The Final Move Out

[Kat54]

Saturday I am taking the furniture I asked for from our house...he bought me out recently, so its now his house. It will be a huge sign of relief that its all finally finished.  I called my brother in law to see if he could help me on Friday night take a bed apart that I'm taking and a TV cabinet.  I have to laugh as my brother in law was over at the house the other night and he noticed a bed and furniture all gathered in the living room by the front door, so he saved me the time by taking everything apart already. 

I'll take that as either being helpful, or the quicker he gets me out the better. So maybe I'll thank him for the help...or say nothing.

What I am taking from all this, and from reading others posts about ex spouses. You really never know exactly what people are thinking. Its all about others perceptions and what they have experienced. He thinks I raked him over the coals and how horrible I was to him by divorcing him.  While I think he has at many times had bad intentions toward me, with the verbal and emotional abuse. Thwarted in the beginning the divorce by ignoring lawyers and me. Cutting me off from money at the holidays last year. Very very bad at communication, because he would always act so innocent but in reality he was not. Say one thing in front of people but then do bad terrible things when no one was looking. He has such a manipulative way he doesn't even realize it himself.

With having some empathy I realize his way of dealing with bad things was to ignore it, that is the way he always has been. The best way for him to move on from the hurt is to cut it out of his life and forget about it. That's what he is doing with me, so I will expect to have little to no contact with him after the furniture is moved out and the divorce is signed off on. We will likely communicate through our adult children when its required. In my perfect world i thought we could have some semblance of a relationship post divorce someday, but I have come to think its unlikely.  While I felt terrible hurt that he couldn't address the issues in our marriage and realize how hurtful his daily words were. I wounded him also by leaving and giving up on him and our marriage.

I thought when we went back to court one final time I would write him a letter and give it to him at the end and explain my thoughts and feelings. But I have from the beginning and its never mattered, no matter how much I say and say and say, he could not put himself in my shoes and understand my hurt. That's the most painful part for me. So when we leave court I'll shake his hand or a quick hug and say good bye. Start my new life and be happy, content, love my kids. There is not one ounce of regret.

[mdana]

Kat54

What you describe sounds familiar.  My therapist used to say, "it's about reality" and reality and sanity (or insanity) are intimately linked. So, many people (particularly with PD's) are unable to see and stay in the full reality -- particularly as it relates to them.  That's because it takes an  ability to "self-reflect" (and thereby be able to tolerate the pain of being wrong, imperfect, flawed) for anyone to be relational. Thereafter, for anyone to make big changes, other capacities are needed -- which clearly your ex was lacking.

I'm glad to read about you moving on with your life -- with NO regrets!  What a long haul you have had!

XOXOXO

[Kat54]

Thanks mdana,  Its very true, he never had the ability to self-reflect.  And he had his own reality for sure. Never looked at his role in the relationship and how it affected not only me but our children.  While I have no regrets and I am much much happier, it will always stay with me the sadness of a failed marriage.  Maybe if I did more to make it work. The abuse certainly had me "check out" and from his refusal to work on things with himself.

[Bluebird]

Hi Kat54, I am also getting the last of my furniture this weekend (hopefully with no surprises as I haven't been to the house in weeks), we seem to have been on a similar moving out time line. I hope it goes smoothly for you!

I've also had moments of "could I have done more?" but I think you and mdana are right. Without the other person being able or willing to self reflect, there's just no chance of any real change no matter what we do. I think I might have to keep reminding myself of that (or get my accompanying family to remind me) while doing the last bits of moving.

[Kat54]

Bluebird- good luck to you with your move out, it will go smoothly for you.
The end while feeling relief, I don't feel like it's any kind of celebration. Maybe privately in my heart I'll be so thankful it's over and do something nice for myself.

[mdana]

Kat54

I totally get it ... I felt the same... "If only...." (I had, he had... his family hadn't...we had...).  I will admit, I TRIED everything (on my end) that could humanly be done (and I am sure you did to).  Even today (knowing more than I did back then), I realize that the only person I could have changed was and remains ...ME. 

All the love (understanding, knowledge, compassion) in the world can't change someone else -- it can't make them have capacity or even want to change (if they could). That's what makes it so tragic ...

When I first met my exh -- I saw all of this "potential".  Come to find out (24+ years later), it was mostly in my head (my hopes, dreams, needs, and wishes).  He was always the same person.  After years of pain and suffering (trauma-drama) I'm the one that changed!  I finally learned to see him ...as he really was (limited and toxic --- for me). And, thereafter, I was no longer willing to wait for that potential to roll out. 

Lots of love to you Kat54!!

XOXOXOX

M

[pushit]

mdana - You're so right, and your story sounds so familiar to me (and I'm sure to many others on this site).

In my situation - I was well beyond "what could I have done" because I was completely spent from having done everything I could do, aside from completely abandoning my own needs and my own personality.  I will share this:  Since my divorce, my exPDw has done what I had expected she would do.  She is now completely dependent on her parents again.  They help her out with the kids, vacations, holidays, her house, everything she "doesn't have time for".  That's the stuff I used to take care of.  When I saw my former in-laws at Christmas, they frankly looked......tired.  I felt compassion for them, but at the same time, it's not my problem anymore and they need to set their own boundaries but probably never will.

To Kat54 - You've done your time.  You put in the effort, but it wasn't reciprocated.  I know how painful it is, but you can't make someone else change.  Now spend time on YOU and make sure you are happy.