Thank you card

[logistics]

Out of town, niece 16 wrote a thank you card to husband. It was addressed to him and the thank you card only mentioned him. I was totally ignored. I did the shopping, wrapping mailing and included all our names on the gift. He gets the honorable mention because I'm the SG. Do I ignore? Do I see if H will say some thing to his family? Do I ignore her gift next year?

[H_Allison]

Girl- you take a big step back next year. This is your DH's family, so he gets to manage the gifts/celebrations. If they want to benefit from your careful consideration and thoughtfulness, they better start treating your like it.

[NumbLotus]

I wouldn't get all up in arms about a 16 year old's thank you note. You can take a step back but I wouldn't be punishing her or hold a grudge over it.

She was likely affected by a parent's direction, whether purposeful ("no, you don't need to address your aunt") or inadverdant ("have you written your uncle's thank you note yet?" - shorthand but taken literally).

[Poison Ivy]

 

[logistics]

Thank you, of course your all correct. In being the one to be blamed for everything and punished with silent treatment it's easy to take things personally when I have to remember it's a 16 yo

[GettingOOTF]

For me the issue would be that my h didn't stand up for me and say this wasn't acceptable. It's totally not acceptable.

I agree that his niece is not to blame, she's 16 and her parents likely told her what to write or she picked up on their feelings towards you. I am the family scape goat and my nieces treat me as one. I don't blame them as they are children. I feel sorry for them they that they are being raised in the same messed up family system that I was.

You h however is an adult and I'm sure this has come up in the past. My h never stood up for me with is family. There were other issues but this was the one that upset me the most and ultimately I decided to leave.

Have you spoken to him about this card? What was his response?

[logistics]

My husband's stance is what really bothers me.  He continues the cycle. He minimizes the impact to me. He minimizes his relationship with his family though children and he received gifts from this particular family  but I did not get any gifts or acknowledgement. Next year I will be expected to give gifts and be the bigger person and they will be expected to treat me poorly.  They are out of town so I don't see them but I still feel their treatment.

[GettingOOTF]

My exes family lived a few stares away and I felt their impact on me very keenly. Distance is nothing when it comes to abuse.

I'm sorry Your husband isn't supporting you in this. I've been there and I remember how hurtful, frustrating and destabilizing  it was.

[appaloosa]

"Next year I will be expected to give gifts and be the bigger person and they will be expected to treat me poorly. "

They can expect all they want--your husband and his relatives. If it were me, they'd be expecting until the cows came home, because I would do exactly ZERO. By continuing to fulfill their expectations, you are enabling their abuse.

[Alexmom]

I would ignore the card but going forward not do anymore gift buying, sending, etc. for the IL side.   Your H can take that over and you can do better things with your time.