Did you set boundaries then realize not too many people remain?

Started by Blueberry Pancakes, January 03, 2020, 03:28:39 PM

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Blueberry Pancakes

A couple years ago when the FOG lifted, I started setting boundaries with my parents and sibling. Then as awareness grew, I noticed NPD behavior in coworkers as well as some friends. I started limiting my points of contact with them and also stopped sharing any details of my life. While my boundaries have given me peace, I have noticed how many people I allowed close to me who did not treat me well.  I was surprised at that, then also realized how very few people now remain in my life in any close relationship. Is that normal? Is it part of the healing process to shed what does not work, then begin to build up again?     
       
One longtime friend I tried so hard to keep, but then just stopped calling her. We did not have an argument but I just realized it was always centered on her. That was ten months ago, and she has never called me since.  I thought we were good friends, but now believe my perception of these "friends" must not have been the same as they thought. Has anyone experienced similar, and if so, how do you go about building friendships that are healthy and have some reciprocity? 

lotusblume

Absolutely 100%.

Lost two of my "best friends". One took the side of my parents blatantly, the other betrayed me to my sibling, and despite me continuing some communication with her, when I put up boundaries she began to distance herself, as I did from her.

Another friend didn't seem to respond well to my new found confidence either.

Relatives who I trusted turned against me.

A whole lot of loss, and I grieved immensely, but with time saw more clearly. My definition of friendship has changed. After a while, I have met some people who I can be myself around and who support me.

GettingOOTF

Absolutely. I could have written the exact same post.

I'm slowly rebuilding my circle though. It's much much smaller but only contains loving and supportive people

Mintstripes

Yes, and I do not regret it. I will no longer associate with anyone I consider at all unsafe or incompatible.

nanotech

Yes,
my sister treated me very much like your friend did you.
I stopped being her emotional outlet for her life as well as fixer and scapegoat.
Her response was to have no relationship with me at all.
It was a shocker really. I was really only as good as the abuse lasted.
We sort of hope that these people will come to their senses and see what they were doing and how wrong it was.
They don't.   :sadno:
I've had it happen with other family members, and with friends too.
It's sad, but it's well worth it.

guitarman

I now call my uBPD/NPD sister my abuser. I am her target of abuse. Once you begin to acknowledge abuse in your life you can define other relationships as abusive and won't tolerate it any more.

It maybe that you have been so used to being the target of abuse that you have many abusers in your life as that is what you are used to and expect. Now you see things differently and are empowered to change.

Find your passion and find your tribe. It will take time. You will find people who will celebrate you and your achievements. They will not want to harm you but love and support you. They will be there for you. Perhaps you are not used to that.
"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

sarandro

Yes...
Years ago, when I was in my first marriage (violent Narc)..I reached out to my so called FOO and friends for help and support...nothing, even when I had helped them all with their problems....so when I had the courage to leave him, I left my friends all behind as well, and over the years, I have realised that the kind of people who were attracted to me were 'takers' and learned to do without anyone and rely on myself.

Got married again...! had mutual friends (his)...not really mine...a lonely time

Fast forward to now...finding out that my FOO and husband have Narc tendencies...no one to talk to (except this forum)

Went NC with FOO...MC with husband.

I have no one left...no real friends, no Mum...no siblings...and now no proper relationship with husband.

I am finding it all very hard, but my lovely sons 22, 23 and 30 understand the situation and support me.

Making a few new acquaintances lately with my new business and that's been great, but I long for a real friend ...someone who gets me, but I would rather have no one than be used and abused...but it's still very isolating .

Maybe my expectations of people are too high?
Maybe I am better off without anyone?

I have lost faith I think in ever having anyone on my side, so to speak, I don't know how to make friends anymore.


StayWithMe

At some point in my life, i realized if I didn't have certain boundaries between myself and others, I will never have a healthy relationship with them.

One of those boundaries was to ensure give and take in a relationship.  I noticed that a lot of women will call, from time to time and then ask "What's up" expecting me to provide the entertainment ......

which, get this, they still felt that the had the right sniff over and accept and reject.

I tightened that up and after the question "What's up" I would ask "What do you have in mind?"

I noticed a couple of women stopped calling. 

hermit crab

Loyalty is rare. Was told this quote way back in my childhood. Didn't believe it then, but have come to realize the truth and wisdom of it:

"If you find one true friend in your lifetime, consider yourself fortunate...most fortunate, indeed."

Free2Bme

Had a few friends pre-divorce.   Some disappeared when it hit the fan, others made a small effort to be supportive/well-meaning but couldn't grasp the complexity of the PD situation.  Especially since they knew us as a couple and updxh always had on his good-guy act.

Fast forward 4 years after ending marriage, now have a very rare blip on my radar.  Sometimes, a friend will call after months or a year to inquire, and are satisfied when I say "yeah, I am doing better".   Even though I have just barely crawled out of the fox hole.

A couple of other "friends" only seemed interested in getting an update on Free2Bme drama.  Like my life is a news story :sadno:

I've wondered why I settled for so little in my friendships for so long.  I reasoned that I should accept having fewer than I desired and that sub-par friends were better than no friends, everyone has idiosyncrasies, see the good in everyone, etc. 

Now, I'm content being alone 90% of the time, but wish I had friends to connect with occasionally, a little lonely but mostly feels like another layer of  loss.

StayWithMe

Every friend whom I knew for a fact or suspected was remaining friends with my exH, I simply cut ties with them.

I realized that I would not be able to set boundaries with them as to not saying anything about me, or worse, helping to manufacture drama.  Surely, you guys have heard the expression "the right of first refusal."

I think it's an empowering feeling whether you tried setting boundaries or not, that sometimes the best to do is to just start over.

TriedTooHard

Yes, I also experienced this.  I'm not sure if I'm one to give advice on building better friendships, as I'm still in the beginning stages of that.  Learning about my co-dependency issues has been very helpful in preventing any new, unhealthy friendships from forming, and identifying people who are a better "fit."

Sometimes  I use co-worker interactions as a gauge of how I'm doing in this area.  Especially when I wonder if I'm being too sensitive.  Its only human to have doubts sometimes.  Sometimes I have to put up with PD traits in co-workers.  I want to stay at my job; the level of PD traits there is no more than in the general population.   Sure enough, the people whom I suspect as being uPD or having excess PD traits go through the cycles like clock work, and eventually reveal their PD ways.  At work, I feel less lonely, and more secure, as a result of being able to manage all that, thanks to learning about co-dependency.  That feeling of security has been growing - I hope it's becoming more apparent to others. 

GettingOOTF

Quote from: Free2Bme on January 07, 2020, 09:33:15 PM


A couple of other "friends" only seemed interested in getting an update on Free2Bme drama.  Like my life is a news story :sadno:

I've wondered why I settled for so little in my friendships for so long.  I reasoned that I should accept having fewer than I desired and that sub-par friends were better than no friends, everyone has idiosyncrasies, see the good in everyone, etc. 



One thing I noticed is that the better my life became the more people fell away. It's like I was only good enough when I was filled with drama and bad things.

I gained a lot of weight when I was married. I started losing it and a friend said "if you lose any more weight I'll have to stop being friends with you". I thought she was joking. Turns out she wasn't. I came to see that all of her friends were "unattractive" in some way. I was "the fat friend". She was very physically competitive and I guess when she could no longer feel superior to me based on her viewed of superiority then I had no space in her life.

I also had friends who every time I saw them would ask about my ex and his latest escapades. I thought they were being supportive but they took a lot of delight in the drama and how messed up I was.

Many people are damaged in various ways. I think we gravitate towards people on our level/wave length. It's the only way I can explain how I was surrounded by people like this until I took control of my life and got happy (happier).

theonetoblame

One of the things I've learned to do is nothing... it might sound funny, but like many here I had a history of one sided relationships in my life. It wasn't until I stopped putting effort in and stepped back for a bit that I started to see these relationships for what they were. Looking back, this is a pattern that started with my parents and how they treated me, a pattern I then carried into adulthood as I had no other frame of reference for how relationships work.

Thankfully, I'm still married  :aaauuugh: for real, we're solid. If I do nothing for a beat, she comes to me -- it's healthy and balanced.

It was really in my FOO where the vacuum emerged the moment I stopped putting energy into things. Like a deep space vacuum, the type where there is no sound or light, just nothing. It was a hard lesson, but one I have come to accept as the truth in terms of how some others think about me i.e. they simply don't. I sooo wanted to be loved by those people.... letting go of this dream (and what eventually became a delusion) was probably the hardest part. 

BeanerJane

Yeah, I did notice that a lot of people just dropped out of my life. I stopped trying so hard to keep the relationships going. You know, let them put in a little effort. I think of all those years they used me (help with their degree, filler for their loneliness, sounding board, errand runner, aborsber of their gripes, whatever) and realize they never LIKED me. I probably annoyed them but was useful for their purposes.

Whatever the case, I can take a hint.  I've deleted their phone numbers and moved on.  I've pivoted to other things:  My kids, volunteering, hobbies, work, etc.  I've met other people I call friends but we have a much more compartmentalized relationship. I have a few Mom friends, a neighbor friend, old friend from school, old friend from work, family members, etc.  Only a small handful are within the inner circle.

Pepin

Absolutely!  I left a huge litter trail in my wake and am still clearing away more.  My world of "people" may be small -- but it sure makes room for having a bigger and better "life" without them.  Wish I had understood boundaries earlier so that I didn't have to go through it but....here we are.

StayWithMe

Quote from: GettingOOTF on January 17, 2020, 10:46:13 AM
Quote from: Free2Bme on January 07, 2020, 09:33:15 PM


A couple of other "friends" only seemed interested in getting an update on Free2Bme drama.  Like my life is a news story :sadno:

I've wondered why I settled for so little in my friendships for so long.  I reasoned that I should accept having fewer than I desired and that sub-par friends were better than no friends, everyone has idiosyncrasies, see the good in everyone, etc. 



One thing I noticed is that the better my life became the more people fell away. It's like I was only good enough when I was filled with drama and bad things.

I gained a lot of weight when I was married. I started losing it and a friend said "if you lose any more weight I'll have to stop being friends with you". I thought she was joking. Turns out she wasn't. I came to see that all of her friends were "unattractive" in some way. I was "the fat friend". She was very physically competitive and I guess when she could no longer feel superior to me based on her viewed of superiority then I had no space in her life.

I also had friends who every time I saw them would ask about my ex and his latest escapades. I thought they were being supportive but they took a lot of delight in the drama and how messed up I was.

Many people are damaged in various ways. I think we gravitate towards people on our level/wave length. It's the only way I can explain how I was surrounded by people like this until I took control of my life and got happy (happier).

I thought I was reading my own post.

Sweetbriar

I am experiencing this now. So many friends and family members have drifted away and there is a unnerving silence at times.

It is a strange sensation to stand and watch your life shift. One dear old friend, who is married into my FOO, and has since allied with the FOO. I thought that she was my best friend and she would always understand me, but she doesn't. She judges the distance I have taken from my family, even though, a year ago she'd complain to me rampantly about them. It boggles my mind.

I agree with the post above about "doing nothing." I have been implementing this experiment. If I do nothing, who checks in on me? So many have not and I will admit that it can be heartbreaking because they know I'm going through a really hard time.

I am deciding that it has to be give and take and if it is only take from someone, I let them go.

A few other people have arrived into my life that I really like. I've noticed they are people who are educated about personality disorders and C-PTSD. They have been through it and they have sought healing themselves so they don't judge me and they help me when I'm really overwhelmed and confused. Thank goodness for them.

I think that the general population just don't know about personality disorders and trauma, and they are caught in old patterns? and When they see my choices, I go against much of what they were taught, so they distance and then I in turn distance. I feel too fragile to try to explain it to them.

I am not lonely though. That is the interesting part. I have come to believe that a few good and honest, kind friends are all I need. I also get a lot of companionship from my dogs.

sandpiper

Yes. As others have said, I've found that it is important to refocus relationships so that I give a bit more attention to those that have reciprocity and those that show they care about me too. I didn't learn to develop healthy relationships as a child, I think if anything I just learned to pander to narcissists and it is a hard thing to unlearn.
What helped me, other than therapy & group work (so important, just listening to other people's stories gave me so many 'aha!' Moments) was actively working on my own communication skills.
It's an ongoing learning curve, but working on my own 'fleas' and realising just how badly the PDs in my family communicate was a big one.
My first career was in teaching and one of the things that got me interested in that was the concept of 'warm fuzzies and cold pricklies'. It introduced me to the idea that the words and expressions we use are important and until I heard that from one of my own school teachers, I had no idea just how toxic the conversations I'd accepted as being 'normal' from my family actually were.
I had absorbed a lot of that and was unconsciously repeating things and ways of 'being' that were quite off-putting to people who'd been raised in loving and respectful, reciprocal relationships.
There's some good ideas and books in the tool box, and if you have a hunt in your local library system for books on how to have healthier relationships, that's probably a start.
As my T used to say, there's no point pulling out all the weeds if you don't plant crops.

LemonLime

Quote from: sandpiper on February 08, 2020, 12:35:43 PM
Yes. As others have said, I've found that it is important to refocus relationships so that I give a bit more attention to those that have reciprocity and those that show they care about me too. I didn't learn to develop healthy relationships as a child, I think if anything I just learned to pander to narcissists and it is a hard thing to unlearn.
What helped me, other than therapy & group work (so important, just listening to other people's stories gave me so many 'aha!' Moments) was actively working on my own communication skills.
It's an ongoing learning curve, but working on my own 'fleas' and realising just how badly the PDs in my family communicate was a big one.
My first career was in teaching and one of the things that got me interested in that was the concept of 'warm fuzzies and cold pricklies'. It introduced me to the idea that the words and expressions we use are important and until I heard that from one of my own school teachers, I had no idea just how toxic the conversations I'd accepted as being 'normal' from my family actually were.
I had absorbed a lot of that and was unconsciously repeating things and ways of 'being' that were quite off-putting to people who'd been raised in loving and respectful, reciprocal relationships.
There's some good ideas and books in the tool box, and if you have a hunt in your local library system for books on how to have healthier relationships, that's probably a start.
As my T used to say, there's no point pulling out all the weeds if you don't plant crops.

:yeahthat:
Sandpiper, I just have to say how much I resonate with this.   Most of my FOO is not PD, but they have a sarcastic sense of humor, and snicker at each other a lot.   I grew up thinking that's how you show people that you like them.  And people who didn't go along with the joke "had no sense of humor".
I was in my 20's when one of my friends finally said "That's mean!" when I teased her too hard.  And that's when I realized that what I'd grown up with was not positive.  I felt so embarrassed for all the things I had been saying to my friends all those years, not realizing how mean it was.   :-[