Triggers

[Akari]

I'm pondering a post I just saw on Reddit and wanted to ask what you guys thought.

The topic was about emotional triggers from past trauma and someone stated it was a narc trait if a person asked another person to stop doing something because it bothered them by bringing up past trauma. So if someone in a relationship explains to their spouse that  because their last partner emotionally cheated on them online for years and it makes them uncomfortable when they have private convos with ppl of the opposite sex online. Asking if they could tone it down a bit. Does that mean the person asking them to tone it down is a narc?

[Jsinjin]

Not really sure on that one.    I think that past traumas are absolutely real and have huge impact.    In many cases real traumas impact a person in ways that only a trained therapist or psychiatrist can help to unravel and cope with.   On one hand I think it shows maturity to tell your significant other that you face a trauma related experience.   I could also see that a person with PD traits could use the impact or hook of trauma as a means to provide a measure of control with their significant other.

An example would be someone who was physically or emotionally abused who asked their partner to not raise their voice as a genuine request because of the past trauma and that request comes from an understanding of their own reactions to someone raising their voice even if an argument with their spouse is in the midst of strong stresses.      That would not be a PD trait in my opinion.   

But I could see a PD wanting to control the actions  of their life and home consistently bringing up the Spectre of abuse as a means to avoid intimacy, maintain a codependency and otherwise manipulate the affections and emotions of their partner.    The PD may not even have a specific plan to do this, the manipulation simply works for them in control.

I'm not a therapist at all so my thoughts on this are only surmising and empirical observations.    Still I don't think that the effects of trauma are necessarily PD traits.

[NumbLotus]

 

There are reasonable requests. I know someone who does not like to be called by the full form of her name, since her abuser would yell it at her. She uses a nickname only. People can ask, please don't sneak up behind me. Please don't rub my back or shoulders. Please don't yell. Please don't slam the door. Please let me sit facing the door in a restaurant.

There are requests that are not reasonable but controlling. Don't go out with friends. Arrange the refrigerator exactly as I demand. Don't have an emotion. Don't discuss problems with me. Don't have needs of your own. Don't wear makeup to work. Don't have a beer with your buddies.

[Jsinjin]

Better said than my rambling statement in the info above.

[clara]

Also I think the frequency of the requests could signal a red flag--where the other person is always coming up with something they don't like you doing/would prefer you do in a different way, etc.  In those instances, what can start as normal sounding requests with good reasoning behind them begin to accelerate when you show a willingness to accommodate.  Then it becomes and one more thing.

[1footouttadefog]

I think it depends. 

If the requested is genuinely asking because it causes them discomfort of trauma it's not a narc thing to do.

However it alot of things are being requested due to past trauma and it seems there is a control aspect to most of them then it's likely a pd thing going on.

If I ever date again and find myself being triggered about many things, it might indicate I need to work on me a while longer before getting serious about a new relationship.

There is one thing that I will not allow in a future relationship and o will make it clear up front it's a deal breaker.  I don't think this is narcissisit, bit rather a dynamic of who I am.  I will understand it it's an issue for the other and will write it off as a mismatch.

[MamaDryad]

Narcissists use whatever tools they have on hand to maintain control. They also use our best qualities against us.

So if they know they're dealing with someone who wants to be sensitive and kind, they'll use that as a tool like any other. That doesn't make boundaries or requests around past trauma a narc thing per se.

[PeanutButter]

ime When we realize we are reacting to emotional triggers from past trauma and not present behavior, the way to deal with that is inner work. We dont want to change someones else period, IMO (AND FROM TOOLBOX) even if  they trigger us. We want to work on sitting with/ accepting what we are feeling and working through that. We can learn coping skills. Loving people in our life can surely help. But internal work on our thoughts, emotions, and reactions, in other words not external control of other peoples behaviors is a healthier way of dealing with our own stuff, even when we are triggered.

[athene1399]

Maybe it can be a narc thing if they expect the other person to change for them. However, i see nothing wrong with saying to someone, "I'm uncomfortable when you raise your hands quickly. please try not to do it when you are close to my personal space." And with some things (IMO) i feel you can compromise. Like my SO is uncomfortable if he doesn't know where i am. If I am leaving the office late, he just wants to know. Otherwise he assumes I died. Some of that is stuff he has to work on, but we talked about it and I said I can send a text if I'm going to be late. And 5 min late is fine. if it's more than 20 min he would like to know. However, if he wanted me texting every hour or something, that's a completely different story. So maybe it depends on how reasonable the request is, how many there are, if they are wiling to compromise, and it's something they are trying to do inner work on. 

But this is also my opinion on the matter.

[Hazy111]

Narcissists use whatever tools they have on hand to maintain control. They also use our best qualities against us.

So if they know they're dealing with someone who wants to be sensitive and kind, they'll use that as a tool like any other. That doesn't make boundaries or requests around past trauma a narc thing per se.

Good. I was just about to post about this precise behavior .