When I can't say anything right.

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logistics

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When I can't say anything right.
« on: January 04, 2020, 06:25:07 PM »
I'm always blamed for the slightest blunder. It will be thrown back at me. If we have an argument of course it's my fault. If I stay silent MC than I'm moody.  How do I stand up for myself if I can't say a word?  I must stay for at least 6 months but I'm so ready mentally to leave.

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Jesse7319

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Re: When I can't say anything right.
« Reply #1 on: January 04, 2020, 06:42:01 PM »
I really wish I had some advice for you, Iím just posting to let you know that you arenít alone. I have this same exact issue with my husband. Anything I say is turned around.. He somehow justifies everything he says and does and makes everything I say and do seem awful. Most days I just donít even want to open my mouth. Itís getting worse and worse. I hope someone has some good advice.

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1footouttadefog

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Re: When I can't say anything right.
« Reply #2 on: January 04, 2020, 08:17:10 PM »
I tend to handle circular conversations buy saying my statements simply and with assertiveness.  Then when I notice they are being ignored or if I am not given opportunity to participate as an equal in the conversation I state,

This is no longer a two way conversation so my presence is no longer required and I then walk away.

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rlainfrank

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Re: When I can't say anything right.
« Reply #3 on: February 05, 2020, 04:30:45 PM »
I feel your pain, somehow it always seems to be my fault.  At the end I am always like, WTF?  So, last night I was not feeling well (sick), and she was in one of her "moods."  She said, "I'm going in the other room and taking a shower!"  She slammed the door.  I just laid there watching TV.  Then she came back and said, "you can sleep upstairs tonight!"  I said nothing.  Later I wanted to lie in bed, so I went' upstairs.  She proceeded to barge in and just go off...how I had to move upstairs from now on, and how she was going to move my stuff upstairs (right now), etc, etc.  Wouldn't let me shut the door.  Crazy stuff.  I just didn't react at all...which is what she wanted.  She then said, "why don't you come sleep in your own bed?"  I said, "because you told me to sleep up here, and I was tired and was following your wishes." I was cool as the other side of the pillow too.  She then demanded I come down.  I told her that if she apologized, and asked me nicely, then I would...that part was almost like poking the bear, but damn I was tired and didn't feel good.  I was surprised...she did both.  Then she wanted us to both apologize for arguing...nope, not going to do it...I flat didn't argue, raise my voice, nothing, and told her as much.  Surprised how that didn't turn into more, but I was so tired that I think I fell asleep really quick.

Oh boy here we go again, and her "symptoms" have been at bay since I came back about a month ago (I left for a while because of her alcoholism and this).  BTW, she had a relapse, but that was pretty minimal, and her counseling seems to help a little, but she sure isn't admitting to being BPD. 

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notrightinthehead

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Re: When I can't say anything right.
« Reply #4 on: February 06, 2020, 04:40:10 AM »
Logistics, sounds like you can't do anything right at the moment. You stand up for yourself by not taking on his distorted image of you.  Should he accuse you of something, you do not react immediately, you consider first - is what he says correct? Does it agree with my self image? Is it constructive critizism or just mean? Is there any benefit for me if I respond?  Slow things right down. If you loose the ability to think clearly - find a sentence like 'That's interesting. I will have to think about this first before I answer.' when pressed for a reaction and remove yourself. Work on keeping your self esteem intact. Say kind things about yourself to yourself. Work on remaining calm through his onslaughts. By not allowing him to pull you into his emotional turmoil - you might feel more in control and you stand up for yourself.

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Kat1984

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Re: When I can't say anything right.
« Reply #5 on: February 06, 2020, 01:41:22 PM »
Logistics, I cannot overstate how helpful learning to meditate has been for me in this situation.
I remain calm even while they rage.  It is truly a wonderful skill to develop, for many life situations.   PDs will give you plenty of opportunities to practice your new skill!
I only meditate 10 minutes per day.  Takes a while to get into the habit but it's priceless.  You can learn online.

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poppyadroit

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Re: When I can't say anything right.
« Reply #6 on: February 19, 2020, 04:43:36 PM »
I can totally relate. It seems like I can't do anything right, and anytime I make a mistake I'm met with yelling and harsh words. Everything is my fault. She is NEVER wrong. I can't stand up for myself. It is really painful.

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logistics

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Re: When I can't say anything right.
« Reply #7 on: February 20, 2020, 05:09:00 PM »
Valentine's day husband berates me for not figuring out his issues. It's not my problem but he wanted me to help. I tried to help but couldn't fix it. This was his priority.