The Doubt I Wonder About

[Spirit in the sky]

P123 was he always like that or it is something new. Is he married?

[p123]

P123 was he always like that or it is something new. Is he married?

Looking back with hindsight, yes, but hes got worse as hes got older.

Divorced twice. More surprised that he talked two women into marrying him in the first place!

[Spirit in the sky]

The ageing narcissist is not a pretty sight. A lot of them get away with it when they were younger but as they get older they get more resentful, bitter and demanding.

They start to lose control and you find friends and family starting to distance themselves.

Them the narc resents the fact you have a life of your own, in their mind your still young and have a future. They know it's all downhill for them and they want to take you down with them.

P123 was he always like that or it is something new. Is he married?

Looking back with hindsight, yes, but hes got worse as hes got older.

Divorced twice. More surprised that he talked two women into marrying him in the first place!

[p123]

The ageing narcissist is not a pretty sight. A lot of them get away with it when they were younger but as they get older they get more resentful, bitter and demanding.

They start to lose control and you find friends and family starting to distance themselves.

Them the narc resents the fact you have a life of your own, in their mind your still young and have a future. They know it's all downhill for them and they want to take you down with them.

Pretty much hit the the nail on the head here...

To be honest, when I was younger I was mostly oblivious to it. Partly because, in my mind, he was just "a little annoying" because he pretty much left me alone, and partly because maybe I had more time with no kids. Its only as hes got older that hes ramped things up and I've got less time.

Then I look back at what I used to let slide and how he was and think WOW.

Used to live about 10 mins drive from Dad, we had no kids. So wife wasn't bothered if 9pm at night I said I've got to pop over Dads. They never really got on that well but he was OK to take to a restuarant for a family. Used to come to us every xmas day.

Now we're 30 mins+ away got teenager with aspergers and a 6 year old. I cant just bail now, or tell the kids ballet class is cancelled etc. So wife had an issue.
Also as hes got worse, its becoming impossible to take him out in public or spend xmas day with us because of his rudneness.

[Spirit in the sky]

P123, I had all that with my mother in law. She traded on her looks to get attention and never had any hobbies or interests. As everyone around her 'got a life' she still thought she was the centre of everyones world. My brother in law and his family escaped and only visited 3-4 times a year.

She was so jealous of her friends getting any attention (she's 73 years old and constantly posting selfies on Facebook) and getting more 'likes' that she blocked them. Because my husband and I live 10 minutes away she expected us to drop everything and amuse her. Then if she didn't go along with her plans she got nasty and spiteful.

We too had to stop taking her out to lunch or dinner, she made remarks about the staff, decor and anything else that she wasn't impressed with. She's very loud and it was just so embarrassing. Anything for attention even making a big scene. Her grandchildren won't invite to her any school or social events, apart from the fact she turns up looking like mutton dressed as lamb. Died red hair, orange face and she wears goth clothes, and things she still has it going on',

[Psuedonym]

This is frighteningly correct, Spirit in the sky,

Them the narc resents the fact you have a life of your own, in their mind your still young and have a future. They know it's all downhill for them and they want to take you down with them.

The jealousy is very thinly contained. In the past I've gotten 'well, you lhave a pretty nice life' when she'd been especially nasty, as if to say a) I hadn't earned the life I have which I've achieved despite her best efforts, b) it's unfair to her, and c) so it's okay if she does her best to add as much negativity and despair as she can to it. This, more than anything, is why I"m now NC with her. You realize at a certain point that there agenda is the following:

a) its your job to fix their lives.
b) when you inevitably fail to fix their lives because their misery is self inflicted, you have no right to still be happy.
c) it's perfectly fine and just for them to try to drag you down with them. then they at least feel better, because they have company.

I think that's the toughest thing for people who did not grow up with a PD to understand. Their wanting you to be happy is conditional on making them happy. If they are not happy, they genuinley wish for you to be miserable too. That's a hard one to wrap your head around, until you can accept that it's the same mentality a 4 year old has.

[Sweetbriar]

@Psuedonym

So right. The old saying "misery loves company" is true, esp. with PD's.

The doubt in me is fading. My parents are not just unhappy elderlies. They are disordered. The gambling, to the point that they are in debt. My father's hoarding, which he intends to leave my sibling and I to deal with. The outright insults to me when I visit, and the never asking how I am doing? Selfish. Mean. The silent treatments and grimacing expression when I don't behave the way my father wants me to. The asking me for money, when they talk only about their outings to the casino and I know my father has an excellent pension. They own a house and cottage (more than I do) and come to ask me for $$. The strange way my father would swoop in on our elderly relatives when they had been diagnosed with cancer, and become the best friend and confident of the person, and then end up getting willed the person's car. The unwillingness of my father to share his cottage with my sister and me and our familes - because he filled it up with junk. We lost so many years of family happiness because of that - and still he wants us to dote on him?

No doubt. He's not normal. I don't know what he is. I can't do it anymore. It's time for me to take care of the traumatized person that is a result of all my parent's unhealthy and cruel choices from the time I was born until now. There were a number of years where they didn't trouble me. Of course it was when I needed them because I had a young child and (if they had been healthy people) I sure would have been grateful for the help. Would have loved to see them have a relationship with their grandchild. But no.

It hasn't been until they are desperate that they try to enforce their will on me. They're users. I'm so tired of it. And I'm so tired of feeling guilty for not wanting to be close to them.

[Fortuna]

You have a husband and kids to take care of and you went Every. Single. Day. At that point it's a job you deserve a day off. This is that whole unrealistic expectations they have. They up and up and up the requirements until you can't possibly meet them without going insane and when you finally falter they look at you like you are worthless for not being able to do the impossible.

[p123]

P123, I had all that with my mother in law. She traded on her looks to get attention and never had any hobbies or interests. As everyone around her 'got a life' she still thought she was the centre of everyones world. My brother in law and his family escaped and only visited 3-4 times a year.

She was so jealous of her friends getting any attention (she's 73 years old and constantly posting selfies on Facebook) and getting more 'likes' that she blocked them. Because my husband and I live 10 minutes away she expected us to drop everything and amuse her. Then if she didn't go along with her plans she got nasty and spiteful.

We too had to stop taking her out to lunch or dinner, she made remarks about the staff, decor and anything else that she wasn't impressed with. She's very loud and it was just so embarrassing. Anything for attention even making a big scene. Her grandchildren won't invite to her any school or social events, apart from the fact she turns up looking like mutton dressed as lamb. Died red hair, orange face and she wears goth clothes, and things she still has it going on',

Ha ha - Oh my Dads behaviour in restaurants is appalling. Trouble is he flaps and blusters....

When I took him out boxing day he kept on that he "wasnt paying for the salad". I told him about 20 times its included but he still had to stop the waiter and ask him rudely. Same with the food he was, really loudly saying "wheres the food how long does it take?" abut 10 times. I said "Dad exactly what is the rush"
I had to apologise to the waiter after we left - there is just no need to behave like this.

He also uses meals out to prove to me how ill he is. He walks about 1/2 mile when hes home yet in a restaurant he literally takes 1 inch steps to get to the bathroom, wildly grabs onto me as if hes falling. Then when he gets back to his seat he'll sit there mop his brow, huff and puff, and sit there saying "oh dear, oh dear, oh dear". Its just crazy because I know the day before hes walked 1/2 mile, crossed a busy road to put a bet on the horses!

He used to be worse when we invited him to our house. Shuffled around, moaned etc and treated my family like crap. I dont invite him now.

[Adrianna]

This is frighteningly correct, Spirit in the sky,

Them the narc resents the fact you have a life of your own, in their mind your still young and have a future. They know it's all downhill for them and they want to take you down with them.

The jealousy is very thinly contained. In the past I've gotten 'well, you lhave a pretty nice life' when she'd been especially nasty, as if to say a) I hadn't earned the life I have which I've achieved despite her best efforts, b) it's unfair to her, and c) so it's okay if she does her best to add as much negativity and despair as she can to it. This, more than anything, is why I"m now NC with her. You realize at a certain point that there agenda is the following:

a) its your job to fix their lives.
b) when you inevitably fail to fix their lives because their misery is self inflicted, you have no right to still be happy.
c) it's perfectly fine and just for them to try to drag you down with them. then they at least feel better, because they have company.

I think that's the toughest thing for people who did not grow up with a PD to understand. Their wanting you to be happy is conditional on making them happy. If they are not happy, they genuinley wish for you to be miserable too. That's a hard one to wrap your head around, until you can accept that it's the same mentality a 4 year old has.

Spot on. Your a, b and c comments summarize it all really.

Narcissists are stunted emotionally at a young age so it makes sense that this is their MO, however, as an adult, it's just close to impossible to really understand that type of mentality. It's understandable and excusable in a 5 year old but so outrageously offensive and hurtful from an adult, especially one that society tells you is supposed to "care" about you.