The common denominator in all your failed relationships is you

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'm getting this message a lot lately. I'm NC with FOO, ILs, and I've had trouble with a neighbor whom I haven't spoken with for months now. Individually I don't have any regrets, but the sheer number of people I've cut out of my life in a relatively short time does give one pause.

I'm feeling judged by some people I consider friends. Some of this is I believe them putting their own stuff on me. They just pushed through a another holiday with their "difficult" family members and they see me as taking the cowardly way out/want to feel better about themselves. Each incidence I can deal with, but again it's the number of them that's wearing on me right now. Kind of a variation on I feel like I must be the crazy one. Because all these other people seem to think so and I haven't completely shed the people pleasing habit yet.

But on the other hand, I have a good number of very good relationships in my life. I can participate in mutual relationships very well. The people I've cut off I never chose to be in my life in the first place. And all you people say they were psychotic lol.

Anybody relate to this self doubting feeling? But it's not really self-doubt, because I'm not wavering in my decisions here, maybe just uncomfortable about how other people are seeing me and I still care about that.

I did speak back in an assertive but kind way when I had the opportunity, by the way. Didn't change their mind that I could tell but they apologized for crossing a line on stuff that was not their business. But I'm still thinking about it. Blah.

[GettingOOTF]

I struggled with this too. When I left my BPDxH and had some time and space (and therapy) I started to see how I was surrounded by "friends" who treated me badly. I slowly ended all those friendships.

I did get to a point where I thought it was me and that I was the unreasonable one. What I came to see, and what I think I is the spirit behind "the common denominator is you", is that the common denominator was me but that I had an  usually high threshold for abuse. I developed this threshold growing up the scapegoat in an dysfunctional family with addiction issues and abuse.

Once I developed a little bit of self esteem, self worth and understanding of abuse my tolerance changed and with that the people I let into my life.

I am still the common denominator in all my relationships but my relationships now are supportive, loving and healthy.

I am a firm believer that I am responsible for where I am and I work hard on understanding what happened to me to make me make the choices I did/do.  I feel like for most of my life I've given others too much power over me and I'm taking that back now.

I think seeing that people are putting their own stuff on to you is very insightful. It's one of the first steps in working towards not letting these things break you. I know that people think I took the cowardly way out too with NC with my FOO but I think a lot of that has to do with them not wanting to face their own issues and seeing me make these changes highlights how stuck they are.

[freedom77]

 
I encountered the same. I feel that as abused persons, beginning in infancy, trying to grow up in a dysfunctional environment, we became desensitized to what unhealthy constitutes. And as such, we gravitated toward abusers thru out our lives. And, just as important, THEY gravitated toward US. Abusive types can smell a potential victim from miles away...
Just like you, I questioned if maybe it was me. I gas lighted myself lol. I even had a "friend" I had recently argued with, bluntly point out that "no wonder you have so many problems with people", insinuating that I'm the bad guy in the scenarios I was dealing with at the time.
Took me a minute to realize, while flawed, I was in fact, not the bad guy, but rather was surrounded by bad guys. 
And yes, even typically nice folk will envy your strength to leave toxic situations, and secretly wish they could too!!

[Fuzzydog]

I get a bit sick of hearing that, too. What people don't (and often simply refuse to) understand is that all those toxic relationships developed because they were right in our comfort zone. We know how to do those, they are familiar. When we become brave enough, strong enough, desperate enough to step away, there are always those that will dislike us for it, often because they weren't. My oldest sister is one such. I hated losing her, we were allies, but she decided, instead of following through on her long-held wishes of going NC, to vilify me for doing so.

I have little sympathy for those who are so proud of themselves for "toughing out" the holidays with hostile and abusive families. I enjoy my holidays now.
Go figure.

[StayWithMe]

Anybody relate to this self doubting feeling? But it's not really self-doubt, because I'm not wavering in my decisions here, maybe just uncomfortable about how other people are seeing me and I still care about that.

that's the way I feel.  but everyone wants to appear an expert in pop psychology with these trite statements.  Well they won't be hearing these things from me again.

IMO, to sort out problems, one needs to dig deeper.  Yes, I am the main character in all these acts but there is so much going on. It's not wise to overlook these other details. Not to mention the fact, that once you accuse someone of being the problem, that is hardly helping in finding a solution.

[Mintstripes]

I think that’s classic victim blaming. As others have said, we were conditioned to expect abuse and dysfunction and therefore went along with situations and relationships that weren’t good for us. There is so much I won’t put up with now and I have lovely, safe friendships from years ago as well as some new friends and good rapports at work. I won’t let my abusive NC FOO and exPD spouse trick me into thinking I’m the problem.

Also, just to add, I think self-reflection is wonderful and necessary, and usually something that PDs don’t engage in.

[awarealivesurvivor]

In your post, you are addressing the form of "it must be you" response, which I categorize under the "see no evil" responses that come to anyone that wants to speak about what they are going through.  You open up to talk with people about what you are experiencing with a family member(s), that is the healthy thing to do and really is the only way for a person to wrap their mind around  what is happening and come to solutions on how to deal with the narcissistic person(s).  But when you speak to people, their way of looking at you, their discounting responses, and just generally denying they have any concept of what it is like, can be devastating.......isolating.

Several years ago, when I tried being a part of a church, I came to the conclusion that they were all living in lala land.  It's where they want you to be too.  Them:  "[Don't discuss issues.  Be happy.  It's you.  Not anyone else.  You are the problem.  See, everyone else is happy.  You are the only one pointing out that there is an issue.  Smile.  Be happy.  Close your eyes.]"  Me.  "Nope, I belong in the group where our eyes are open and I won't be silenced.  I won't be fooled anymore.  IT'S NOT ME.  The world is full of evil, narcissistic, unhealthy people".

The most difficult thing is realizing that the sane, healthy people are very few.  The majority of people that try to make you think it is only you, are playing a game on you.  It's crazy.  What is ludicrous is that the very ones (usually women) that will say things like "Well, if it was that bad, why didn't she leave?" are the same ones that didn't and wouldn't listen to the woman when she needed to talk about what was happening to her.  That last statement is in regards to women with an abusive husband situation--very difficult on those women to find support.

Anyways, I better end.  I could rant on forever.  You hit on a point that resonated with me.  It's not YOU.  You are the brave one, and they can see it.  They don't have the guts to address the issues outright.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Thanks everybody for your supportive and insightful messages. And sorry so many of you have heard similar! If the problem is me, I must be able to fix it, right? And the world can be as it should be, without any reason for the observer to reflect on their own relationships.

I have little sympathy for those who are so proud of themselves for "toughing out" the holidays with hostile and abusive families. I enjoy my holidays now.
Go figure.

I laughed out loud at this! That used to be me. And I see it in at least one person in my life. I was always challenging myself to be more "charitable," and perversely proud that I could take it. Honestly I was just like my martyr of a mother, but didn't expect anyone to praise me for it or any return at all, other than surviving until the next round.

[StayWithMe]

A vairation on this theme is "you've had this problem before."  anyone who says that to you is keeping tabs on you and not someone you should confide in.

[helpneeded]

"If you think you're depressed or have low self esteem, first check to make sure that you are not, in fact, surrounded by assholes." -- not sure who said this, but I think it applies here!

I have thought the "common denominator" thing about people, but always they were PDs who -- because PD! -- had no healthy relationships.

The other thing is, I've read that if you've had a PD parent and haven't figured it out and worked it out, you're going to keep running into PDs until you put the puzzle together.

[helpneeded]

That last line of above wasn't directed at you, Cordelia, just an observation. You've already puzzled it out! Another observation is that, one get attuned to recognizing toxic and difficult people, and with strength and better boundaries, refuse to tolerate. That's basically where I think you are.

[Pepin]

I have felt this way a lot....especially lately as I am soon to be an empty nester.  What I have realized is that YES I am indeed the common denominator with my large number of discards.  But....at least I was able to be able to discard.  Some took a while and some were fast.  It all came down to understanding and setting boundaries that were right for me.

Anyone that questions your stance with regards to boundaries you have enacted, is trying to shake you out of your boundaries because they are uncomfortable with not being able to set them for themself.  That is their problem and not yours.  You are responsible for you and they are responsible for them.  Period.   

[Orangeblossom77]

It was you choosing to go NC, I think with the "common denominator in all your failed relationships is you" stuff that would mean others choosing to go NC with you.

The very fact that is you doing it rather than others needing escaping you, is the difference as well. Kind thoughts, it is not easy when others don't understand. I wonder if at times there is maybe a little envy there "We have to put up with it but you don't"

I am thinking having more space and time or good friends is a nice thing for the New Year. To focus on positive chosen friends, maybe an old one I have not seen in ages.

[FogDawg]

The most difficult thing is realizing that the sane, healthy people are very few.  The majority of people that try to make you think it is only you, are playing a game on you.  It's crazy.

Perfectly said. People like that are so delusional that they can convince themselves of anything and believe that through repetition they can get others to eat and enjoy a shit sandwich as well. Just because something is said ad nauseum does not make it true. Walking away from a war that cannot be won does not make one a coward - it shows intelligence and an understanding that many could never hope to possess.