Verbal assault

Findingstrength729 · January 02, 2020, 06:57:23 PM

How do you deal with verbal assault and character defamation in the workplace. Especially, if it is racially or similarly motivated [Think: personal characteristics and life choices you can't help; like being married to your child's father and earning a top salary in the organization].

I do not know who I can turn too. I also know this isn't the first nor the last time this will happen and will (and has) continued to get worse. I know I should report it. But I'm fearful of retaliation impacting my career. My reputation is stellar in the community, but the individual workplace is toxic.

xredshoesx · January 02, 2020, 08:45:12 PM

i had to report a boss to HR for calling me '504 plan' repeatedly, like at staff meetings and in front of other coworkers whenever i asked a question or needed additional clarification. he ended up getting fired b/c his disrespect started trickling into the emails he was sending to staff so it was to the point where it couldn't be denied any longer. document EVERYTHING and call your hr department.

Findingstrength729 · January 03, 2020, 10:40:54 PM

Quote from: xredshoesx on January 02, 2020, 08:45:12 PM
i had to report a boss to HR for calling me '504 plan' repeatedly, like at staff meetings and in front of other coworkers whenever i asked a question or needed additional clarification. he ended up getting fired b/c his disrespect started trickling into the emails he was sending to staff so it was to the point where it couldn't be denied any longer. document EVERYTHING and call your hr department.

I have been documenting. Why do people act like this....it was so horrifying.

clara · January 04, 2020, 11:46:37 AM

Some people do this to feel better about themselves. That they do it in the workplace is kind of astonishing, but if they've never gotten significant pushback, they just keep doing it because they can. It's not just emotional outbursts, something they can't control--they're aware of it and do it deliberately. For most of them, they wouldn't do it if they thought there'd be serious blow-back, so you have to investigate why they have such security over their behavior. Often, they know HR won't do anything, maybe nothing more than a slap on the hand. Or else they know they have the silent approval of others in the workplace. They have people in their corner. Often, it seems they're not even really targeting you, just something you represent that they don't like. You could be anyone. They don't see you as an individual, but as a representative of a group. That's why your being held in high esteem by others outside of the workplace doesn't make any difference to them. They don't see you as an individual. They don't want to. It's not right, but it's pretty amazing how much "not right" behavior goes on in the workplace, and how entrenched it can become. You might engage in a battle you can't win, but I'm not saying it shouldn't be fought--you just have to be clear-eyed about the consequences.

Findingstrength729 · January 04, 2020, 08:24:55 PM

Quote from: clara on January 04, 2020, 11:46:37 AM
Some people do this to feel better about themselves. That they do it in the workplace is kind of astonishing, but if they've never gotten significant pushback, they just keep doing it because they can. It's not just emotional outbursts, something they can't control--they're aware of it and do it deliberately. For most of them, they wouldn't do it if they thought there'd be serious blow-back, so you have to investigate why they have such security over their behavior. Often, they know HR won't do anything, maybe nothing more than a slap on the hand. Or else they know they have the silent approval of others in the workplace. They have people in their corner. Often, it seems they're not even really targeting you, just something you represent that they don't like. You could be anyone. They don't see you as an individual, but as a representative of a group. That's why your being held in high esteem by others outside of the workplace doesn't make any difference to them. They don't see you as an individual. They don't want to. It's not right, but it's pretty amazing how much "not right" behavior goes on in the workplace, and how entrenched it can become. You might engage in a battle you can't win, but I'm not saying it shouldn't be fought--you just have to be clear-eyed about the consequences.

Clara, you hit the nail on the head. I won't go into all of the details. I do believe it was premeditated. I do believe that it will happen again. I'm up for fighting the good fight, but I also know it at the end of the day it won't matter. So where do I go from here....I'm in a career I love. But nobody has my back and it will keep happening.

I know that I have certain privledge because of my skin color. I know that I am very fortunate in where I am in life and what has been afforded to me. We have all been through crap, the only difference I can see is I refuse to let that define me. I press forward with a smile on my face. :sigh: I could see a beautiful friendship with this individual, despite it all. I just don't think it will ever happen (and they are the queen bee, if you aren't in her good graces you are just scum).

Wilderhearts · January 06, 2020, 08:54:46 PM

FindingStrength, I've been looking into "female bullying in the work place" a little because I've experienced it too, and recently witnessed more. The general consensus is to stand up to the offender, privately, in a very civil and respectful way. Apparently it's one of the only things that works with adult bullies - letting them know explicitly you won't let it slide. I wouldn't even mention your next step is reporting them, in case they are very deceitful and manipulative and file a false report to head you off.

However, if you suspect the person to be PD'd, or you've tried this and they reacted by lashing out or with more bullying, I would say leave now. Since you've said it's a toxic workplace altogether, I would say leave now. I was in a very toxic work place for years because I loved the work and was committed to the cause, and it cost me my mental and physical health. That was the wakeup call I needed to stop trying to just "get through it" and try different ways of resolving and coping. It's incredibly hard to change the culture of a workplace, because it's in the actions of people from the bottom to the top. Since she's the "queen bee" and seems to have people in her corner, and they all treat others with contempt, it's not just a one-off issue. When there's a nasty little clique and leadership doesn't notice or intervene, that's another issue altogether.

Findingstrength729 · January 06, 2020, 11:38:58 PM

Just when I think I've seen it all, something else happens. I was accused of instigating the harassment, with eye witness accounts of me instigating. Funny how that works.

Bowing out gracefully. My anxiety is triggering full force. My stomach is in knots.

Findingstrength729 · January 08, 2020, 09:19:03 PM

Is it wrong to give a chance for them to fix the problem (higher up admin)?
Knowing that things may or may not improve. That you might be beating a dead horse.

xredshoesx · January 09, 2020, 05:44:22 AM

i think if you do give them the chance to fix it, that means that your complaint better be documented somewhere by someone and if they still don't you may be able to take legal action. can you ask to see something in writing or ask what the next steps/ consequences are?

Findingstrength729 · January 09, 2020, 07:41:15 PM

Quote from: xredshoesx on January 09, 2020, 05:44:22 AM
i think if you do give them the chance to fix it, that means that your complaint better be documented somewhere by someone and if they still don't you may be able to take legal action. can you ask to see something in writing or ask what the next steps/ consequences are?

Yes, that was the conversation. I need a plan. I need action. They asked me to give them a chance to remedy the situation. Plans are in place for action, so time will tell?

Findingstrength729 · January 12, 2020, 02:41:28 PM

Avoid the person or seek to remedy with her? Something that was said, had me thinking....did I get extra defensive because of cultural differences? And thus we both are in the wrong to some degree. I don't agree with the degrading of my character, but I am wondering if it is worth it to have a conversation with this person and attempt to reach an understanding?

xredshoesx · January 12, 2020, 05:09:48 PM

if you decide to have a conversation with them, please see if you can get a neutral 3rd party to be present as well.

Findingstrength729 · January 12, 2020, 06:36:04 PM

Quote from: xredshoesx on January 12, 2020, 05:09:48 PM
if you decide to have a conversation with them, please see if you can get a neutral 3rd party to be present as well.

Agree. Part of me just wants to ignore. But I know the issues will continue to fester. :/