MIL Hoover after NC? About to give birth..

Started by Zuul, December 29, 2019, 09:21:32 PM

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Zuul

My husband and I went No Contact with his PD family about 3 months ago (the last time he spoke with his Narc Mom, she said we needed to fly to their country to give birth because only SHE can take care of our baby &  that his wife [me] deserves to be attacked & ostracized by his family--amongst other nonsense I won't elaborate on unless requested)

I'm a few weeks away from giving birth, and in the last 2 weeks there have been some odd Hoover attempts:
1) I got a text from a random number with my husband's name and question mark. Turns out it was my MIL--I never responded back, just instinctively blocked the number. Despite being married to her son for 13 years, my MIL has NEVER messaged me & I didn't know She even had my number ...She has my husband's number, so I'm not sure why she would text me asking if its his number...
2) Husbands SIL (his brothers wife) messaged him on Facebook asking "Are you okay??" When he went NC, he told SIL to please only keep him in the loop if one of his relatives was ill. He hasn't responded.
3) Husbands Auntie (MILs healthy sister) randomly comments on my FB pregnancy picture asking if we're having a boy (DH let everyone know it's a girl months ago before NC).

I know trying to make sense of their behavior is a fool's errand--we are just anxious that they will try to weasel back in once the baby comes and not sure how to fortify ourselves against it.

I worry that DH will backside on his progress because having a baby is a big deal, and he deserves to have someone from his family celebrate that with him, but sadly they are all so toxic.

Any advice how to stay strong? Can we put boundaries in place if we cave on NC? How have your PD in-laws behaved once you had kids??


candy

Zuul, I guess you already have a good knowledge of what your IL's are going to be like once the baby arrives.

Your MIL has told your DH that she feels entitled to take care of your baby and that the whole family is entitled to ostracize you. That sounds like a declaration of very ugly behavior to come, and IMO that's all you need to know. Trust her, she has told you who she is.
Of course that is a whole lot of nonsense to a healthy person. But believe that this nonsense is your MIL's (and maybe even the family's) core belief.

I also have a malignant NMIL who had told me repeatedly that she thought to be a better mother to my child than me.
When I finally believed her, I let her silent treatment evolve into NC for me and DD. DH has been VLC. That was 1.5 years ago, and it started when our LO was only several month old.
In my individual experience it just does not get better with PD grandparents. It gets worse.

I don't recall who posted it and whether it was a post or part of the signature of one of the members here. Every word happened to be true with my IL's, and as I copied it for myself, l'll quote it for you:

,,Beware: grandkids bring out a level of entitlement that is astonishing. PDs will show their true colors in trying to get their way. PROTECT YOURSELVES from the beginning with NO expectations of enmeshment once baby arrives."

Regardless of whether this is your first child or your fourth, your world is going to change big time. Good visitors, parents and ILs' should provide support, i.g. precooked meals, help with housework, an helpful arm, an ear that listens. People who already demand, claim, request before the baby is even born, will very likely not be good for your little family during the precious time that lies ahead.

If I had to redo the first time with our DD who is a toddler now, I would apply the same criteria of ,,good visitors" to family members and friends and I would exclude everyone who doesn't fit the criteria. You are allowed to take care of your baby, yourself and your husband first! Don't spend your energy on the PD family members. This is just not the time.

It is compassionate of you to wish your DH had someone from his FOO celebrating with him. Please remember that it is not on you if there just is nobody. Maybe DH can celebrate with a good friend?

I cheer you on to stay strong about your level of contact. Stay NC if you need to. And please be gentle and forgiving with yourself if you try again with them. We are all humans and it is really, really ok to go back and forth, adjust, find a solution that fits you.

It is a very good idea to talk to your DH about boundaries with his family now. What is non-negotiable? What do you do if your boundaries are violated? Be prepared that you will probably have to revisit some of your boundaries once you get to know your baby. Questions like ,,how much touching or cuddling the baby, or you, is okay?", ,,What details do we share?" will pop up. It is impossible to already have the answers now.

Wishing you all the best for the birth, your soon-to-be new family member and yourself! Take good care!

Zuul

Candy,
That's such good advice, thank you so much for sharing your experience and insight! I think part or me wants to "leave the door open" for them to sort of prove I'm not this cold woman who has stolen their son/brother away from them and deserves their hatred. Just saying that, I realize I can't change/affect/control the way they see me--it will always be distorted. Their opinion of me isnt my reality, nor DH's anyway. With the baby coming, we're just feeling vulnerable and nostalgic for those crumbs of positive attention that were really just intermittent reinforcements. You're right--people show us who they are with their words and deeds, and if they act a certain way 99% of the time, that's who they are (not the 1% of the time they might actually be nice)

Tough road ahead, but I'm glad to have this forum and my husband to help work through it. We have vowed to give our LO the love, choice, and freedom to be her own person, and to enjoy her childhood without being parentified. We're looking forward to breaking this cycle of twisted family dynamics and loving this child unconditionally-- something we both were denied.

Here's to hoping 2 recovering codependent empaths can raise a child with healthy attachments!   😀


H_Allison

Just wanted to chime in and say that you guys will be great parents! Sure, you'll mess up, and it won't always look beautiful- but no need to cross your fingers on this one! You and your DH are already great role models by keeping the focus on what matters: a strong relationship between the two of you and a supportive relationship with your DD. Congrats on this amazing, terrifying, overwhelming, empowering, and awe-inspiring journey into parenthood! You've got this, mama! You're going to be great!


Pepin

Quote from: Zuul on December 30, 2019, 07:54:33 AM
I'm not this cold woman who has stolen their son/brother away from them and deserves their hatred.

I just wanted to chime in and say that sadly, PDs think this about their married children -- that their grown adult child is incapable of making decisions about who to marry.  My N father often questioned my choice of spouse (and my PDMil has done the same with all of her children) and he would support his claim by saying that he must have done a poor job raising me!  I've also been accused of being brainwashed. 

While I removed NF from my life a long time ago, PDMil is still barely a part of it and after decades, she still talks behind her adult children's backs about their respective spouses and how she doesn't approve...what PDs refuse to acknowledge is that it is part of life to marry and start a family of one's own...and sadly, as I have been dealing with, they will NEVER back down. 

The only way to move forward is to remove them from your life and focus on your own.  If your husband is united with you on this, it should be smooth.  Beware of flying monkeys...remove them, too.

qcdlvl

Quoteshe said we needed to fly to their country to give birth because only SHE can take care of our baby &  that his wife [me] deserves to be attacked & ostracized by his family...

This sounds outright scary, not you garden variety unreasonable/toxic IL. My advice is to never, EVER, set foot in her country or let your child visit as long as she's a minor. The moment you or your child set foot in another country, you're subject to that country's laws, including on custody, while your MIL may have resources that are useless outside the country but make a big difference under its jurisdiction (from knowledge of its legal system to connections with local lawyers to in-depth knowledge of the language and culture). The balance of power could dramatically change. Something widely accepted in one place may be grounds for removal of custody in another. This doesn't just apply to Third World countries (in which often weak rule of law makes local knowledge and connections even more critical), in Norway children have been removed because there was stale gingerbread in the house. On the other hand, in most places your child couldn't get a passport without your permition, and even with a passport in principle can't travel without your specific authorization for that trip.

prettyinpink

DH and I welcomed our first child 8 years ago. I felt the same way with dealing with my NPD SIL as far as not wanting to exclude her (it was her nephew being born after all) and maintaining boundaries. I should have known better that she would make it all about her...she would visit for long periods of time and was overall very awkward. When we had our second son 2 years ago, we got smarter and a little stricter with her as far as visitation went. She still showed up unannounced, but my husband basically shooed her out and didn't allow her to stay. I am currently 7 weeks away from giving birth to our third child (a girl this time) and we have actually been NC with his sister since May.  I'm not sure if she is going to try to show up to visit, but I already have a plan to speak with the hospital staff about unwanted visitors and trying to keep her away from us all together. It sucks that it has to be this way, but she has proven time and again throughout the years that she is mentally unstable and not to be trusted. I gave her several chances because she is my husband's sister and my kid's aunt, but if I gave her an inch she would take a mile. I know that I will always be the "bad guy" to her and that used to bother me, but not anymore. I hope that you are able to enjoy the arrival of your little one with as little drama as possible!