A new year ...

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Leonor

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A new year ...
« on: January 07, 2020, 10:04:13 AM »
Hello friends,

So it's a new year and I feel like I am in the midst of major tectonic shifts in my life. We've made major improvements and I wanted to share them here and invite your feedback:

Old experiences: For half the year, H & I bring kids to ils or ils to us at least once a day. Ils or H or kids call each other at least twice daily. Ils and all of us do almost everything together, including meals, outings and playtime. Ils babysit when h & I go out. In addition, h accompanies ils to at least one regularly scheduled doctor's visit, reviews their finances, medications and sundry legal issues, and cleans their home (Yes!)

On top of all that, every visit includes at least one:

A. Medical emergency requiring hospital visit;

B. Financial crisis requiring bank visit;

C. Mental or emotional crisis requiring extended circular arguments and discussions.

D. Big fat argument about one, all or none of the above woth fil, mil or sil.

This visit the Big Boundaries installed are:

1. I am all-out, full-on NC with ils.

2. Ils are not invited to house, are not to call house phone or drop by at any time.

3. All visits between kids and ils are to take place outside, in public, supervised by h for limited amounts of time no more than 2 or 3 times per week when I am not present.

4. H will no longer involve himself with financial, medical, domestic or legal issues of the ils.

5. Sil is not permitted any contact whatsoever with kids.

And this has been okay thus far. Now, we both know that "thus far" means until the ils start to really sense that I am not coming back and h is not taking over, and I am working hard to tolerate the anxiety of "What will they do next?" I have some inklings, but I am also trying not ro ruminate.

We have also done stuff together as a family that was really fun amd saw a lot of friends and visited, which was really nice. I felt good then.

I am also committed to counseling with h to work on all our issues that we have together instead of just focussing on what the problems are with our respective foos, which are encyclopedic.

I am in this place of not knowing what to do, or expect, or even want at this point. I am trying to see the forest instead of this or that tree.

H and kids are going to lunch with ils today and then we travel home. One minute I feel totally ok and reassured and 48 years old  :aaauuugh: (when did that happen?) and other times I feel about six and alone amd abandoned and mad. So I'm going to stay home and take a nap and watch home improvement tv shows.

Thank you for reading. Healing new year to all!










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gettingstronger1

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Re: A new year ...
« Reply #1 on: January 07, 2020, 12:54:48 PM »
Quote from: Leonor
I am also committed to counseling with h to work on all our issues that we have together instead of just focussing on what the problems are with our respective foos, which are encyclopedic.

Leonor, that is great that you and your husband both are getting counseling and you have made changes on what your husband will do for your parents.  Marital counseling has really helped my husband and I in our marriage and dealing with his parents.  Hang in there until you find the right counselor.  Things didn't go well with the first counselor.  She invalidated my experiences of abuse, but the second therapist really understands personality disorders and covert emotional abuse.  Best wishes to you.  :bighug: