Technology and N parents

[Associate of Daniel]

I am so frustrated and stressed about this.  I've been close to tears all day.

Ds is resisting so much each time I try to set a boundry with the phone.

The ironic thing is that he's hardly using it.  The pds have set it so that he can't play games on it, unlike the one I provided for him.

It's holidays here though, so he's using the phones  more than usual.

I thought today that this might be another thing I have to let go for the sake of my relationship with ds.

He is quite responsible.  In fact today the child restrictions that the pds set on his phone somehow switched off.  He immediately contacted them to reset them and he told me.  Of course, I don't have the security code so I can't do anything about it. The irony is blinding.  They'll probably blame me...

Anyway, just like I've had to let him go and live with the pds, I think I might have to give in on this one too, and hopefully our relationship will last a little longer.

I am going to insist on the location services being turned off and when not in use the phone will be turned off.

I think the timing of this is part of the problem.

I'm not really coping with having to hand ds over to the pds next week and all I can see is him drinking the uNPD smum's koolaid and him soon going NC with me as a result.

I've struggled for over 7 years with being denied the chance to be a proper mum and now it's being completely ripped away from me.

She'll be helping him with homework. She'll be doing his laundry. She'll be taking him to medical appointments. She's already all over his sport (she's team manager and coach.)

His uNPD father gladly lets her do it all. She does it to make herself look good to everyone else.

Thank-you for all of your support and advice. I'm so frustrated that I can't seem to act upon it. I guess I'm weak.  I just don't have it in me to fight the uNPDs on it and I can't bear the conflict with ds.

I need time to grieve.

AOD

[NumbLotus]

 

You're allowed to choose what's worth fighting over and this is definitely not a hill you need to die on.

[hhaw]

AOD:

Maybe the sm will blab enough to create a defensive reaction in your ds.  For you.

Particularly if you remain steady, consistent non judgmental mom........ and don't make ds feel he has to defend sm and pdf he'll develop a stronger sense of self and who you are through the PD's skewed lense.

I know there's fear, but what I don't want to see is the PDs provoke you into speaking and acting in ways that create defensiveness in son where there wasn't going to be any.

The PDs have a knack for pushing our buttons, then we react without thinking it through... we sabotage ourselves.

Don't let them drive you to that dark place, AOD. 

If ds takes a sip of the kool aid and brings it up.... ask him what he thinks about that statement.  Then let him think about it and speak honestly.  I think your ds will see the kool aid for what it is.  If not instantly... when you hold yourself with poise and calm, and the PDs don't. 

[mamato3]

I need time to grieve.

AOD

Will he be with you every weekend? You will have time still to be his mom. She's not you. She will never be you.

[athene1399]

  I am so sorry, Aod.  I don't think you are weak at all. I think you are a strong woman. You are reassessing the situation. It takes a strong person to realize the things you are discussing. You know this is a difficult situation for you and that may be affecting how you are feeling and reacting to the N-phone. You are also assessing how much he uses it, and if it really is an issue in your home or not. There's nothing weak about any of that. I feel it takes a lot of strength to let something go, especially if it is something you are uncomfortable with. And if you want to keep any boundaries on the phone, then do so. Especially with the GPS since that seems to be what you are worried about most. Or start there and add more limits to the phone if needed. If he doesn't use it after break, then it may not be an issue at all.

You will always be DS's mom no matter where he lives.