Grandfather keeps giving me things to give my mother...

[jennsc85]

I'm mainly on the PD parents board but basically... my mother is uBPD/N and I've been in very minimal contact with her for the past 2 years. I've seen her 3 times in 2 years now and otherwise only communicate via email once in awhile. This came after her threatening me with elder abuse, hurting herself and threatening to tell people I did it, involving my children in arguments, not letting me leave her house, laying down on the driveway behind my car, calling me horrible names, physically assaulting me....

Just give a little snippet of why I'm VVVVVLC.

So, my grandfather is in his mid 90s and in a nursing home. I go with my 3 kids to visit him at least once a week. I've recently in the past few years realized he has a lot of N characteristics.  But, he has done so much for me... all the way up til I was in high school he'd take me to school when my mother wouldn't get out of bed, he gave me lunch money when my parents didn't, he watched my oldest daughter for me when no one else would while I worked, even as an adult he was the only person who ever gave me any help at all, money wise. He's helped DH out with things before and helped me pay big medical bills. So... I guess in some ways I feel indebted to him.

Well recently he's been giving me things to give to my mother. First it was something perishable. I hesitantly went to my mother's house and gave it to her and had a bad experience. I told my grandfather as much, and he said he had another perishable gift that needed delivered but that I should just as my DH to do it. He did. Well, the following week he gave me more things to give to her and said DH can do it. I told him DH works late and doesn't exactly want to go visit my mother at 8PM. This last time, DH didn't do it by the date he requested but he did later on. My grandfather sent me tons of passive texts about being so sorry he put me in the middle and "if I live to be 100 I'll never do this again."

I went and visited him today and he lit into me about DH not delivering the package on time.  He said we are ungrateful, he said he's mad at DH, he can't believe we can't do this for him, he did things for me after 8PM so why can't DH.... just a whole rant for over an hour. THEN! He gave me something else. I told him I would send it via the post office or something... he told me it's something that can't be delivered.

Would I be terrible to go against his wishes and just send it through the mail?? I don't know how to handle this because he steamrolls over me if I say I'm not going to do it.

[Fiasco]

Yikes Jenn what a crappy position to be in. You definitely need to nip this behavior in the bud. Of course the post office is reasonable. I don't know if he's meaning to play a game with you or he just has something going on with age related cognitive decline, but either way, post office is plenty.

One more thought, maybe the nursing home offers mailing out of packages/letters. If so you'd be best to refer him to those services.

[WomanInterrupted]

Checking with the nursing home to see if they offer any sort of mailing service is a great idea! 

If not, your offer of taking the item to the post office is more than reasonable - and if your grandfather doesn't like it, too bad.  Your mother will receive nothing from him because you're not *obligated* to be his errand girl, nor is your DH obligated to be his errand boy.   

It really sounds like he's trying to stir the pot, for some reason, and he's trying to get you involved in your mom's life again, which is a REALLY bad idea. 

If things are fine the way they are, then things are fine the way they are and he doesn't get to cause unrest or force unwanted contact.

If he won't stop, you've got a couple of options:

1.  Tell him to figure out how to get things to your mom, without  your help.  If he starts to rant at you, LEAVE *immediately.*

2.  Cut your visits back to once every other week, or once a month - and if he still behaves badly, cut your visits back even further. 

Personally, I'd go VVVVVVLC with him, too.  It's not worth your time to visit somebody who is only going to get worse as he ages, and demand more from you.

[Amadahy]

Jenn,
Isn't your mom sorta more self sufficient now that she's got a bf? Let them go get said items! And, yes, cut these visits back. You've got your hands full with your sweet FOC.

My grandparents gave me money and stuff, too, so I know about feeling obligated, but just remember in the mind of a pd person (or some similar) you can never do enough!  Why try? 

[lkdrymom]

Two things...yes it is ok to send through the mail.

Secondly...don't stay for an hour long rant. And don't take anymore stuff from him. You do realize he is doing this just to force you to have contact with your mother, right? He doesn't get to make that decision for you.