"How To Kill A Narcissist" by J.H. Simon

[wingspan]

Full title: "How To Kill A Narcissist: Debunking The Myth Of Narcissism And Recovering From Narcissistic Abuse", by J.H. Simon
ISBN-10: 1520117671; ISBN-13: 978-1520117676

I've just finished reading this book - I read it in 24 hours because it's a) an "easy" read with no jargon and clear language, and b) I was ready for it.

I'm recommending this book because the author explains how the shame - grandeur/grandiosity spectrum works. All this time I didn't understand how to "stop" feeling shame, and this book helped me understand that shame is a normal and healthy feeling that helps us keep our grandeur "in check". It is there so that all of us can feel big and special, but remain humble and not step over each other.

The book then explains how narcissists use this normal exchange, by sucking up all the grandeur (turning it into grandiosity) and leaving the target with only feelings of shame, or if perpetuated, toxic shame.

The author also offers practices for healing, with the two primary ones being finding (healthy) allies and learning to connect with your true self.

The book is not addressing CPTSD (the author is clear about this being beyond the scope of this book), nor does it dive deeply into the grief associated with coming Out of the FOG.

However, I find it explains how N works at its core extremely well and in so offers clarity around something that is otherwise so hard to understand and grasp.

[Hattie]

Thanks. Sounds interesting. "Healing the Shame that Binds You" also describes this dynamic. Does the author put forward some remedies for shame resulting from an Nparent's treatment?

[wingspan]

"Does the author put forward some remedies for shame resulting from an Nparent's treatment?"

Yes, there is a brief section on obstacles (fear, guilt, enmeshment, and others), but the focus is on seven practices for creating experiences that oppose / reverse the damage done by narcissism, and some additional advice.

The practices include (in order of priority):
1) Get allies
2) Unleash your true self (with suggestions on how to give your feelings / true self form and learning to be with your true self)
    Practices 1 + 2 are the key practices to strengthen the true self

3) Skill up - find safe and fun new things to learn to build confidence and trust in self
4) Flex your muscles - learn to assert yourself and be your true self "in the open", which is grand and without any shame and beautiful and contributes to the world
5) Even the scale - recognize how Narc's keep you in unbalanced relationships and learn how to change those patterns
6) Boundaries - practices 1 + 2 are designed to help strengthen the true self; now it's time to protect that true self by setting boundaries (with guidance on how Narc's undermine boundaries)
7) Scorched earth - starve the Narc's power over you by removing your emotional connection from them. The tool is to use contempt: view yourself as a person of integrity who is disapproving of the Narc's behaviour. You raise the bar and they don't live up to your standards; end the game and drama and resist getting pulled back in - by the buzzkill.

Additional advice includes refusing to take the bait and don't engage in the "blame game" (especially as we become aware and process our anger) - there is NO point whatsoever to "stand up" to the Narc, as our emotional engagement will only empower them. Instead, put all your energy into your own empowerment.

[djcleo]

I just wanted to thank you all for your contributions here. I will be reading this book. Your outlines show me this is exactly the book I need. I intend to come back and discuss further.

[Sapling]

I just finished reading this book and found it really gave me fresh hope about how to move forward and live well after dealing with Ns. It explained the dynamic between Ns and their targets, and ultimately brought the focus back to the non and what we can do to work on our own lives. Thank you for this recommendation wingspan.