I Am Not Enough - and I'm ok with that - here's why

Spring Butterfly · January 06, 2020, 02:43:28 PM

First let me preface by saying - folks we need to finish that sentence. It needs to read "I am not enough for you"

This is something that's been a lifelong struggle, the message in my toxic and dysfunctional upbringing, the message I took up and carried through my life, why I became codependent, trying desperately to be enough for everyone and everything to the point it impaired even my spiritual life, this idea that I am not enough.

Here was my huge aha moment this month, how it all comes together and how I think this is the lightbulb moment that will close the door on this kind of broken thinking for me. I've been listening to podcasts and meditations trying to get past this and maybe making some headway but finally in an unexpected way I think it's happened so I want to share it with you. Maybe it will resonate and help you.

My sibling slammed me over something I did (or rather failed to do) months ago. Yes that's right, for the past few months I'm getting the cold shoulder and finally it was thrown in my face. Here's what it boils down to - I failed to show the right amount of drama in response to an update.

That's right folks - I am not enough, not enough drama. That's what it really boils down to and it came to me after a few hours of processing what's been going on not just the past few months but since my entire childhood, into adulthood and up to the recent few years.

I am not enough for them and I'm ok with that, I am not enough for them, have never been enough and will never be enough. No human could possibly be enough. I've realized for years there's a hole in their soul so large no one can fill it. Actually no human is responsible to fill another human at all - it's just not realistically possible. Each human is responsible to become whole in and of themselves, not that we don't need other humans but in that no human can make another human complete as a person. I acknowledged all that but just didn't connect that whole concept to the "not enough" message I've accepted and carried my entire life.

Meanwhile some desperately try to fill the hole in their soul with things - hoarding, alcohol, drugs, disassociation of various kinds, we're all familiar. Then they try to use Fear Obligation Guilt to stuff us into the hole in their soul. Pitifully grabbing anyone and anything to stuff into the hole.

Unless they are the center of my universe, I am not enough. If I have my own needs or boundaries, I am not enough. Even when I poured myself into the endless pits of need, spending all day pouring my soul into their needs I was not enough. There was always some failing, more need, no wonder I grew up and continued to feel not enough. How could any human be enough? Even showing sincere interest isn't enough if there isn't the expected amount of drama. Don't get me started on expectations...

[sidebar soliloquy...] Sorry I'm just not a mind reader. I have no idea what your expectations are and even if I did I doubt I could meet them. They're too high for any human, even a superhuman to reach. But no I don't know what the acceptable level of drama is for each of your very dramatic moments of each and every dramatic day. Yes I understand in your mind your drama needs to be my drama but I unsubscribed from your drama years ago and can only be here to support you with caring peaceful words.

Back to topic. So no, I am not enough - for some people - and that's really quite alright. Actually since I accepted my limitations and started having needs and boundaries I realized this morning all the people currently in my life think I'm quite enough, actually more than enough, more than sufficient. I'm quite pleased and happy with the peace it's created by my not being enough for the dysfunctional people because they get angry and stay away.

So no please I beg all humans, if you judge me as not enough that's great! Then I feel no pressure, no guilt, no obligation, no fear. Thanks so much and I'll just stick with fellow humans who are ok with my limitations, ok with the fact that I'm human, ok with the fact that I tend to my own needs, ok that I'm happy with whatever words or thoughts of peace and wellness anyone chooses to send my way, ok that I'm a gentle and peaceful person, ok that I lack drama, and who accept whatever I can do with joy and gratitude.

I am enough
I am enough for me
I am enough for anyone who thinks I'm enough
I am enough just because I breathe and exist
If I do nothing except exist and do not harm you with intent then I am enough

and if that's not enough for you then I'm ok with that... really it's ok.

Brooke · January 06, 2020, 08:11:53 PM

Well said.

Congratulations to you for having this epiphany, especially since so many of us are going to relate. You've turned on a lightbulb for me, that's for sure.

Psuedonym · January 07, 2020, 11:23:20 AM

Hey Spring Butterfly,

Thanks for the post! I knew when I read the title what you were getting at, and I too, think it's an incredibly freeing realization.

This is from a collection of things I've read about boundaries, etc. but the essence is: if you've always been taught that it's your job to fix someone else or make someone else better, than you'll always be failing at that job. The 'not enough' comes from that place, and it also logically falls on you that, since you are the one who's failing, then it's also within your power to fix what's broken. Once you realize that it's not only not your job, but that it's an impossible job that no one on earth could accomplish, it makes it much easier to realize you were false impression that you ever could change any of it.

freedom77 · January 07, 2020, 12:16:42 PM

Thank you Spring Butterfly for the thoughtful and insightful post.

I too have recently had a very akin realization.

Growing up and to this very day, my BPD/N mother has always expected unadulterated, and unrealistic measures of loyalty. For instance, if you did not completely agree with her on every topic and the action she took, then you were not loyal, and if you are not loyal to her per her definition of which, then you are against her, and if you're against her, then you are a garbage person. And if you're a garbage person then that makes it perfectly okay and reasonable for her to abuse you. You deserve it. In fact, it's her duty to tear you down. Such sick twisted thinking.

And bravo for the insight on "the level of reaction" expectation. Mother does the same thing. If she's telling you a story and you don't react with a high amount of intense drama as she expects you too, she will either rage or sulk, or both. It really is quite draining.

But boy the peace one feels once you unsubscribe to it, what a great way you said that, unsubscribe. I like that.

Spring Butterfly · January 07, 2020, 01:10:39 PM

Wow some really profound stuff, thanks all. This is my experience too "since you are the one who's failing, then it's also within your power to fix what's broken" but also if I'm the one failing then I am at fault, wrong, malfunctioning, etc.

Kiki81 · January 07, 2020, 06:40:15 PM

Great post! Thank you

Duck · January 08, 2020, 12:58:45 AM

This is beautiful and very helpful to me right now.

bloomie · January 10, 2020, 09:44:43 AM

Quote from: Spring Butterflyno, I am not enough - for some people - and that's really quite alright. Actually since I accepted my limitations and started having needs and boundaries I realized this morning all the people currently in my life think I'm quite enough, actually more than enough, more than sufficient. I'm quite pleased and happy with the peace it's created by my not being enough for the dysfunctional people because they get angry and stay away.

So no please I beg all humans, if you judge me as not enough that's great! Then I feel no pressure, no guilt, no obligation, no fear. Thanks so much and I'll just stick with fellow humans who are ok with my limitations, ok with the fact that I'm human, ok with the fact that I tend to my own needs, ok that I'm happy with whatever words or thoughts of peace and wellness anyone chooses to send my way, ok that I'm a gentle and peaceful person, ok that I lack drama, and who accept whatever I can do with joy and gratitude.

I am enough
I am enough for me
I am enough for anyone who thinks I'm enough
I am enough just because I breathe and exist
If I do nothing except exist and do not harm you with intent then I am enough

and if that's not enough for you then I'm ok with that... really it's ok.

Oh, yes it is really okay to be found not enough! Love this so much. Copied this to my journal.

Jenny134 · January 10, 2020, 10:30:59 AM

Thank you Spring Butterfly for your clarity on this. Not enough is exactly where ive been all my life and more so since ive stopped trying to fix unpdm's life by agreeing with her every word, every opinion and reacting to her nonsence stories about people slighting her. Im now in the nasty person category as far as shes concerned, so i have finally as you say 'unsubscribed' from it all!

MIB · January 12, 2020, 10:41:32 PM

Thank you, Spring Butterfly, for this insightful and very helpful post. Hugs!

all4peace · January 14, 2020, 11:01:31 AM

SB, this post hit me impactfully days ago when I read it first. I keep thinking about it. Both PDs, and those of us damaged by them, I believe can have big old holes in us that seem like they will never get filled. It is a profound realization to come to the point that we finally understand it is not the work of another human to fill that hole.

I have been shocked to have a very toxic core belief about myself recently bubble to the surface. Your "I am enough" is the balm to soothe that wound and argue the lie that my subconscious has been speaking to my heart, mind and soul since I was a tiny child. "If I do nothing except exist and do not harm you with intent then I am enough." is absolutely profound. When I think of the grief I have brought upon myself and others by not fundamentally understanding this...it is rather breathtaking.

I am enough. You are enough. I have been also living in the dawning beauty of freshly seeing that my husband is enough; my kids are enough; my friends are enough. They don't need to be perfect. They don't need to be perfect for me. I don't need to be perfect, or perfect for them. We simply are. And that is enough.

Thank you for putting words to what has been starting to take shape from the depths of my soul.