Need advice: What does gray rock look like here?

Started by HeadAboveWater, December 30, 2019, 12:15:15 AM

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HeadAboveWater

Had a Christmas celebration with the in-laws a couple days ago, and it seemed like we'd reached open levels of contempt. They been giving DH the silent treat since September, including passing on the typical phone call on Thanksgiving. Normally, we know what perceived slight started the icy period of relations, but I can't honestly even guess at it this time. Anyway, we drove nearly seven hours to see DH's foo for the holidays, and his parent last were almost comic in their attempts to ignore us. They never said hello or goodbye and never directed a single question toward me in four hours. DH received slightly more interaction, but not by much.

DH has arranged to have lunch with his family tomorrow (the 30th). After being ignored so aggressively, he wants to confront them at lunch. My choices, as I see them, are:
Participate in a confrontation
Passively watch the confrontation
Be the only one of five children and spouses not to show up to lunch at all.

I know what I want, which is to just skip the whole thing. But which approach feeds into the drama least? I want to project a message of "I couldn't care less."

Zuul

That's a hard one...in my experience, silent treatment has been used as a punishment and the expected reaction is to get you to confront them (so they can tell you all the rehearsed reasons why you're the bad guy, OR they can act innocently aloof, gaslighting so you seem crazy when you bring it to their attention: ex "what are you talking about? We haven't ignored you, we're just busy! You need to get over yourself, thecworld doesn't revolve around you!")

Honestly, your DH might be playing right into their hands on this. On the one hand, I'm all for being assertive and calling out this behavior when it happens, but to bring it up at lunch with the rest of the family? The parents are gonna loooove having an audience to back them up and help put DH on the defensive so they don't have to answer for their behavior.

We're I you, I'd talk with DH about what he realistically hopes this interaction will produce. Maybe he could confront them in a less charged setting just between them? As for your role, I wouldnt bother attending. They might use your absence as a way to further ostracize and insult you, but werent they just gonna disrespect you in person? Might as well spend that time getting a manicure or exploring the town (since you're 7 hours from home--enjoy it!) The rest of the spouses and in-laws can make up their own minds about it; maybe some of them can relate and recognize why you stayed away.

When I've been forced to be around my in-laws in these situations, they literally do not make room for me at the table and only speak in their native language (they all speak English fluently). They appear to enjoy having me present while simultaneously shutting me out and excluding me. If I have to be around them in those situations, I try to make the most of it (bring a book to keep myself entertained, chat up other people in the restaurant, call my own family to chat about what a great vacation I'm having/what souvenirs I'm bringing home). I treat it like I'm dropping him off for a semi-supervised playdate. This approach is only needed when his parents are there to control the interactions--when we just spend time with his siblings and spouses, we actually have quite a nice time and get to know one another.

Good l7ck with whatever you decide, just wanted to let you know how I've dealt with this in my own PDin-law scenario

NumbLotus

Reading this situation, the option I am seeing is:

- Neither of you puts yourself out and drives however far to subject yourselves to torture

- Neither of you takes the bait and provides a delightful source of victimhood and selfrighteousness by pointlessly confronting them

- Both of you attempt to stop giving tbem headspace, stop guessing whatever the heck you did to set them off, and let them play their drama games themselves

I assume other FOO will be there. I assume you already promised to go. Oh well. "We can't make it after all."
Just a castaway, an island lost at sea
Another lonely day, noone here but me
More loneliness than any man could bear

HeadAboveWater

Thank you so much for your perspectives. I went to sleep feeling somewhat ok about all of this. My mindset was relieved, thinking "Well, we're finally becoming estranged, and it wasn't my fault." DH was talking about how his loyalties are with me, not with his FOO and how he no longer wants to be disrespected by his family. So these were all good things. Then I awoke this morning literally screaming from a nightmare.

bloomie

HeadAboveWater - Not sure if you already met or didn't meet, but just offering support and encouragement as it is clear this is weighing heavy on you and your DH. Let us know how you are doing. :hug:
The most powerful people are peaceful people.

The truth will set you free if you believe it.

JayBird

You and your DH did not deserve to be treated so poorly on the holidays. Wow, you both made a significant effort to travel 14hrs round trip to be with DH's FOO and you were ignored, not greeted warmly, held in poor regard.  I am sorry this happened. It is NOT normal behavior.

That's the thing with NPDs, support only flows in one direction. It will likely more often than not be a lopsided relationship with DH's NPD parents. Have you considered giving yourself a gift of 14 carefree hours devoted to some activity or interaction that is uplifting, warm, inspiring. You are worth it!

HeadAboveWater

Thank you all, again, for your lovely words of support and advice. I have found Out of the FOG to be a very helpful, comforting place when I've needed it.

I'm currently enjoying a lovely New Years Day in a peaceful place that is special to me. It's been a pleasant respite.

As for that luncheon with the in-laws...it was ok. We went in part to keep our commitments and in part to show that any drama does not come from us. I decided to be neutrally pleasant and affirming when possible but not to start conversations or speak unless spoken to. It did take until the end of the meal before I was really involved in conversation and that was because my husband, obviously floating a trial balloon, began speaking about my work. Later I was asked my opinion on a non-political current event. Though there was nothing personal about the content of my opinion, and my opinion had been solicited, my MiL started loudly talking over me when it was clear I disagreed with FiL. And, while that's typical behavior for them, I didn't find it particularly hurtful. During lunch MiL spoke glowingly of a formal dinner we treated her to 12 years ago, though at the time she criticized it as profligate and nearly ruined the evening with her moaning. I have no idea why she brought it up or revised history. After lunch, MiL texted DH to tell him that she found my hair and makeup  attractive. While the delivery of that compliment is very odd, at least she was feeling charitable enough to give it. FiL seemed pleasant but cool throughout the gathering.

So now it's unclear whether MiL, FiL, or both initiated silent treat. We still can't begin to guess why (nor do we care to go fishing for reasons). I also don't know whether the iciness was directed primarily at me, my husband, or both of us. But, while the behavior can still get under my skin in the moment, I'm nearly indifferent to the people. This is a huge step for me. I realize how far my sense of self worth has come and how I am progressing with my ability to accept what I cannot control.