I can't forgive myself!!

mimzy · December 30, 2019, 04:19:13 PM

I had a bad last day at work before I went on maternity leave. The long version you can read here: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=82204.0

The short version is that I was extremely stressed on my last day at work due to hormone levels and being 8 months pregnant, and trying to wrap everything up. (not that that's an excuse). I was also led to believe that my manager lied to me about something that negatively impacted my pay. I wasn't going to bring it up with her but then, during a surprise shower that my colleagues threw in my honor, I was triggered by a negative response she gave me about a different topic. I raised my voice, accused her of lying to me and then excused myself. I ended up going to HR and told them how frustrated I was that she might have lied to me. Turns out, my manager might not have lied (I don't know who to believe) and I ended up looking like a crazy pregnant lady who looked a gift horse in the mouth - my shower.

It's been nearly two months since this happened. I've had the baby and I'm still dealing with hormones and feelings. I guess that's all part of why I'm feeling terrible. That and I'm so used to being shamed by my UBPD Mother and Enabling father that this is such a big deal to me! I think I need to do something in order to not be excommunicated from the tribe, so to speak. So I wrote an email to my manager admitting my part and she responded Happy Holidays so I'm not sure if water is really under the bridge. I just opened my baby shower cards from the work event today (I didn't want to open them until now.... didn't want to be triggered by shame) and a check fell out that my colleagues had contributed to. In a panic, I began putting together a thank you note via email... not knowing all the email addresses by heart. I ended up contacting a colleague asking her to forward a thank you note on my behalf to all the kind folks who signed the card. She said she would be happy to. I'm still so sad about all this.

I am having such a hard time letting this go. I made the mistake of going on a baby center forum while I was still in the hospital recovering from a C section explaining what happened and asked moms if they had any "bad last day stories" to share. None of them had any similar stories to contribute but several of them did judge me for my "poor behavior". I don't know why I even bothered to go on that site. It's not where I will find gentle advice and feedback.

I've started looking for a new job - partly because I need to find something closer to where I live to enable me to drop/pick up the baby at daycare and get to work on time. But I know the other part is because I want to run away. I've made up my mind that what I did was so, so terrible that I need to run away. I know this is pride in reverse - as my 12 step program lit would say - but knowing that isn't helping me!! My husband says when I go back I will feel stronger and I can make a living amends to my colleagues by being the way I normally am - a worker among workers and kind. But there is a part of me, I guess the inner child in me, that thinks it's too late.

If I had to do it over again, I would have just called in sick that day. It would have avoided so many issues. Does anyone out there have any advice to offer? I am so terrified of being shamed when I go back...

Thank you.

NumbLotus · December 30, 2019, 06:06:59 PM

Hi,

Baby Center is NOT a supportive place, lol. One lady there told me I shouldn't have had a child because I have a disability. Whoooo. It's 14 years later and somehow I managed but I guess I won't forget that one.

You deserve to give yourself compassion, and we are all allowed to make mistakes, fix them, and move on. You can do this.

Latchkey · December 30, 2019, 09:32:09 PM

Hi mimzy,
I read back through your post and don't know a whole lot about your situation but I am thinking you are justified in feeling worried about returning to that environment. I'm wondering if you are able to see a therapist and if you've ever looked into CPTSD symptoms. I know for me learning about the different reactions fight/flight/fawn etc helped me to understand why I react in certain ways to situations, especially gaslighting in the workplace like you describe.

CPTSD Description http://outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/CPTSD.html
The 4Fs: A Trauma Typology in Complex PTSD
By Pete Walker
http://pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm

As a mom of 3, I've done a number of different things post baby. When my eldest, now almost 23, was born, my boss laughed at me when I asked to work from home so I went back very part time in a different position and worked back into full time. By my 3rd, DS8, I was able to bring my DS to work with me for 8 months.
These days many companies offer work from home (even yours apparently!) before and after baby so your request was by no means crazy.
I would recommend taking it easy and easing back into work and carry on as if nothing happened those last days. It's fine to look for new work as well but it's less stressful to look for work if you have a job already -- unless that job is super toxic. Basically, if you can not afford not to work then go back and get an exit plan in place.
Congratulations on the little one and hope you are all doing well.
Latchkey

PeanutButter · January 01, 2020, 11:50:55 AM

I read the long version. I am unsettled to hear that your supervisor grabbed you. This is beyond unprofessional. I would be afraid of a supervisor so 'reactive'/'contolling'.
Bottom line i think you did not do anything wrong. You have nothing to be ashamed of ime. Please forgive yourself for handling a confusing/manipulative incident in a way that you wish you hadn't. Take away a lesson on how you will do it different next time. Then imo try to forget about it. Go back with your head high! Be a grey rock to your supervisor. Medium chill anyone who speaks of the incident.
CONGRATULATIONS! on your little miracle.

mimzy · January 01, 2020, 02:58:41 PM

Quote from: NumbLotus on December 30, 2019, 06:06:59 PM
Hi,

Baby Center is NOT a supportive place, lol. One lady there told me I shouldn't have had a child because I have a disability. Whoooo. It's 14 years later and somehow I managed but I guess I won't forget that one.

OMG. I'm so glad I closed my account there. That's so, so hurtful.

Quote from: NumbLotus on December 30, 2019, 06:06:59 PMYou deserve to give yourself compassion, and we are all allowed to make mistakes, fix them, and move on. You can do this.

Thank you.

mimzy · January 01, 2020, 03:04:07 PM

Quote from: Latchkey on December 30, 2019, 09:32:09 PM
Hi mimzy,
I read back through your post and don't know a whole lot about your situation but I am thinking you are justified in feeling worried about returning to that environment. I'm wondering if you are able to see a therapist and if you've ever looked into CPTSD symptoms. I know for me learning about the different reactions fight/flight/fawn etc helped me to understand why I react in certain ways to situations, especially gaslighting in the workplace like you describe.

CPTSD Description http://outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/CPTSD.html

Hi - Yes I'm seeing a therapist. We are mainly focusing on where my FOO and employer interject and get all twisted. I suppose gaslighting is a part of that. Yes - I've looked into CPTSD symptoms - including the one you posted about above. It all sounds like what I was going through that day at work. I don't know if I was projecting that people would feel "abandoned" with me leaving and hold it against me - as is what my mother would do - or that I needed to leave everything perfectly in order to "deserve" maternity leave, which is related to my performance, something my parents, especially my father would hold over my head. Normally, I can use tools to "minimize" the emotional flashbacks, I.e. say to myself "I am having an emotional flashback. It's not real." That day I just couldn't! I was so off the beam.
The 4Fs: A Trauma Typology in Complex PTSD
By Pete Walker
http://pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm

As a mom of 3, I've done a number of different things post baby. When my eldest, now almost 23, was born, my boss laughed at me when I asked to work from home so I went back very part time in a different position and worked back into full time. By my 3rd, DS8, I was able to bring my DS to work with me for 8 months.
These days many companies offer work from home (even yours apparently!) before and after baby so your request was by no means crazy.
I would recommend taking it easy and easing back into work and carry on as if nothing happened those last days. It's fine to look for new work as well but it's less stressful to look for work if you have a job already -- unless that job is super toxic. Basically, if you can not afford not to work then go back and get an exit plan in place.
Congratulations on the little one and hope you are all doing well.
Latchkey

mimzy · January 01, 2020, 03:07:01 PM

Quote from: PeanutButter on January 01, 2020, 11:50:55 AM
I read the long version. I am unsettled to hear that your supervisor grabbed you. This is beyond unprofessional. I would be afraid of a supervisor so 'reactive'/'contolling'.
Bottom line i think you did not do anything wrong. You have nothing to be ashamed of ime. Please forgive yourself for handling a confusing/manipulative incident in a way that you wish you hadn't. Take away a lesson on how you will do it different next time. Then imo try to forget about it. Go back with your head high! Be a grey rock to your supervisor. Medium chill anyone who speaks of the incident.
CONGRATULATIONS! on your little miracle.

Thank you for your well wishes. And thank you for your support. I will aim to take your pearls of wisdom to heart... I think part of the issue is that I'm looking at my colleagues as if they are my "family" - even though I don't really believe that. My relationships with my FOO and employer always gets twisted.