BPD Mother is part of a bigger picture - finally starting to make sense of life!

Started by workinprogress2018, January 07, 2020, 06:56:09 AM

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workinprogress2018

Hello,

Thank you for reading my intro.

I am a woman in my 40s and I grew up the eldest of two children, with an alcoholic, emotionally abusive and distant father, and a mother who I now believe to have BPD with all the behaviours that entails. I have been estranged from my father for 20+ years since my parents divorced as he cut all contact with us all and just doesn't respond, not even to the news that he had become a grandfather. So he doesn't loom as large in my life as my mother. I always felt I 'got' him and why he was the way he was, based on my understanding of his own family history, personality, and some similarities to myself, etc.  I have made peace with that relationship in many ways, although there is a very deep well of pain.

My mother on the other hand, has always felt like an anomaly to me. A mystery, an irrational, unpredictable being who needs more than I can ever give and whose possible future needs come before my present, actual needs.  A woman whose behaviours do not make sense when I look at her parents, her circumstances.  A woman who will not share what she really thinks or feels and will never tell you what she wants, she instead designs elaborate guessing games based on small facial movements, or saying one thing and meaning another and so on and changes her mind when I least expect it.  Being very psychologically minded, this has driven me to distraction over the years, knowing that something is wrong, but that it is 'normal' to me also, but being unable to make sense of her, all the while trying to pacify and keep the abuse, guilt trips and neediness at bay, immediately feeling the weight of my error if I fought back, ignored or criticised her. 

My own journey has been a tricky one. A sensitive child, who found herself in a parent/child role reversal with my mother at around 13, I learned codependent behaviours growing up and exercised these in my marriage in my twenties to a man whom I loved dearly, but who was addicted to internet pornography.  This relationship ended in heartbreak and divorce and I found myself with Major Depressive Disorder and a sense that my life wasn't worth living. This prompted some CBT and then a radical overhaul of my life over the next two to three years, which included minimising stress, organising myself and coming to terms with my sexuality, something I had been terrified of expressing thus far in my life, due to the fear of disapproval from my mother and not feeling free to be who I really am. It was the first time I had ever asked 'What do *I* want?'. What a huge, huge weight off me to reach some small level of acceptance of myself!  The response from my family was horrendous and we barely spoke for about a year. I was verbally abused by my mother and my sister, which I had fully expected. But, I thought life was pretty much sorted now. I'd cracked it!

I did much work on myself and have continued to do so since, but still always feeling 'different', 'other', 'not normal' in so many ways. So my sexuality was a part of the answer, but not all.

I have endured Impostor Syndrome all of my life, despite a successful career in business and worked high octane jobs of ten hour days with a ten minute lunch break and so on, high stress, high demand, high pressure, 'Hey, don't worry, I'll sort it for you!' stuff. A classic 'rescuer'.  I took the pace down a few notches over time as I was increasingly catching colds and flu.  Still drinking gallons of coffee, smoking and drinking to keep me going/unwind mind you.  'Go hard or go home!' they say.  'Do it properly or not at all!' I though.  I thought my new 'low stress' lifestyle was really sorted now that I had taken up running and cycling on top of slightly less long hours - this cancels stress out, right? All good!

Until major surgery in 2015 led to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.  I woke up, but never recovered.  Body shut down.  Body broken. My efforts at lifestyle change, though well intentioned, had been too little too late and not at the fundamental personal levels required. My 'low stress'  lifestyle (according to my scale of stress) was still hugely stressful in fact and without rest, relaxation or peace.  So I have been learning these past few years about self care.  Not just the nutritious diet and running that I used to do when 'well'. But the emotional side for example.  I didn't even know that there was such a thing as emotional self care. I didn't realise my needs were as important as anybody else's and for another thing I didn't realise that taking care of my finances was self care. 

I have worked so very hard to change my ways, my beliefs and my self care and made incremental progress with my energy month on month, year on year. I believe CFS does not have to be a chronic illness and Western medicine has a lot to answer for, telling you that it is chronic and cannot be cured. If it came to you, it can go from you. 

Counselling the last two years has been the most wonderful thing that I have probably ever done, despite it throwing light on trust issues I never knew I had and having to find immense courage that I didn't know I had either. It is horrible, uncomfortable, terrifying and wonderful all at once. I am so thankful for it and will continue the journey for as long as it takes. Years and years of chronic stress destroying the body, years and years of stored emotions unprocessed - the roots of CFS seem obvious now.

Having exhausted external means of self care (I live like a nun now!), I have ramped up my internal efforts in the last few months and this is what brings me here.  In the last week or so I have made two very important discoveries. Firstly, I believe that the key to my full CFS recovery lies in never having realised and furthermore accepted that I am a Highly Sensitive Person (because my mother shamed and mocked me for those characteristics). I have therefore tried to fit into a world not best suited to me.  I am now tuning into my needs without dismissing them as 'not valid' because I am 'too sensitive', but treating them as totally and utterly valid and important because, genetically, physically, this is how I am, it isn't going to change or go away, and these are the things I need. 

Secondly, quite by chance, whilst listening to a podcast about emotionally abusive mothers, I assumed that the reference to BPD would not apply, yet hearing that outline of characteristics and sub types made me wake up to reality.  This was my mother.  Here was my answer. Despite having had a friendship in my twenties with someone with BPD (in which I was treated wonderfully and then discarded forever) and having dated someone with BPD and other diagnoses more recently, I still hadn't made the link, perhaps because they had slightly different presentations.  Now I have made the link and my mother FINALLY makes sense. 

I am now left with some peace - I no longer have to keep trying to work out 'what is wrong here?', 'why is she like this?', 'why would she say that?', 'where on earth is all this coming from?' 'Why doesn't she make any sense?'.  This will spare me much mental and emotional energy.  I am also still filled with rage and anger at her behaviours (particularly her emotional abuse of me), which continue and my own frustration that she cannot be more like me and others who seek help, seek growth.  I can say with certainty that this will never happen, so I must work to accept her as she is but learn to somehow manage the impact she has on me.

My sympathy for her has been exhausted, I am emotionally exhausted and the last few months I have felt that I cannot face one more conversation with her.  Every conversation drains me at a time when I have nothing left to give and what little I have must be used for my own healing.  I hope to learn from others what can be done to protect myself at a time when I am most vulnerable and weak (physically) and when due to her ageing she is becoming worse.  Not a good combination.

I have tried to change things with her many times in my life and thought there was something wrong with me, that it must be *me* who had poor boundaries because enforcing them with her led to such manipulation, rage and outbursts.  What a relief to know that my boundaries *are* good enough for everyday life where the other person does not have a PD, I am not inadequate for struggling to enforce them only with her. It has been like trying to push a lorry uphill with the brakes on.  So I realise that that may be a dead end and I have to try something else.

I am now on a mission to continue to learn better who I really am (according to me and not her) and to live my life in accordance with my own needs, wishes and desires and not hers.

I would love to hear if any of this resonates with anybody, especially in the realm of physical health and recovery.  Thank you for reading x

Starboard Song

Quote from: workinprogress2018 on January 07, 2020, 06:56:09 AM
I am now on a mission to continue to learn better who I really am (according to me and not her) and to live my life in accordance with my own needs, wishes and desires and not hers.

I don't share your CFS challenges, but I am 4 years NC with my in-laws, and I see my wife struggle to define herself properly: not bent by the patterns she was taught. I understand the enormous challenge you are addressing and admire the way you laid out such a complex history.

Welcome to Out of the FOG. We all get it, in one way or another. Check out our Toolbox when you get a chance. And peruse relevant topical boards like Dealing With PD Parents. I am sure you'll find out -- in enormous new measure -- that you are not alone.

Be good. Be strong.
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

workinprogress2018

Quote from: Starboard Song on January 07, 2020, 07:44:16 AM
Quote from: workinprogress2018 on January 07, 2020, 06:56:09 AM
I am now on a mission to continue to learn better who I really am (according to me and not her) and to live my life in accordance with my own needs, wishes and desires and not hers.

I don't share your CFS challenges, but I am 4 years NC with my in-laws, and I see my wife struggle to define herself properly: not bent by the patterns she was taught. I understand the enormous challenge you are addressing and admire the way you laid out such a complex history.

Welcome to Out of the FOG. We all get it, in one way or another. Check out our Toolbox when you get a chance. And peruse relevant topical boards. I am sure you'll find out -- in enormous new measure -- that you are not alone.

Be good. Be strong.

Thank you for your words of encouragement, it is certainly a relief to know that I am not alone (and I am not going mad), as I have felt that way for years. I will look at the areas you suggest and I also look forward to supporting others wherever I can.

Hazy111

Hi workinprogress2018,

You certainly are not alone.  As Christine Lawson says in her seminal work "Understanding the Borderline Mother" ( I strongly recommend, but could well be highly triggering) , "To be raised by a Borderline Mother is a tragedy"

Your body like mine and others bears the scars for chronic trauma starting in early childhood. "The body keeps the score" We are all suffering from C-ptsd .  Phil Walkers book another must. "Thriving not Surviving"

Best of luck with your recovery . You were not to blame. We were unlucky. x

workinprogress2018

Hi Hazy111,

Thank you for the recommendations, I will definitely check them out.  There seem to be so many layers to physical recovery, from beliefs about rest through to diet, sleep, genetics, physiology... it's quite a task isn't it? 

It certainly seems that trauma and dysfunction in childhood set us up for many potential health problems which further degrade our quality of life but I am so glad that awareness and support seem to be increasing. 

Before having CFS I thought anything to do with mind and body or emotions and body was 'new age mumbo jumbo' and I was fairly mocking and dismissive in my attitude.  To atone for this I now try to get the word out there as much as I can, as I think the world doesn't always encourage us to pay attention to our minds and bodies in the right way. I certainly didn't and I bought in to the 'go hard or go home' and 'push through' culture of modern life.  How wrong I was!

74VeeDub

Welcome Workinprogress2018! Howdy!  :wave:

I am very much like you...very sensitive, alcoholic father (who has since passed), NPD mother and NPD brother. I found this board last month when my mind and body began to become taxed and exhausted by my NPD brother's neediness. I actually started therapy and it feels good to finally do something for myself.

The tale about me is in my intro if you're curious. Right now, my NPD brother has discarded me and to be fair, I feel used but at the same time, my old self is beginning to come out of hiding, so i'm using this time to heal and grow stronger so that i could move forward with my life. I'm choosing to look at this Discard as a blessing, not a curse. I spent the whole of 2019 being his dumping ground as well as verbal punching bag. It's time for me to take back my life. No better time than now.

So, welcome. This is a good forum with kind folks here.
;D

treesgrowslowly

Welcome!
Yes, a lot of what you wrote resonates. Being the daughter of a narc mother has meant that I lived for a long time before understanding 'self care'.

Self and care. Each has had to be studied and practiced over and over. The strength to survive is obvious un your writing. The strength to do the recovery work too. I am glad you found this forum.

The documentary on HSPs by Elaine Aron was so helpful and validating when I saw it. It is at some library streaming services depending where you live.

Welcome to the forum.

Trees

workinprogress2018

Hi 74VeeDub!

Thank you for the warm welcome.  Your situation sounds really hard to deal with, especially as your living arrangements are involved.

Regarding your brother, I had a friendship with someone I believe to be a narc a few years back and there was what I would a mutual discard (I realised she wasn't a real friend at all and I deserved better, she didn't like my being something other than polite to her royal highness and neither of us ever made contact again), but I found it interesting that even though I didn't wish to stay friends with her, I was still annoyed that she was OK with not being friends.  I think there's something about wanting them to like you and validate you, which they do intermittently, which I think has an addictive quality, like gambling, you get a win but only every so often and you don't know when it will be.  That friendship ended in January 2016 and to be honest it still bugs me!  For some reason this came to mind when reading of your feeling used. 

I think you are absolutely right that it's time for you to do you,  after all, your bro is doing him!  Sometimes I think we move too far away from behaviours of family that we don't like with determination to do the polar opposite (e.g. caring for others instead of being only concerned about ourselves as we see how dysfunctional that is) and we are sometimes then dysfunctional at the opposite end of the spectrum, e.g. giving too much that we make ourselves unwell and neglect our own needs which ultimately benefits nobody.  So we have to try and be 'more like' those whose behaviours we despise and get to the healthy middle ground.  I find this very, very hard as my mother has some narc traits (her needs are the only needs in the world it seems) and I have always loathed the thought of being anything like her and thus have over-given time and time again. The thought of being more like her makes me shiver but I have to do it!

workinprogress2018

Hi Trees,

Thank you for your post and your welcome. It's just tragic to have been deprived of our selves for so many years.  I love how you split self and care, I never thought of it that way - thank you.  Before starting counselling I didn't even know what a 'sense of self' was.  The irony.  Yes, you are right,practice, practice, practice.  Sheer determination to change something so ingrained.  Not only was there no self care of any kind being modelled at home by either parent (both were in fact grinding themselves into the ground), but my attempts at self care have always been mocked and demeaned so it has felt like an uphill battle.

There are certainly days that I feel totally fed up with trying to care for myself and the energy it demands of me, I am still working on the underlying worthlessless which says 'But why would you take care of yourself?'.  Counselling is a great form of self care for me but again, I have an underlying question, 'I see and feel that she cares. But why does she care? What's in it for her?' That was a powerful realisation that I think relationships with PDs teach us that there's got to be something in it for them, something to gain.  The concept of caring because you are a human being and so are they, is foreign.  I can do that for others in spades, but why would anybody do that for me?  It hurts deeply when you wish for acceptance and love from your parents without having to provide something for them to 'earn' it.  In any case, we are striving for something that will never happen.  As a child I used to hope that if I satisfied my Mother and somehow solved her unhappiness, fear and endless stress and irritation, she would finally be free to be kind and loving towards me.

I will certainly look at the HSP documentary, thank you for that.

FogDawg

Quote from: workinprogress2018 on January 07, 2020, 06:56:09 AMMy sympathy for her has been exhausted, I am emotionally exhausted and the last few months I have felt that I cannot face one more conversation with her.  Every conversation drains me at a time when I have nothing left to give and what little I have must be used for my own healing.  I hope to learn from others what can be done to protect myself at a time when I am most vulnerable and weak (physically) and when due to her ageing she is becoming worse.  Not a good combination.

I have tried to change things with her many times in my life and thought there was something wrong with me, that it must be *me* who had poor boundaries because enforcing them with her led to such manipulation, rage and outbursts.  What a relief to know that my boundaries *are* good enough for everyday life where the other person does not have a PD, I am not inadequate for struggling to enforce them only with her. It has been like trying to push a lorry uphill with the brakes on.  So I realise that that may be a dead end and I have to try something else.

I can relate very well to these two paragraphs in particular, except it is my father. I am sorry. No one should have to endure so much that they are left questioning if there is something wrong with themself due to the treatment. It is sad that not everyone winds up with actual parents and, instead, wind up beaten down by those who are supposed to offer love unconditionally. Take care of yourself. I hope that it gets easier in time.

sarandro

Hi workinprogress2018,
Welcome...
Your post could have been written by me...many of the things you have said are so close to home. (see my other posts)

Over many, many years, I also have tried to have a meaningful relationship with her, not realising that she had a PD...didn't know what that was until I came here.
I tried to confide in her about my feelings, my fragile mental state, to be told that only weak people needed to talk about those things...only damaged people took anti depressants!
The concept of self care never crossed my mind, I was told that it was selfish to work on yourself.

Hopefully, using this forum and the lovely folk here, you will be able to find the support and understanding you need.



workinprogress2018

Quote from: FogDawg on January 08, 2020, 12:34:39 PM
It is sad that not everyone winds up with actual parents and, instead, wind up beaten down by those who are supposed to offer love unconditionally.

Hi FogDawg, thank you for your response, you have summed it up very well indeed. There is much to come to terms with, especially as neither parent acted as protection or respite from the other parent. It's also very hard to explain the concept of not having had parents to those who have enjoyed 'good enough' parents, so this space is a very valuable space to be able to express these sentiments and to receive validation and understanding such as yours, thank you.

workinprogress2018

Hi Sarandro! 

Goodness me there are indeed many similarities, my mother has a strong Narc streak and there is much that resonates for me in your posts.  Money as control/power etc resonates, when in a lot of debt she wouldn't lend me the money to pay it off despite having quite a stockpile of cash and me offering her excellent interest on top, she said "Oh no, come on, please be fair, you know I might need it".  As though I was being unreasonable and putting her in a difficult position!  I have never asked for anything, from anyone having been thoroughly independent all my life so it wasn't even easy to ask.

Similar to your mother, she says "Don't worry, when I'm gone you'll have a lot of money", etc.  In other words only when she doesn't 'need' it any more.  I also think she likes it that I am 'kept down' and cannot at present leave a relationship that I am unhappy in, as I am financially stuck.

She is apparently leaving her partner of nearly twenty years, so their house is for sale, when looking for somewhere to move to she insists that she's very depressed that she's "Going down in the world" (i.e. to a home half the budget of her existing home in an area with kudos) and she refuses to even consider a retirement apartment or similar (despite being 79), because she's violently opposed to communal coffee lounges, etc being for "old people" etc etc. "How bloody depressing, I could never live somewhere like that" she says.

I share your sentiments regarding friendships, I have also found that since becoming chronically ill, true friends are thin on the ground, it is hard to trust others and it is hard to find like minded people. I have let many friends go but I believe that by pursuing our interests and our authentic selves, friends will appear along the way.

I have my own business too.  It's wonderful to be in charge of your own destiny and hours, especially when you have health restrictions. 

You seem to have come such a long way in a short time which is so lovely to read and I really admire you going NC.  You certainly sound freer as a result. I certainly feel an affinity for you and have a sibling who cannot comprehend that our mother has a PD,  I think if I suggested it she would be appalled.  It feels very lonely to be the 'crazy one' as you say, the one who fights back and says it as it is.  One of my mother's nicknames for me is "Problem child".  She is quite the charmer!

I heard it said once that "The healthiest person in the family is the one having therapy" and it makes me feel better for being perceived as the problematic one, etc when in fact I am the only one working to heal and change things.  The only one with the courage and desire to break the cycles.  Thank goodness we work on ourselves despite the criticism. :)