so overwhelmed and confused and alone

[Dinah-sore]

I have one seriously ill child who I am caregiving 24/7. It has been a difficult year. I have zero help from DH other than picking stuff up from the grocery store on his way home from work. He refuses to support me emotionally. If I try to talk to him, he doesn't try talk to me or connect with me. Or he will correct me and get frustrated with me. He is out of town for the week on business. Last night my daughter was so sick that it was very difficult for several hours. He knows how she is and he still leaves (and maybe he had to?). BUT he did not even call to check on us last night, even before he went to bed. Then this morning he texted, "how was last night?" When I texted back with the word "bad" he just sent back a text that said "sorry." I am angry because he hasn't called to ask what bad means. Bad means traumatic.

If I was out of town for work, and my girl was suffering, I would want to know what happened. I would call to check on her and talk to her. If I texted (instead of called) and found out it was bad, I would call to find out details and comfort my family. I feel like he just ignores us. He does have several long breaks while he is out of town where he is alone. He can call. This trip is not hectic. I feel like he doesn't care. He is having fun with people. And to top it off he is EATING UP all the attention he gets when he tells his sob story of how hard it is for HIM to have a sick child, that he doesn't even take care of. I do all the work to the point where I don't shower for days and I barely get to eat one meal a day. I still haven't eaten today. Last night I ate my first meal after midnight in my bed quickly next to my sick child.

Also, when she gets really ill and she starts to get emotional or grumpy and lash out in anger, he snaps at her, which makes her WORSE. And then I have to calm her down. Also her medication is making her emotions volatile and she has been hurting/scratching/hitting me when she is in pain. I have to help her. Even if it hurts, and she doesn't mean to. We took her off that medication, but she is still having some withdrawal symptoms that make her very upset or ill. but he makes it all about him.

When she gets upset, he gets so upset and his face gets scary when he tells her that she can't talk to him like that, and then he threatens to leave us. I told him to stop blowing up at her, and to stop threatening to leave us. But he keeps doing it; he has threatened to leave us three or four times so far. I lost my temper this weekend and cussed him out for threatening to leave us. I feel bad, because I cussed him out in front of my kid who was freaking out even more because of how he was acting, and then when he threatened to leave us and grabbed his keys to walk out, leaving my little one on the floor crying in my arms, I said, "f-you. I am so done with you doing this." I am at the end of my rope. I am so sorry. I feel bad. But I am really angry at him.

He knows that she is hurting me, that she is hurting herself (the doctors know and they are helping us, but we kinda have to wait this out). But I have to do it all alone. And now he is out of town with his friends, and not even checking on us with sincerity. It felt like when he texted he did it just to say that he did it. Because if he cared he would have inquired how bad it was. But he does like to tell people how hard it is on him. At church this weekend he had a bunch of people pray for him. We werent' there because I had to pull my kids out because how they were being treated by the church. So he is there getting all this attention. But nobody reaches out to us. I feel so worthless.

How do I stop expecting him to be loving and supportive? When do I give up? I feel angry too, but I try to let the anger out by myself. Like I will go to the side yard by the trash cans and sometimes break old broken stuff that was lost in the garage. It helps me get the stress out. Maybe it is wrong, but I am not hurting anyone and I am not scaring anyone, and I feel tempted to harm myself just being overwhelmed and I DON'T want to. But I don't take it out on the kids. I do really need therapy. I am so confused. Can you tell my what is going on? Is it bad? Am I just worn out and grumpy and finding small things to be upset about?

[Poison Ivy]

Oh, Dinah-sore, these are definitely real, big things to be upset about!  I feel angry at your husband just from reading this post.  Can you get therapy (not because you're overreacting but to help you cope with a very ill child and a very unhelpful and unsupportive husband)?

[Dinah-sore]

Yes, I can get therapy. The problem though is I can't leave my kids alone right now. So it would be hard to schedule the therapy around my DH's work schedule. But I think I need to force the issue. So I can have the emotional support to keep supporting others.

[Rose1]

Im sorry Dinah. In hindsight id be tempted to tell him go. Nothing like a dose of reality for these emotional children. Because he is making things many times worse.
I put up with this rubbish too for far too long. Exbpdh left (to teach me a lesson) and you should have heard the whining when I said don't come back (maybe you did, that wasn't a plane). It was tough the first few months and then got much better. The difficulty of course is that hes messing with your head when he knows you are overwhelmed and thats rreally not on. Can you get some help with your d through medicaid? Like a visiting nurse or someone to give you a break? I also know from experience thst you cant keep this up indefinitely and help is important. Even someone so you can get a meal and shower. Dont rely on your husband or wait for him to see the light. Ive been following your story for a while and am seriously wondering if he is pd too. If he is he likely sees this illness as an infringement on his lifestyle.

[eyesopen]

I think that radical acceptance may help you in this situation.  By that, I mean accepting your husband for who he really is rather than what you want or expect him to be.

You expect him to be loving and supportive.  But why?  Is he showing you that he's loving and supportive?  He's apparently showing you that he's selfish, not willing to be supportive, and can't tolerate any inconvenience that you or your daughter cause him.

If you accept who he really is instead of being frustrated by who he isn't, then you'll understand that you're alone in this.  That's a shit sandwich you may just have to eat and I'm really sorry that you're in this situation.  The reality of it is really, really unfortunate.  But perhaps accepting that he'll never be supportive will give you the power to take charge of the situation yourself and focus more on your daughter's wellness and less on his selfish actions.

[notrightinthehead]

Oh Dinah, by all means go and find yourself a good therapist! Please! You need and deserve good emotional support! You feel so alone in this, no support from your parents, husband, church, and you are alone in this. You need someone to be on your side in addition to us virtual supporters on this forum.

Eventually you will have to wholeheartedly accept full and sole responsibility for your family as you seem to be the only adult in your set up. You will have to assume leadership and you will have to make few and sensible rules that will create safety and an environment of kindness in your family. Once you will allow yourself to realize that you need to confidently assume the leadership in your family because there is none as capable as you to fill this role, you might be able to accept that your husband is just another one who needs your guidance. It will be up to him to accept that or not.

You are so strong! You have endured so much abuse from your parents, your husband, and your church and you are still standing! Now it is time for you to get someone in your corner in real life too.

[NumbLotus]

I'm exhausted and emotionally drained just reading that, much less living it. Sometimes I wish the virtual world of online support could become a little more real.