I don't want to make anyone sad

[Jsinjin]

I am a sap and I have lived most of my life trying to make everyone happy.    I never want anyone to walk away from a deal or an argument or a situation feeling bad.    This leaves me constantly not able to settle things and in effect hurting people.   

I also build these situations that are not winnable at all.   

I should leave.   I'm in an emotionally and intimacy devoid marriage of 27 years, my kids get screamed at, we all walk on eggshells, DD oldest is on therapy and heavy meds, I'm on therapy and heavy meds, uOCPDw flares like a match in dry tinder and is only good at physical interactions like controlling finances or details like kids getting registered for school.   

Yet my main reason for staying is that I don't want to hurt her feelings and upset the kids..  I don't want her to be sad because of me.

[Poison Ivy]

Generally, not wanting to do things that might sadden other people is a good quality.  But in your situation (and for many people who come to this forum, I'm sure), the quality is actually harming you and your children and probably even your wife. 

[Whiteheron]

I am the same way. I worried about hurting stbx's feelings to the point I stayed with him for another five years and tried in vain to modify my behavior to make him content. In my case, our situation reached a tipping point when stbx turned his abusive behavior on to the kids. I believe DS was 11-12 at the time this started happening (he's 16 now). stbx was so bad towards him that it caused DS to start having panic attacks and extreme anxiety. DS would talk with me (thank goodness) and tell me all of the behaviors his dad was doing and how it made him feel, how it wasn't right. Even at that young age, he knew. This is what prompted me to seek the advice of an L. I also contacted DS's pediatrician, who pulled me aside and told me I had to do something. The Dr. also told me the analogy of the frog in the pot of water - I'd never heard this before. He encouraged me to seek T, which I did without letting stbx know (it was forbidden). I was on the fence, going back and forth about leaving. The T asked me one question: does H have your best interests at heart? My answer was a resounding No. She said, there's your answer. Deep down I already knew.

I was terrified. I didn't want to hurt stbx's feeling, I was a SAHM with zero income, no family I could count on, no friends who could help. Honestly, I would have tried to smooth things over if it wasn't for DS's deteriorating mental well being. I remember I had told my T that I could handle stbx treating me this way, but that I drew the line at the kids because they were innocent. (She had a lot to say about that and my very low self-esteem) When I found out that stbx had started up an affair with one of his direct reports, I still felt guilty about leaving! 

DS was still not doing well, despite my efforts at joint T and trying to talk with stbx to let him know his behaviors were unacceptable (I think this is around the time his affair started - because I refused to let it drop and "get back to normal"). I can say 100% that I filed for the kids. I could see they needed a safe/secure place that was free from control and manipulation. A place to relax and be themselves and find their path in the world. This would not have been possible had I stayed.

[Medowynd]

I doubt that your wife knows what sadness is.  You are projecting your feelings on your wife.  She will feel anger, which she already has, hate, vindictiveness and wanting revenge.  I hope for your sake and the sake of your children, you drop this idea of an emotion that your wife is incapable of feeling. 

[Whatthehey]

You and your children are being emotionally abused.

You have reminded me before that leaving has it's difficulties - but in the end is the right thing.  I am going to turn those words back on you.

Take a deep breath.  Think of your kids.  And go.  You are stronger than you think.

I thought for years that my xOCPDh deserved pity and sympathy or that love would change his behavior or therapy or time - I tried it all.  But in the end his need for control, hoarding of money, all of it - was greater than considering my needs or that of our children.  I realized that what he was doing was conscious.    He knew.  I asked a therapist and psychiatrist for confirmation.  They agreed.  This isn't like a person with schizophrenia - Pds are aware of their actions and that effect on people.

Go now before it also effects your health and your children's.

It won't be easy but it will get better.

[1footouttadefog]

If your meds were because you needed to remove a giant thorn from your foot, then you daughter had a similar thorn and required meds, would you continue walking on thorns, to avoid hurting her feelings .

Bad exams ,but reframing sometimes helps