Not "allowed" to be generous

[SparkStillLit]

I'm remembering so many things.
We went through a bad financial time where I had to go to the state office and apply for aid. Didn't qualify. It was super humiliating.  I remember lots of moms & kids there.
Later when we were better off, I was in line at the grocery around holidays and a mom on aid was putting back a ham and some other items because she was over her allotment. I stopped her and paid the difference. The cashier was floored and the lady was over the moon with gratitude, cried, hugged me.
When I told updh, he said "did you pay for alcohol" and "how much did you spend".
Just because she was underprivileged doesn't make her an alcoholic, and never mind what I spent. (It wasn't much, even. I would have spent more, and you can't purchase alcohol on aid, but I would have bought her damn wine or whatever! What, I can have wine and she can't?!) That was years back, i don't shop inside anymore.

Then it was the neighbors and bread. I have made them bread before, but he decided he doesn't like them. Last time he caught me taking them a loaf, he flipped. Now he eats all the bread, even the kinds he previously didn't like. I just find it suspicious. This is recent. I keep making bread because usually the family gets sick of it, but not so far....

[Poison Ivy]

My ex-husband is generous to me and our daughters but not to people outside the immediate family.  His dad, who died a few months ago, was very similar, although worse.  My ex just doesn't seem to think about other people, whereas my ex FIL seemed actively hostile to charities and nonrelatives.  In contrast, I am somewhat generous.  I recently gave $500 to a friend who is struggling financially, I gave a store clerk (the kind one doesn't normally tip) $10 on Christmas Day, and I love being able to make unexpected gestures of support.

[D.Dan]

I found that all the different pwPD's in my life behaved as though generosity should flow one way... towards themselves.

I was discouraged from giving anything to anyone else and if any of my PDs discovered that someone was going to be generous to me, they'd insert themselves in the middle so as to redirect that generosity to themselves, cutting me out completely.

I was not supposed to be generous except to the PD, and I was not supposed to accept generosity unless I gave it to the PD. That's been my experience.

[GettingOOTF]

My BPDxH was known for his generosity. He was always paying for things, tipping crazy amounts etc.

I used to think to myself how easy it was for him to give money away as he didn't have to go out an earn it. I did.

[NumbLotus]

My H I think would like to be generous but does not have the resources anymore (money being the least of it). Back when he had dreams of the future, helping others was always part of it. He also will go pretty far to help an animal. 

But when generosity comes his or our way, he will almost always be suspicious. He will assume it's not generosity but manipulation or at least something self serving. This causes me a pain that I can't really put my finger on.

[SparkStillLit]

Oh that's another weird thing. Animals. He will adopt them and stuff, but later on if there are vet bills or what have you he'll make you pay hell. Say things like put them down rather than pay big vet bills. Things like animals don't come before people and all sorts of things. You've practically gotta sneak them to the vet, and then hide the price.
It's quite stressful.
I've also learned to hide any generosity. When we were in that bad time, I'm part of an online community and they pooled together to send me enough money to pay my mortgage and keep us fed and keep the lights on for a few months until we got back on our feet.
He was SUPER WEIRD about this. I was SUPER GRATEFUL and I've tried to pay it forward ever since. I've learned to keep this secret.

[Stillirise]

I've also learned to keep anything I do for others a secret.  Whether it is a monetary gift, or a gift of my time, uPDh almost always takes issue with it.  He has been known to make charitable gestures himself, but usually only if there is some personal recognition involved. The idea of an anonymous pay it forward type deed is a foreign concept to him. Also, I think he is jealous of the times I have done things to help others.  He will make comments about how he wished he were treated so well, or I were so kind to him. 🙄

[Lauren17]

But when generosity comes his or our way, he will almost always be suspicious. He will assume it's not generosity but manipulation or at least something self serving. This causes me a pain that I can't really put my finger on.

H is generous with money and time but only on his terms. He will never request or accept help from outside the immediate family.
We once had some very heavy lifting to do as part of a home renovation project. It was way outside what I could lift. I begged him to ask the neighbor for help as H had recently helped move something of his. H angrily refused and put both of us in physical danger with that decision.
I think it's a pride/power thing. He can  afford to be generous, but he is never weak enough to require help from others.
To Spark's point, I've started requesting help from others and offering it turn without a word to H. I've enjoyed contributing to the community in this way. It's a tiny step outside of the isolation.

[Fortuna]

This isn't in quite the same vein, but when I moved I offered up the open food to my mom. I had a pile of unopened food for the food bank set aside in a box. The opened stuff was all on my counter/fridge. Once my mom put stuff in bags and left I realized half the food for the food bank was missing.  Who does that?