Encounter with uPDM for first time since NC 3 yrs ago

[MiniWheat]

Hi Everyone,

I have been NC (with clear boundaries set) for about 3.5 years. I'm the SC, in a family with multiple sibs including of course GC and en sibs. When I went NC the FOO retaliated by cutting me off. Since then, I kept in contact with 1 sib who lives nearby and has always been a bit of an ally, and an aunt reached out to me and has been amazing (by putting love first and skipping the FOO crap).

I've struggled over the last year with maintaining NC. Boundaries have been violated and re-stated (by my DW) multiple times, and there've been near misses. Since the beginning we've allowed visitations with the grandkids, under strict rules and chaperone. I've continued with therapy which combined with NC has really reduced triggering and downward spirals in my life.

There was an arranged chaperoned Xmas visit with the FOO and kids, but I had to drop the kids off. Normally this is literally a drop, nothing more. This time though, a few things went wrong and I ended up outside the vehicle, with my en sib and uPDM nearby, coming toward me quickly. My uPDM said "hi" and I said "hi" back, and dusted off my medium chill. Long story short, I was invited in, and offered a hug, which I responded to with a "no thank you" and a clear physical "no thank you" cue (hand up in "stop" position).

I was reminded again of how I get all this anxiety, and then discover in a confrontation that actually, often, they are more afraid of me. I found myself surprisingly calm, and having the kids to focus on really helped keep the focus off me and off the FOO. After I declined the hug, she disappeared and I didn't see her. Another FOO member who can't stand me (because I am obviously the very bad guy who cut off my uPDM just to hurt everyone ) also disappeared without saying a word. In light of this I actually hung around for an extra few minutes to accept hugs from my nieces and nephews and give them their christmas presents.

I did have a bit of anxiety afterward, like "oh no, now what will she do, what price will I pay for this" but so far - nothing. If anything the encounter and things my kids told me afterward have only double confirmed that she hasn't really changed (she's been telling everyone lately including my kids that she's changed so much - ie give her another chance).

Prior to all this I read this article: No contact – is it difficult to maintain? http://parenting.exposed/category/a-scapegoated-adult-childs-life/

... and it really helped to ground me in reality prior to a possible RL interaction with her.

The "hi" and "no thank you" were the first words said to her in nearly 4 years. I'm still grappling with our next steps with the NC FOO, but I am comforted right now feeling solidly in my own driver's seat - I found myself feeling stronger and firmer than ever in the limited surprise interaction with her.

[doglady]

Wow, Miniwheat, you did an amazing job when dropping your kids off at your FOO's house, holding your boundaries and all. It must have been anxiety producing.  Well done. That was brave. It sounds as if that experience continued to confirm all your thinking around NC.

Like yourself, my FOO have basically all disowned me since I called my updM and enDad out about the dysfunction in the family (despite my sibs privately venting about it to me for years, hence me deciding to step into the breach and confront my parents - with my sibs' supposed support, although all I saw were tumbleweeds behind me when I did it  ).

Anyway, we are clearly better off without them, and I'm glad that you feel stronger and firmer than ever in your resolve. Great to hear. 

[MiniWheat]

Wow, Miniwheat, you did an amazing job when dropping your kids off at your FOO's house, holding your boundaries and all. It must have been anxiety producing.  Well done. That was brave. It sounds as if that experience continued to confirm all your thinking around NC.

Thank you, it was surprisingly smooth thanks I think to the work done beforehand. My kids are also old enough now we can start to talk about this stuff, so we're no longer 'pretending' for them, which helps a lot. I wouldn't have done this and risked a run-in even last year.

It sounds like she really hasn't changed much at all, but she thinks she has, which is more of the same in an ironic way. She put a hard press on my kids to convince them that her therapy is resulting in big changes for her.

These interactions are rare. She has only requested grandkid visits probably less than once a year since I went NC.

I tell this story partly because I've been struggling with weather to maintain NC or go VLC as a way to actually *reduce* anxiety now that we're in the same area, and working in similar circles. If I know a bit about her whereabouts, I can better avoid interactions, and plan for them when they do happen. This one was planned and it made it relatively easy for me. Preparing really helped a lot.

I haven't decided yet, but for now will stay the course. I know there's a very low chance she will reach out, she prefers the myths of our relationship rather than reality.

[Brooke]

Sounds like you handled it brilliantly!

[GettingOOTF]

Sounds like you are really healing and growing. You sound strong. I’m not sure I could have done what you did.

The seemingly total disregard for our feelings and the impact of their treatment of us really amazes me. It’s shocking to me that they thought you’d want a hug. My family are like this too.

Thanks for the link. I found it helpful.

For some parents, they couldn’t care less if their scapegoat child leaves the family unit. They will scapegoat them in absentia by continuing to rehash old stories which deem the scapegoat unstable,

I have no way of knowing for sure but this accurately sums up how I suspect my family are reacting to my NC.

[nanotech]

I'm in a VLC situation with dad and
NC with the rest.
At least if they are rehashing old stuff about you, you are safe from any new conflicts, and they aren't getting topped up with supply from any recent interactions. All. Good.
I used to put up with all sorts from my FOO, who thought it was my role in life to make them happy and to keep them entertained. Now  I just don't see them or speak to them. I love how that makes me feel.
Anxiety -free is how I'd describe it.

[MiniWheat]

I used to put up with all sorts from my FOO, who thought it was my role in life to make them happy and to keep them entertained. Now  I just don't see them or speak to them. I love how that makes me feel.
Anxiety -free is how I'd describe it.

It was a hard decision with the kids, but ultimately we decided as part of the NC to allow pre-planned and chaperoned visits, as she's either distant with the kids or really warm, but not abusive anymore. What threw things off the rails a bit is having my FOO that I'm NC with move to our area, and unplanned run-ins with them, and the chances of those run ins were really stressing me out.
I've learned from this, at least in my case, that I'm actually better off knowing if I've got a chance of running into her, then I can prepare and guard myself. This requires basically a VLC situation, OR in my case, my 1 ally sib giving me the heads up on the side when she's in town. My fears are me running into her in an unguarded state, and having the wheels come off the cart.
In the past, once, I actually uprooted my family to get away from her and my FOO, and no joke - she moved and basically ended up within walking distance of our house! In hindsight it wasn't a good move for my family.
I've decided this time that I am staying put, and am working on other strategies to limit my triggering.