Is their apology genuine?

[Speedoflight]

In summary: I've been divorced from my NPD ex husband for 10 years.  He was and is very controlling- financial, emotional and some physical abuse towards me during the marriage, and to our children during and after the marriage- more towards our youngest child (I've posted about this situation previously on the co-parenting board). Youngest child has not seen their dad for several years (their choice), eldest child, now 18 still sticks to the 50/50 residency agreement ( they are very much the golden child). He  also had several affairs and is still in a relationship with the last OW- although they've never married and don't live together.

Ex has spent the last ten years fulfilling his promise to me that if I dared leave him, he'd run my name through the mud, that I wouldn't see a penny of our savings, that I'd lose the children- sadly all the usual stuff which many of  you here have gone through. This has had a huge impact on my well being- I've lost people who thought were good friends, I've heard the most awful gossip repeated about me, and I've only just got my finances more or less on track. I find it hard to trust people now and tend to keep potential new friends at arms length.
Anyway, to get to the point- just before Christmas, eldest child handed me an envelope from ExH. To be honest, I didn't open it until yesterday because I was so anxious about what it would say- I expected it to be some bad news about financial support or something.  However, it wasn't.  It was an apology letter. Saying that he knows he was a bad husband, and a bad father, and he was in a bad place at the time and now that he has sorted his life out he regrets what he did.  He doesn't name anything specifically, it's all quite vague. There was also a letter for youngest child- no apology in that letter, though, for the physical violence towards them (hitting, pushing, etc) or the emotional abuse. Just about missing them, and hoping life is good for them, etc.
Thing is, in many ways, I have, if not quite forgiven, come to terms with what happened in the past, and made my peace with it all. To some extent- I find it harder to forgive what he did to our youngest child and how he and his girlfriend still try to manipulate eldest child. But I'd never expected an apology, and so to get this out of the blue has thrown me a bit. 
I don't know what to do.  Have any of you had a similar  experience? Do you think your PD person meant their apology- and if so, did they show that to be the case by their ongoing actions and behaviour? What did you do in response- did you write back, or leave it, or something else?
I'm not in a rush to respond to the letter, and in some ways don't feel obligated to. Its just unsettled me, and I'd really appreciate hearing others perspectives. 

[livedit]

Speedofilight been married over 40 yrs. Left once for a couple years. Ive gotten several of these types of letters. Of course they know there behavior was bad for you. They have moments of clairty too. It doesnt last long. I would not answer. In my situation it only make it worse. He wants to drawl you in for whatever reason
.mine didnt change until i used the things from the tool box. I keep to myself even here at home with him. But hell never change. He wants something. Be careful.

[clara]

If my uNPexh wrote me such a letter, my first inclination would be to wonder what brought it about?  Yes, they  have moments of clarity.  They know their behavior is bad.  But that doesn't mean they're going to change the behavior.  An apology doesn't equal change.  It would be one thing if they specified what they did wrong and then said they're going to work to never do it again, but that's not what was written.  True change means work, and being nonspecific and vague indicates no genuine work is being done.  Again, if I was to receive such a letter, I'd be waiting for the other shoe to drop, because it most likely will.  And if not, it still comes across as an attempt to  make himself feel better about himself.  You say he and his gf still try to manipulate your eldest.  What is he doing, as opposed to what he's saying (or writing)?

[Andeza]

In my personal experience, the apology is not so much an apology as it is "There, I've said I'm sorry, so can we please go back to the way things were? Change? Change is terrifying! I'm not changing!" That is my translation of my uBPDm. If you like, you can say to yourself, "Oh that's nice, but that ship has long since sailed," and carry on with your life. Just because he apologizes doesn't mean you need to speak to him, or see him, or have anything more to do with him than you have right now. And while we can forgive, it is not always safe to forget.

[GettingOOTF]

When my BPDxH tries these apologies I wonder what is going on in his life. I assume his girlfriend is being "difficult" and not giving him the attention he craves  or he has to take care of things I always took care off. I see it as a way for him to start back the drama and dysfunction he can't live without.

My therapist said that my exes reaching out is a threat. That it's his way of saying he can always get to me and control me, that I will never be free of him.

I never respond. No matter how contrite and genuine he may sound. I was married to him I know what he is truly like and I know he hasn't done the work to change. If he had he'd leave me alone.

Apologies like these are inherently self serving. If you truly know the damage you did and are truly sorry you'd leave the person you abused alone. It's not the victim's responsibility to make the abuser feel better about the abuse. This is intact simply a different form of abuse.

[Speedoflight]

Thanks everyone- really appreciate those replies. Lots of wise advice here. I think I'm going to just leave it, not reply and not give it much more thought.  I really don't want to open up correspondence again (which is what i am beginning to suspect may be behind this).

[MiniWheat]

They have moments of clairty too. It doesnt last long. I would not answer. In my situation it only make it worse.

Bingo! With my uPDm, I now call these "brief periods of lucidity." I used to look forward to them as a reward for sticking with the punishment and abuse and fighting my way through, to get a glimpse of the apology and love and acknowledgement I so desperately want/wanted.

True reconciliation takes a lot more than 1 vague apology. It would take that plus detail, plus steps to repair, plus time to show that they've actually changed. In my case, I have 0 hope that will ever happen with my PD FOO.

[GentleSoul]

Wise to decide not to reply.

My experience is that EVERYTHING they do is manipulation.

[Hazy111]

Unsurprisingly most peoples advice the same as they have now learnt the "narcissists playbook" and the classical "tactical apology" .

Your gut always knows the answer.

I got an "apology" letter from my Dad and i couldnt for the life of me know what was bugging me. It was the phrase "Im sorry IF i offended you". Bingo! When in the fog  i would have accepted it.

Now i know its the IF , that gives it all away. The IF means others might not have been offended, and its me that has the problem , not them. He just couldnt really say sorry, because he doesnt need to. He has nothing to be sorry for! Hes the King and im the subject.

[Groundhog Day]

As I'm reading each and everyone's reponse and past experience on genuine apologies, it brings me back to reality and cautiously will put my guards on high alert. I have received a call from N & BPDm today and she wants and needs my help in a matter. For once in 4 years she was able to keep a normal conservation without threats, screaming, blaming, accusations and so on. So I decided to take the opportunity to let her know that her excuse for behaving the way she does is because of my F's death 4 years ago. Then proceded to tell her that "we" lost a father and not long afterwards a mother since she went out of wack with her crazy demands. So we technically lost 2 parents at once. She once again blamed her depression.

I also told her that with all the mean things she said and did to us in the past and she has not apologize once and we are suppose to forgive and forget and pretend nothing happened?  Then, to my amazement, she apologized. My concern is, she never elaborated as to what she was apologizing to and immediately changed subject afterwards.    She is so good at manipulation it's unreal.

Yep, she needed something and I am the only one that can deliver.

PS: Hazy111, where can I read about the "N playbook and tactical apology?

[fish2019]

I noticed in the confession/apology from mine that he softened what he'd actually done by saying stuff like 'I guess some people would define it as cheating' shifted some of the blame onto others - including me. I'd say read between the lines. They're saying sorry, but what else are they saying. And also, what do they gain out of apologizing? See if there's something that would benefit them by doing that. Ultimately, I've learned the hard way recently that words don't mean anything, you have to look at their actions.

[GentleSoul]

Ultimately, I've learned the hard way recently that words don't mean anything, you have to look at their actions.

Sadly I have also learned this.  Words are just manipulations.  Consistent actions are the only thing to believe.   

All best wishes to you.

[Hazy111]

As I'm reading each and everyone's reponse and past experience on genuine apologies, it brings me back to reality and cautiously will put my guards on high alert. I have received a call from N & BPDm today and she wants and needs my help in a matter. For once in 4 years she was able to keep a normal conservation without threats, screaming, blaming, accusations and so on. So I decided to take the opportunity to let her know that her excuse for behaving the way she does is because of my F's death 4 years ago. Then proceded to tell her that "we" lost a father and not long afterwards a mother since she went out of wack with her crazy demands. So we technically lost 2 parents at once. She once again blamed her depression.

I also told her that with all the mean things she said and did to us in the past and she has not apologize once and we are suppose to forgive and forget and pretend nothing happened?  Then, to my amazement, she apologized. My concern is, she never elaborated as to what she was apologizing to and immediately changed subject afterwards.    She is so good at manipulation it's unreal.

Yep, she needed something and I am the only one that can deliver.

PS: Hazy111, where can I read about the "N playbook and tactical apology?

Groundhog Day, There isnt a "Narcissists handbook" as far as i know. It was just a phrase to describe how people work out how a narcissist thinks and works to maintain their narcissistic supply. Maybe members of this site could write one?

My father is very manipulative and covert so it took a long time to understand what he was up to and i learnt about narcissism Hes very good at "guilting", a phrase here and there.  Then he came out and abused me to my face, as he got frustrated and his carefully  developed persona, slipped. Then he tried the "Tactical apology" as i called it , not genuine heartfelt sorry. Eg will i forget about it, if he says the word "sorry" and we can carry on as before. No i wont.

As i say your gut  always knows when youre being manipulated or passively aggressively insulted. We try to analyse it away  with various excuses and explanations, but our body is telling us its wrong. We feel uncomfortable.

[Groundhog Day]

Hazy111, sorry I misread. A N handbook would be awesome!  Lol

I have delt with 2 narcassists in my life. Both of them exibited extreme manipulative behaviors. Most negative behaviors were towards their partners in order to isolate them from others. They would lie, fabricate stories in order to keep friends, and family from their partners so they would be the only one in their lives. Very scarry stuff!

And you are right in saying a narsassist needs supply. It's like a shark attracted to blood.

[Hazy111]

Hazy111, sorry I misread. A N handbook would be awesome!  Lol

I have delt with 2 narcassists in my life. Both of them exibited extreme manipulative behaviors. Most negative behaviors were towards their partners in order to isolate them from others. They would lie, fabricate stories in order to keep friends, and family from their partners so they would be the only one in their lives. Very scarry stuff!

And you are right in saying a narsassist needs supply. It's like a shark attracted to blood.

Groundhog Day, ive seen this happen too. It happened to a good friend of mine. I was his "best man". But his wife started that behavior with his friends and family.  I didnt know about all this stuff back then.  Manipulating partners and isolating them. Its about chronic insecurity and the need to control and secure their primary source of supply.

[losingmyself]

Though I've never received a true apology, I think if H ever did offer one, it would be the same in his mind as sharing things on social media that tell people how to be a better person, how to appreciate and love your neighbors, etc.  They don't mean anything to him, but somehow he knows that it's what a person SHOULD say. So, it makes him look good. Even though I seriously laugh out loud when I see some of the stuff he posts. It will be totally the opposite of how he behaves.
So, no. I would never trust an apology from him as genuine. Not that I would ever get one.

[Hazy111]

Wife beaters never beat their wives in public.