you deal with it is.

Part of that involves considering that there are multiple potential explanations for the behaviour and in the end, none of them matter because in the end you just have to deal with the behaviour and protect yourself from it - why it's happened is out of your control and so giving up time to think about that isn't necessarily going to help you.
Yes, your sibling may have set you up, or it just may be that he got suckered by your mother into believing that she has changed, or it may be that he is utterly clueless about boundaries. 
I know people who would do this because they'd think that showing the PD a photo of the sweet child they were missing out on knowing might prompt them to think about the error of their ways and work to change. I've lost track of the number of times some well-intentioned but ignorant human being has said words to this effect - they don't get that the PD has issues with their internal wiring which mean they don't have a normal set of responses for filters/conscience/empathy.
Your sibling may well still be stuck in the fantasy of thinking the PD can 'snap out of it' and one day be the kind of parent that can actually parent.
Who knows what his motivation was?  Either way, he's enmeshed and unless he goes to therapy he's going to lack insight and be vulnerable to manipulation by abusive personalities.
So FWIW I would stop and consider what you can do to protect your life from further drama, further violations of your privacy, and further betrayals.
What this involves is working out strategies for things you can do - and let go of the idea of telling anyone in your family what you do and don't want them to do.
I.e. plan for next time and learn from your mistakes.
If you don't want your parents seeing photos of your children then make sure there are no opportunities for flying monkeys to take photos. It's a bit like looking at an obstacle course on a cross country field and thinking 'well, there's the obvious hazards, let's think how I can avoid being pushed into that open sewer behind the triple jump.'
Eg. next time, don't take your child on any outing involving your brother. Sorry brother, child at the last minute came down with bubonic plague/tonsilitis/lost all interest in hanging out with us and went with a better offer to play with a friend.
Bear in mind, you can control what you do, you can't control what others do.
Once you develop strategies based on that format, it does become easier to manage PDs and the enmeshed.
PDs love to play games at this time of year, if they can start fires it distracts from their own emotional turmoil and when you blow a gasket (completely understandably when your boundaries are violated) they can then point the finger and say that you are the problem. The trick is to learn not to get caught up in this - if they can't get a response from their favourite game of 'poke the bear' then eventually they decide it's not a satisfying game and they seek another target.
If you respond you are potentially falling into a trap of a game of psychological ping-pong that can go on for as long as they want it to last.
The sad reality of PD families is that unhealthy behaviours are regarded as the norm and it is rare for other family members to see through the FOG when you do. Everyone grows up being subjected to a form of brainwashing that conveys the message that the abuser's needs are paramount and everyone else's responsibility is to meet the abuser's needs. Getting past this is huge and many adult siblings will never make it over that hurdle - many will never even see it.
The end result is that in PD families, the PD parent gets the ongoing satisfaction of creating drama by triangulating everyone and pitting their children against each other.
If you want to understand more about this, google the Karpman Drama triangle.
Sorry that's a lot of info, I hope it's not overwhelming.
Your post took me back to a time when I felt much the same way, so in a sense it's me trying to time travel to offer up what I needed to hear, back then.
Learning to create effective boundaries with enmeshed/dysfunctional FOO is something that takes time.
Just be aware that if you do go the route of telling your brother he's not welcome in your life, you may well be doing exactly what your abusive parents wanted.
That's the goal of most abusers - isolate the victim, pit children against each other, keep everyone off balance by perpetuating an endless cycle of drama.
You and your child may not be the targets here - it may be that your parents want to set up a situation that will pitt you and your brother against each other.
Quite possibly there are other ways of creating psychological safety for you and your child than by engaging with whatever game is going on.
My T told me that my cousins and my siblings had the potential to become allies, if I kept a safe distance. That was good advice and while it has taken time, I've benefitted from that.

[sandpiper]

Sorry, edit fail.
I meant to end my post with: you are the one inside your situation so really, you are the only one qualified to know how to act. Sometimes we need time out from our families. Sometimes you need NC for a short time, for a long time, or forever.
What I've learned at these boards is that it's a mistake to say that you need time out or that you need NC, because dysfunctional families are unlikely to respect the boundaries that you put in place to protect your mental health. Sometimes you just need to take that time out and guard it with effective boundaries.
I'm not disputing that the need for NC may be real and necessary - just that writing that line in the sand can be like waving a red flag at a bull. And stating that need may get the exact opposite of the result you are trying to achieve.
Sometimes it is just more effective to simply quietly let it go, take a deep breath, and then take a big step back, and then another, and another, and another. The bin fire can happen without you, after all.