It took a 180

[Pepin]

Yesterday we ran into a former neighbor from our past.  This has been the second time in the last year or so.  She clearly saw us and we saw her out of the corner of our eye -- no verbal exchange.  But wow, what a change in her.  I'd be lying if I said that she was just the way she used to be....but no.  This is the woman in the neighborhood that was the fitness freak and literally was living off of grapefruit, drank light beer, fake boobs, tan, glossy hair, designer athletic wear, probably had different sneakers for each day of the week, etc.  It was intimidating being around her.  Couldn't figure out how she had the time to do what she did...ok, it was great the way she took care of her body but what I didn't appreciate is the way that somehow, all the other neighbors thought she was a goddess!  I just couldn't see what they saw.  Every holiday was celebrated around her....her birthday was a HUGE deal and even her husband's birthday.  They as a couple just seemed to set the pace for how we all should be and my other neighbors couldn't get enough.  No one else's birthday was celebrated with such excitement -- or even celebrated.  Parties weren't planned for other neighbors just because...

I was stunned to see how different this neighbor looked.  And it made me realize that I look great.  I'm not a fitness nut and I mostly eat well...and I definitely don't push any of my agendas on anyone else.  And here I am, eyes wide open...my once fit neighbor is bigger than me.  I guess she doesn't subscribe to her grapefruit diet or hitting the gym for a few hours a day.  Doesn't matter.  What matters is that I used to compare myself to her, thinking that she was the benchmark.  I am heavier now than when we used to live near each other...but I'm good with that because I like the way I look.  Seeing that she cannot maintain the "perfection" that was once lorded throughout the entire neighborhood as a standard of measurement makes me understand that we are all ok being who we are.  I wish back then that I had understood this....years of feeling horrible and hiding from everyone was a waste of my time.  But I just didn't know...

It has been such a relief to have moved on from that street.  So much dysfunction.  Too many ring leaders.  Those were some of the loneliest years of my life.  And I got out and survived.

[mdana]

Hi Pepin!

I think it's human nature to compare ourselves to others, actually.  We are social animals (in the animal kingdom) and live in a "pack", so we have the tendency to compare ourselves as a way of surviving in the world.  We also use "mirroring" as a source of reality (or groundedness) --so that when we say something hurtful -- we actually know it's hurtful based on how others react. 

I hope your neighbor friend is ok.  It sounds like she has lived a difficult/painful life --- one in which image has taken center stage (as far as discerning her own worth).

M

[1footouttadefog]

Glad you feel good about your self. 

I feel sad for people who live in a world where they are valued superficially.  There is not much to fall back on when they fall from favor or are devalued by their Narcisstic fair weather friends. 

This woman may also be the victim of of people even if she is one herself.  It's a sad place to be.

I remember this one couple who went to a church we attended.  They were like rock stars.  Everyone practically tripped over each other to talk with them after church.  The husband held the baby facing outward like he was showing off a special bag of flower with it sitting on his hand and his hand on the back of the bag.  People could not get enough of trying to cater to this couple.  It was comical to watch in a way but sad in others.

[SparkStillLit]

Maybe don't judge for how he held the baby, though. My daughter wouldn't tolerate being held like a regular baby, even when she was a little infant. She had to SEE and you had to hold her facing out, or she'd scream the universe and every atom apart.
You can never tell what's going on in people's lives.

[1footouttadefog]

Okay maybe a pass on the baby thing, but it was a sure case of narcs and the narc supply groupies, to an extreme. I still think he was keeping his shirt clean however.  He would toss baby back to wife as soon as attention opportunities were passed