How to stop thinking about the ex CN and the roller coaster

[Daized]

I had a 5 year affair with a covert narc. I am not here to defend that or debate the morality of it. I did not set out or plan to become involved with a married man. It happened. I never had fantasies or hopes of his marriage ending nor did I ever wish to hurt anyone. I have been on the other side of the fence and I understand the pain it can cause.

I have mostly untangled myself from this news but I need encouragement and support not to be lured back into the fog.

Here is the real twist to my story and where I would like advice. About two years ago, the affair gradually evolved into an open/poly type of relationship. This was all carefully planned and implemented by the CN. Oddly enough, this shift in dynamics is what finally began to open my eyes as  to what was really going on.

I began to see how he was using me to triangulate his wife. Although at the time I did not have the language or understanding that I do now. I really like and respect his wife. They have been married for a very long time and she is a very bright and empathetic lady.

I have a strong desire to know if the wife knows he is a CN and how he is manipulating her. I am sure I could contact her and have a rational conversation. I am not sure she would not tell her husband. And yes, I am afraid of the possible consequences if he knew.

My gut tells me to walk away and never look back but I really feel so sorry for his wife. There is so much more to this story. It is so bizarre. If I had not lived it, I would never even believe it was true.

Should I try to contact the wife? She may very well know what he's doing. I thought about sending a book to her work anonymously. I just can't get it out of my head.

In my own world. I am not doing well. I have a lot of responsibilities and people who depend upon me.. I feel like my life is only holding together by threads. I feel like somebody flipped a stupid switch in my brain. I am walking around in a daze, emotionally numb. If I begin to let myself feel, it is unbearable.

Will life ever be normal again?

[NumbLotus]

My thought is that you take the wife's temperature by saying something like, "you know, you really deserve to be supported in your career" or something relevant that is NOT directly critical of her husband ("you deserve someone who will encourage you" or "you deserve better than this" are pretty discreet but still the criticism is more direct).

She may shrug it off or defend him. Then the question is, did she do it strongly? Then you know it's a no-go.

If she does it like "yeah, I know, but..." you might drop it but very occasionally say something supportive that still doesn't mention him. If she wants to open up to you, she will.

I agree that it would be dangerous for everybody for you to mention the words "covert narcissist" or even name the behaviors.

Seperately, you do not need to rescue her. This is her problem. If you choose to continue the relationship, do it for reasons other than trying to fix anything between this woman and her husband. If you want to continue, you can model your coping strategies and you can be supportive of her without doing any rescue. And if you want out, you should get out.

[Penny Lane]

Hi Daized and welcome!

The answer to your last question is ... your life will be normal, but it might not ever be the SAME. My guess is that you will have a new superpower that is a narcissism detector. It will help lead you away from situations like this. But you will also see so many more examples of dysfunction that you would've noticed otherwise. Other than that, slowly you will regain the energy and sense of self that were sapped by your time with the narcissist - and, hopefully, it will seem that much sweeter because you felt like you were at risk of losing it.

As for the wife, if it were me I would stay out of it. You don't owe her. You need to put on your own oxygen mask first, and focus on healing. Who knows, maybe your paths will cross in the future and you'll be in a better position to help. Or, maybe someone else will step in to help her where you can't really. But for now, focus on yourself.

I am so glad you found us in this healing process. I highly recommend the toolbox at the top - there are strategies there that will really help your recovery.

[Daized]

Thank you NumbLotus and Penny Lane for the advice and warm welcome. I do think the right answer is to stay out of it. I need to sort out the pieces of my own life and let them deal with their's.

This kind of abuse can be so subtle and so gradual. I would just like the peace of mind of knowing that she is aware. I am going to try and let it go but if I can't, I will employ NumbLotus' advice of taking the wife's temperature. That definitely seems like a much safer approach.

It was easier to recognize what he was doing by observing the dynamics of their relationship first hand. I spent many months reading and researching. Questioning, is he or isn't he? Initially, it was much easier to recognize how he was manipulating her than how he was manipulating me. I can now see how he brainwashed both of us.

Last September, during a phone conversation  I told him very firmly that I no longer wanted to be in this relationship. He hung up almost immediately. There was no discussing it or questions as to why. I had tried many times before to bow out politely but that never worked.

He emailed me around Thanksgiving, asking if we could stay in touch that way. I agreed. I thought I could handle it. I can see now that it was a bad idea. It is only making my recovery worse.

I guess I really had hoped that we could remain friends. Wishful thinking...... I do not feel animosity toward him. I love him and wish the best for him. I can understand how his childhood experiences caused him to be this way. It is just sad. I think there is a good person beneath all that rusty armor.

[MarJar]

I feel your pain as does everyone here.   I see in a comment earlier you said you had hoped you would want to be friends.  I feel like that often about my Narc often.  WHY is the question.  Why would we want a relationship of any level with a person like this?  That is the question you should ask yourself.  If it were a friend confiding in you I am sure you would tell her the same.   His behavior to you and disrespect of his wife is gross on all levels.  Get out and stay out and find someone that is available to you and for you.

Blessings to you and your healing.

[PeanutButter]

I feel your pain as does everyone here.   I see in a comment earlier you said you had hoped you would want to be friends.  I feel like that often about my Narc often.  WHY is the question.  Why would we want a relationship of any level with a person like this?  That is the question you should ask yourself.  If it were a friend confiding in you I am sure you would tell her the same.   His behavior to you and disrespect of his wife is gross on all levels.  Get out and stay out and find someone that is available to you and for you.
Blessings to you and your healing.

I would just like the peace of mind of knowing that she is aware. I am going to try and let it go but if I can't,

Ime i would not make contact with the wife if this was why i was doing it.

[Daized]

Hello friends. Thank you for being there.

I don't know why the desire is there to remain friends......
? I am a peacemaker at heart and don't really understand people who are not
? I love him and wish the very best for him. For those reasons I feel like I will always have an interest in what is happening in his life good and bad.
? I overestimate my strength and resolve
? I hope that somewhere deep within his soul he does feel love and empathy
? Euphoric recall
? I have some delusion of him realizing how hurtful his behavior has been and he will be genuinely sorry.
?????????? I really don't know why

I have decided not to reach out to the wife. If I thought any good could come from it,  I would. I feel so, so much empathy and sympathy for her (and their adult children). She has been under his spell much longer and is much more entangled than I was.

It feels like I have been living in complete darkness for years and suddenly had this blinding light shining in my eyes. It was shocking and very uncomfortable. I will never be the same person I was.

It isn't like victims who see the light can just say, oh well, that was a mistake and move on with their life. She may be better of staying in the lie than realizing the shocking truth and trying to build a new life from ashes. It sucks if she knows and it sucks if she doesn't.

It is not really within my power to rescue her. I must focus on my own healing and future.