Christmas drama

Started by Orangeblossom77, January 05, 2020, 08:15:58 AM

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Orangeblossom77

My elderly dad lives alone and is a hoarder. I have been keeping quite distant - he had carers coming in to him arranged by the council but he told them to go away. So stuff builds up, and he doesn't take his meds etc.

Anyway New Years day he rang me from hospital he had cut himself on come of his hoarded stuff and been taken in. Big drama about his being discharged or not with the hospital ringing me (he had given them my number as next of kin) His accommodation saying it was not safe but the hospital saying he was safe to go home medically.

Anyway they took him home and my sibling is going to try see if it is safe.

Lots of FOG around - thought it had gone but accommodation place making me feel bad, saying he 'needs us to be his voice'. I had lots of prettification as a child after he had an affair and my mum divorced him. So now he lives alone.

I'm not rushing to help though as he seems to thrive on that. In the past he has had medical dramas I think maybe for the attention but more sure. The warden's comment made me squirm a but, also sibling and his wife now saying will need to get Power of Attorney and do I want it as well. (I have said no)

He has no assets but all council run (UK) in a way that is easier, less to deal with and this warden seems to recognise his needs. My worse fear is he loses his tenancy due to the hoarding (a social services assessment is going to take place now -of his needs but guess they will inspect it also). He is meant to keep his housing a 'reasonable standard'. We will see. I guess they can't just take it away as he would be considered vulnerable and in need of support.

I do live miles away which in a way makes things easier. I'm so torn as he is never nasty and shouty or anything but just difficult in other days. very kind of draining and emotional, constantly declaring his love for me etc. and doing this like vanishing and I have police at the door that sort if thing. He never seems down but upbeat despite his situation, but he denies needing help and gets in a  muddle.

Just writing it down to get it off my mind really. I also have a family of my own and been trying to get the children ready for starting school after the holidays. It is bringing back memories of being a child and being expected to look after him then.

I see my sibling rushing around trying to keep them happy. (mum also upd, lives separately). I am NC with her - she believes I am a 'drug addict' and all sorts. Sibling does things like takes her their cat to look after then goes to pick it up, hundreds of miles round trip. Also to dads to help him clear up.

I think because my sibling and his wife are doing this stuff it makes me feel kind of lazy not getting involved but it's not that simple is it. It can be enabling as well. She could get her own cat. She doesn't want one. My dad turned away help now got in a mess and sibling steeping in to sort it out. (the housing place said they couldn't clear it up as didn't have access or something, despite a cleaner going in.

Anyway my sibling seems very anxious about my dad. Seems to think he can't do simple things or remember stuff. But the physio in the hospital said my dad could shower himself independently and walk well. And, I noticed although he didn't have his phone, my dad was able to memorise my home number, get a nurse to lend him their phone and call me. So he is not that bad. (sibling said well that is not short term memory though)

It feels to me like sibling and his wife feel I am dismissing their concerns about how 'bad' my dad is. How much he suffers. But that's not the case. I just don't trust him. He lies to me. He told me the picture fell off the wall on his foot. (to deny hoarding). Also, yes he does not eat well or live like others and that is the way he is.

Oh today I just felt awful and like a bad daughter not 'stepping up'. But at the same time cross and angry. Because it was preventable. And i also have other family members struggling with things like cancer and trying to support them

lkdrymom

You aren't a bad daughter. You see things for how they really are and you are preserving yourself. Sometimes you just can't help people. Your brother hasn't figured out that one yet. There is no way I would consider helping someone who was abusive towards me.

Orangeblossom77

"There is no way I would consider helping someone who was abusive towards me." This is the thing. He has always been kind to me in many ways. Just expected me to look after him a bit too much. So in my case with my dad, he also had my mum to deal with who was harsher. he is more of an En dad really. So, my aim is more to step back and not let him lean on me too much / engulf me, but I don;t want to see him come to harm when services can step in. It is a balance really. I feel my siblings might be in danger or getting too involved / responsible / enmeshed. Standing back might allow services to take over more.

p123

OB - Sounds a very familiar tale to me. Sibling in my experience make things worse. Take it from me - look after you're own family first - I made that mistake for years and it almost cost me a lot.

Orangeblossom77

#4
"making it worse" Yes that reminds me of something. My upd mum's mum had dementia (or something like it- unsure if ongoing as was a child at the time) anyway, as she aged my mum did all sorts of reactive stuff but none of it really helped. For example moving the family across the country to be closer (moving our schools and friends, very disruptive really, twice). But she was still too far to help with anything really and granny used to e.g. hide food under the bed. That all ended up with a big fuss as mum's siblings decided gran needed to go into a home- but knowing my mum would kick off didn't tell her - resulted in a huge fall out! Then on top there was  horrible squabbling over who had first digs on the contents of her house (unpleasant)

I remember all that going on as a child. And it was not nice, for me. Need to remember that for my DC- who are approaching some important exams in the next year or two. Focus on them.

In this occasion, as dad gave the hospital my number and discussed him with me, my siblings is now saying 'he wished he could have talked to them' - he wasn't happy they let him go home and wanted him assessed for other accommodation. So now that 'blame' seems to be falling on me. Well, maybe next time I will just tell them to contact him instead. I'm unsure about this power of attorney might be a mixed blessing for my sibling- I hear in other cases social services take that over. Might result in more stuff being allocated to him. But then he chose to bring it up and discuss it, and to take it on.  Thanks