Grieving the Mother I Never Had or Will Have

[windchime]

Hi, I am new here. My mom is PD although not officially diagnosed beyond having MD. I finally made the decision to mostly go NC with her a year ago this last August. I moved my DH and teen DDs far enough away to prevent any physical contact and I just stopped responding to her or reaching out. I send a card with a  GC on her birthday and Christmas, though. This may be the last year for that.

I have been struggling a lot more with the NC that I thought I would. I am relieved I don't see or talk to her and my life has been so much better for it. I finally realized that it is time to go to therapy to work through all my trauma so that I can truly heal, so that is what I am doing in the New Year.

I have come to realize that there are two things that are so hard to come to terms with in this process. The first is grieving the mother I never had and will never have. I feel cheated, angry and devastated that I will never have the mother daughter relationship that so many people have. It is especially hard during the holidays as my friends go do normal things with their moms. I also grieve the grandmother my DDs will never have (ages 14 and 17 now). This NC has been hard on them too. Not because they don't want it, but because they are also grieving not having a grandmother who loves them unconditionally like so many of their friends.

The second thing that is so difficult is accepting that my mom is incapable of loving me the way I need it. She is only capable of loving those she gains material things from and although it is freeing to know that it isn't me that is unlovable, it is still so hard to know that she is wired this way. I have always held onto the hope that things could be different if she only knew how I felt and how she makes me feel, but it never changes no matter how hard I try.  Letting go of that hope is really hard. I think it is the hardest thing of all in this process.

I would love to hear your thoughts, stories and/or words of encouragement. Thank you.

[pipchick]

Hi there, and welcome

I'm sorry for what you have been through... and yet happy that you have gotten away and are leading a happier life.

You are right about those two things being really hard in this process. We cling to hope, especially when we have been so emotionally and psychologically battered. It feels often as if the last vestige of our self esteem is there, hiding. We believe like children. If we believe enough, then everything will be all right. If we can only be good enough, nice enough, calm enough. And we hold onto it because to let it go is to admit what has been happening all along. That we have been fed a lie that made us sick. And we kept going back for more. No one wants to see truth like that, and yet it's the way forward. It's a little like gambling. The more we lose, the more we invest, against all reason and evidence. Instead of money at stake, it's our lives, but we do it even so, even though we know... the house always wins.

Words of encouragement. This is a grieving process, with all the stages like any other. Grief gets easier. It never goes away, but time is kind, and it will be kind to you about this. Don't worry so much. You and your family are still here. You are safe, you are loved, and you are doing fantastically well

[p123]

Its tough. I'm not NC with my Dad but sometimes I wish I was.

I went years getting upset/angry because it does feel like I've lost him. Every single visit now is not great. We have no real relationship because of how he is.
You may have seen - we went out for a meal boxing day and, once again, he treated me badly. I was so upset that he couldn't even behave for one day.

But glad you're life is better for going NC. It must be working for you, I'd say.  I thin what you're doing is right based on this - I'm trying to get my head around it. Its sad but if you're better for going NC then thats the way it has to be.

All the best going forward...

[Orangecounty]

It's a hard thing to come to terms with. I've known for several years and I still struggle accepting the exact same things, that my mom is incapable of truly loving me unconditionally and that she's too ill to even see that. So I wish I could say it gets easier but at least for myself, I think I'll always feel kind of cheated of that relationship. On a more positive note, I do try and focus on the relationships that I do have that are loving and people who are there for me unconditionally. That can help a lot.

[p123]

It's a hard thing to come to terms with. I've known for several years and I still struggle accepting the exact same things, that my mom is incapable of truly loving me unconditionally and that she's too ill to even see that. So I wish I could say it gets easier but at least for myself, I think I'll always feel kind of cheated of that relationship. On a more positive note, I do try and focus on the relationships that I do have that are loving and people who are there for me unconditionally. That can help a lot.

Oh yes I've grieved the last year or two. I've realised my Dad was always like this to a certain extent but as hes got older hes "gone". There is very little, if any, thought about anyone else any more. He is 100% focused on what he needs and what he wants and does not care or even see anyone else.

It really saddens me. Its become like a chore or duty to do anything for him. I dread visiting and I dread speaking to him.

I envisaged us doing things together. Me taking him away for trips to watch cricket or horse racing. Now hes just such a complete moaning old git I cant do it.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi windchime,

I am over a decade into NC.

My take on what you wrote, as I struggle to live life without a mother, is that life for us, will never look the way we thought it might and we are constantly reminded of the 'stuff' we wanted and couldn't have due to maternal PD. All I need to do is go out to any public place or turn on the tv and bam there is a depiction and reminder of a mother daughter relationship that exists, when mine does not. And never will.

I also had a long period at the beginning of grieving that involved accepting that she was never wired that way. Like you said. And that it had nothing to do with me.

What comes to mind for me as I read your post, is the work I had to do to learn or rather unlearn what she taught me about selfish. As a selfish self absorbed woman her inability to take care of my needs made me resent anyone who is being "selfish", including myself. She taught me a completely wrong definition and understanding of self care. If I put my needs first, I am being like her. That was a block to recovery because to recover I do need to give myself a lot of time and attention.

Truly it was as if she had taught me that 2 plus 2 is 5 and my brain took a long time to learn that 2 plus 2 is never 5. Kids without PD moms never got told that 2 plus 2 is 5. In other words, kids without PD moms were taught that their needs matter. They never endured decades of relationship with someone who held all these negative damaging beliefs about people and delusional beliefs about themselves.

Replacing the old beliefs about her with the truth was an important step and it sounds like you are doing well with that (emotionally wrenching) process.

My mother is so disordered that she would tell me something untrue and then contradict herself 3 times in the span of 30 minutes. What that does to a child is hard to really measure and slow to undo but it can be done. As a child of course I had no idea which of her statements and her beliefs were untrue. It is in adulthood that we realize the disorder was there the whole time and we were exposed to wrong information about ourselves for years.

Your post makes me think you are also unpacking that and realizing what is true and what you need to thrive is support and counselling which I have benefited greatly from too. Even a non trauma informed counsellor will be able to confirm that your needs matter and that your goals are important.

I will say in my opinion and experience that trauma informed therapists will understand the emotional process of being the survivor of PD parenting and non trauma informed counsellors may not understand the role that grief is playing in your process. I had to fire a few therapists along the way. Keep at it and find one that understands your experiences.

I read an article on Pete Walkers website recently and he wrote about how people who have endured parental neglect, can develop emotional awareness and sensitivity and insight that goes well beyond the average or norm, because we have been through something that makes us value things like kindness, honesty, respect, etc and we seek deeper experiences than a lot of folks who grew up with typical parents who kept things stable enough. They are often called the good enough parent. Those folks who have and had "good enough" parenting can easily enjoy holidays and birthdays as adults, visiting their family members. And in my experience they do not understand why those of us with PD parents envy them because they have only ever known their experience.

As adults they meet up with their parents, share some conversation and a meal and then go back home to their lives. When I tried that with my PD parents, the meet up was alienating, damaging, depressing and anxiety inducing and left me miserable. Folks with good enough parents , non PDs, don't know what that is like.

I highly recommend the Pete Walker book on CPTSD as a companion to your counselling as he really lays out the language and process of learning what we need as survivors of PD parenting.

[Borntosurvive178]

Hi Windchime and all.
I'm also  new here. Not quite sure re the acronyms etc yet, so please forgive any rookie mistakes. My sis found this site, as we've had a few recent issues, even tho we are now mature women with adult children.
Our uNPDM is an elderly lady now, and our f has passed. As children we were impressed upon that it was our F with the problems. Bi-polar was one term often used by our uNPDM but essentially their relationship was co-dependant and hugely dysfunctional.
I was scapegoat one sis GC the other we think invisible child.
Our F left home twice to live with another woman. Possibly to receive affection not ever received from controlling M.
We are still all working through the levels of violence  witnessed from F, towards us and M.
Witnessing my eldest Sis being kicked in the body and head by F as a five year old a particular painful memory. Along with high levels of violence to M.
But she is a cold, spiteful, calculating and destructive force. She uses people to get her needs met, and  only has one friend from childhood that remains. But she is happy in her misery. Happy in her mocking tone, and put-downs. If you try to solve a problem for her, be it bill's, transport, ease of getting medical prescriptions etc at if the plan goes wrong, you are to blame!
Recently we have had some major  light-bulb moments, particularly how much she lies  and how these trip off the tongue.
History gets rewritten often. Facts get moved and changed, and she even has stated in the past I have  false memory syndrome!
Luckily my sis is due to her profession very self aware and reflective. We have managed to rebuild  our relationship that uNPD tried to destroy, by lying, splitting and controlling.
She has also fully arranged her own funeral, with music  readings and poems. So apparently we are to be controlled beyond her life. Then we won't even  mention the debacle of the will. I'm pretty certain she'll have some spoilers prepared!
We are slowly healing, supporting each other and using sincerity and transparency. We've found also an artistic way of expression which helps too.
But it's a long slow road, but with this support and such a valuable resource for us as survivors, we will recover, and move forwards for the better!
Wishing you all a Happy and Healthy New Year, and keep sharing, as it will keep me sane!

[whensday]

Hi Windchime! I'm new here as well.  Welcome and congratulations - for going NC, and for deciding to go to therapy and work on you!

I've also been grieving the relationships I'll never have with both of my parents, and the loss of hope for these relationships.  There are several threads that talk about the grieving process that the children of PD's go through.  A big takeaway from reading through some of these was that the grieving process isn't linear, and it's unique for everyone.  Your feelings are valid, feel them!  Feel them without judgement of yourself and be kind to yourself.  Give yourself the love you didn't receive from your mom.  I've started this "self-parenting" and wow!  It's something that sounds so simple and almost silly but it's so healing!  It's like all the hope, anger, resentment etc I was holding onto for my parents I was able to reclaim, take that energy and give it back to myself in a loving way.  This feeling is more gratifying that anything I've ever gotten from my parents, and that fact helps me to deal with the grief also.

A second realization I've had is Just because my support system doesn't include my parents doesn't mean I don't have family.  In many ways I've found some of the loss very freeing; instead of fighting, waiting and hoping for a relationship dynamic to be what I want, I get to choose who my family is. Wishing and hoping and comparing my parent relationship with those of others only brought me high anxiety.  The relationships I have that are supportive, validating and healthy, those people are my family. 
The more I think of it this way, the less I compare when I see others' relationships with their families.  Just because I'm not blood-related with my family members doesn't make those relationships less valid or less important.   

The second thing that is so difficult is accepting that my mom is incapable of loving me the way I need it. She is only capable of loving those she gains material things from and although it is freeing to know that it isn't me that is unlovable, it is still so hard to know that she is wired this way.

Acknowledging all of this is huge. One thing that came up in therapy for me is yes, mom is wired this way, but it's also not her fault she's this way.  The emotional abuse really isn't intentional, it's a byproduct of the disorder.  At least for my parents, I know that their parents were also abusive and it was learned/inherited behavior.  Being able to have compassion for my parents and what their childhoods must have been like has led me to a more accepting place. 

Treesgrowslowly, thank you for this point;

I read an article on Pete Walkers website recently and he wrote about how people who have endured parental neglect, can develop emotional awareness and sensitivity and insight that goes well beyond the average or norm, because we have been through something that makes us value things like kindness, honesty, respect, etc and we seek deeper experiences than a lot of folks who grew up with typical parents who kept things stable enough. They are often called the good enough parent. Those folks who have and had "good enough" parenting can easily enjoy holidays and birthdays as adults, visiting their family members. And in my experience they do not understand why those of us with PD parents envy them because they have only ever known their experience.

I love this, and I feel it's so so true.  It's another example of something negative turning into something positive. 

You've gained positive things from losing negative ones   All my best to you in this healing journey!