First Apology EVER (and Fake as Hell)

[FogDawg]

I have been no contact with my (uNPD)father for a few months now; I had been for over half a year before I broke it and went VLC, only due to my mother being gravely ill, then I quickly adopted the previous stance once more after she passed away. An out-of-state friend of mine also knew my mother and would speak to her on occasion. After mum's death, the friend called my father and had a conversation with him, for the first time ever, and he offered to pay to get them here for the funeral. Though the offer was declined, I was told how sweet it was of him, which I responded to with, "He can put on a very good front and anyone who does not know him often thinks that of him." She has spoken with pa twice since and has come to find out firsthand more of how he truly is, with him getting dismissive of the treatment of myself when it is brought up ('pfff' noises) or making excuses to justify it. The last conversation that was had between the two involved her mentioning that what I want most of all is a sincere apology. His retort, apparently, was that he is not going to beg.

I spoke with my decent aunt a day or two after and mentioned this to her when she told me that I should let him know my current financial situation and ask him for help. I said that I want nothing to do with my father, especially after his words to the friend. Auntie told me that she would call him on my behalf and I implored her not to. I later relented and said that maybe if he heard from her how badly I am doing, not just financially, it may somehow make a difference, not that I actually held much hope in spite of speaking the words. The aunt did phone him and had a conversation telling him how hurt I am by the treatment over the years (along with whatever else was said). There were three (quickly dropped) blocked calls in a row, which turned out to be pa. My aunt rang me back not much past that point and said that my father was calling to apologize but could not get through. My retort was, "That is because he is blocked. He has let me down too many times throughout my life and I do not trust a word that comes out of his mouth." The aunt stated that he wants to apologize and that I should give him another chance. I again stressed the last part, adding that I do not believe that it would be sincere, only spoken to get what he wants. Auntie said a bit more and I unblocked his number on the condition that it would go to voicemail and I would decide at that point whether I would actually have a conversation with him. When I hung up, my hands started shaking uncontrollably, which took some time to dissipate.

I then called my friend and gave her the scoop, which left her saying that she felt hopeful; I quickly responded that it was the opposite in my case and that I believed he would only now offer an apology because both of them had asked him to, not because he actually cared to, and that it would be wholly false. Her words were basically that maybe it had finally sunk in due to their recent calls. By this point, I was grumbling, "He never listened to my words, which says it all. The man does not care about me, as he has shown time and again." She idolized her father and can only somewhat understand my perspective, which, I will not lie, occasionally leaves her making statements that get to me a bit.

My father called today and I did just as I said that I would, letting him speak to the machine and not myself. I listened to the voicemail and immediately felt let down once more. It was the most insincere (non)apology, with guilt-tripping thrown in additionally in hopes of getting his way and bringing me back into the fold. He actually sounded angry at the end. I once more wound up with my hands trembling.

I am glad that I stood my ground and refused to pick up the phone. This incident only serves to reinforce that I have made the correct choice in estranging, as he will never come to accept that he has wounded me deeply and show any form of remorse. The message actually began with this gem - "I guess I'm supposed to apologize for what you think I did or didn't do, or whatever." If anyone is doubting your decision of going no contact and thinking of trying another time, I hope that this will serve as the necessary reminder of the most likely outcome. Do not subject yourself to more pain for the sake of what others expect of you, no matter how much dissension it causes in the ranks. We all are worth far more than that, despite what others may attempt to make you believe.

[Deb2]

Boy, do I get this! My dBPDsister apparently took some class on writing apologies.  She sent the identical letter to two of her adult daughters.  One of them said it essentially said " I'm sorry i want a very good mother to you,  but that's how I am and you have to accept me as i am." Neither one of them decided to contact her.  Good for you for standing your ground.

[FogDawg]

With so much effort made, I cannot imagine why neither was bowled over Thanks for the encouragement, Deb2.

[FogDawg]

This incident affected me more deeply than I thought that it had and I wound up with barely any sleep (in part due to lots of dark thoughts swimming around in my head). I let my friend listen to the message last night and she said, "Oh, come on. Give him a call. It seems like he is really trying." I asked, "DId you hear the same message that I did? That is not an apology." I am doing a little better today, but I feel so rejected and even more hurt than before. I cannot even begin to fathom how a parent can be sickeningly nonchalant about the damage that they did to their child, especially to the extent that they can utter, "I guess I'm gonna apologize for everything," like their arm is being twisted. I have since blocked his number again and have no intention of relenting this time. When I next hear from my aunt, I am going to play a recording of his fauxpology for her - maybe that will finally get her to understand exactly why I have to keep my distance. I really hope so, with her being the only one in the family who seems to actually care even the slightest about me.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'm so sorry. It's maddening when people hear the same thing as we do but do NOT appreciate the meaning of it. People hear what they expect to hear. Many people just can't understand the kind of (non)relationships we have with our disordered family members, and are stuck in their beliefs based on their own experiences and perhaps lack of empathy. I would not be surprised if your aunt's reaction would be similar if you repeated the experiment with her. I hope I'm wrong about that, it would be hard as you say she is the only family member you feel cares.

Here's the thing though, your choices with regard to your father have nothing to do with either of them. Their opinions are simply irrelevant. I understand the feeling of wanting an ally, a supportive friend in a difficult and crazy stressful situation. It's a normal human need to reach out for community. (That's why I post here about my stuff!) Some people don't have the resources for these particular issues. Not saying they're bad people, they just may not be equipped for this. There are many reasons that many if not most people are somewhat thick about family problems with toxic and abusive people, ranging from their childhood was too similar and denial is protecting them, or on the other hand their childhood was just lovely and they have no frame of reference for an unloving parent, or they have some conflict of interest and they want a certain outcome for their own reasons. That's all other people's stuff.

You are only responsible for you, and ultimately only accountable to yourself for the choices you make here. It sounds like you are clear on what you are doing and why. Ok then! It's rough and it takes real courage to go against the tide. But knowing I'm living with integrity and being honest with myself helps me to be at peace about it. I hope that's true for you too.

[Sidney37]

My husband and I were just talking about this recently.   The people at my PDm's church who think she's so great often wouldn't even understand how awful the things are that she's says even if they heard her talk to me.   They don't get that words and phrases that she uses have years worth  of history.  There is abuse in her words that others could use without conveying the same meaning.   It's not that I'm looking for something to be worse than what she said.  What she said conveys something worse that what other people hear.  They just can't believe that she would mean something "like that" when they wouldn't mean it "like that".   Believe me... that's how she means it!.

[FogDawg]

I'm so sorry. It's maddening when people hear the same thing as we do but do NOT appreciate the meaning of it. People hear what they expect to hear. Many people just can't understand the kind of (non)relationships we have with our disordered family members, and are stuck in their beliefs based on their own experiences and perhaps lack of empathy. I would not be surprised if your aunt's reaction would be similar if you repeated the experiment with her. I hope I'm wrong about that, it would be hard as you say she is the only family member you feel cares.

Thank you, Cordelia. I have gotten the friend to admit at points that her own father was not as perfect as she often remembers him to be, so she kind of goes back and forth with regard to mine as well if I say enough to get thinking. I sent my cousin (the daughter of my father's brother) a snippet of the nonpology so that she can perhaps get at least some understanding of the no-contact situation and stop asking if I have spoken to my father (tells me that I should ask him for financial help or that she does not want me to be alone for holidays). I expect that I will have to explain to my aunt why it is not an apology when I play it for her whenever she happens to call. If none can grasp the decision in full, that is on them - I am doing what I have to, as I am the one dealing with it.

My husband and I were just talking about this recently.   The people at my PDm's church who think she's so great often wouldn't even understand how awful the things are that she's says even if they heard her talk to me.   They don't get that words and phrases that she uses have years worth  of history.  There is abuse in her words that others could use without conveying the same meaning.   It's not that I'm looking for something to be worse than what she said.  What she said conveys something worse that what other people hear.  They just can't believe that she would mean something "like that" when they wouldn't mean it "like that".   Believe me... that's how she means it!.

Correct you are, Sidney37. There are certainly loaded words and phrases that can come across as completely innocent to others, while those who have been abused hear them how they are meant. My mother would tell me that I had a habit of reading too much into what my father was saying, leaving me wondering if that happened to be true, although I now know that I had every right to be upset and get a little defensive at times.

[FogDawg]

My aunt called today and I did as I was planning, playing a shortened form of the message, highlighting the worst of it. She and my cousin have both now said that he 'likely does not know how to apologize', making it out like I am being unreasonable in not accepting the rubbish that was spouted. I am sure that they mean well and want to see the situation change, but it is frustrating. I think that I got through to my friend, on the other hand, so I have one person's support in my choice of permanent no contact. It is a position that no one should even have to consider and anyone who can relate has my deepest sympathies. As much as I appreciate this site, I wish that there was no need for it to exist, with everybody having the family that they deserve

[Sidney37]

I've heard the same line that PDm doesn't know the correct words to apologize.  Usually it's combined with a dig that I went to college and her parents wouldn't pay for her to go (I wonder if that's even true).   Several people have told me that they learned how to apologize well before they reached college, probably in grade school. 

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

[FogDawg]

Oh, college certainly is a requisite for knowing how to say sorry and mean it Thank you, Sidney37.

The aunt and I went in circles for a bit, with her telling me that I need to find a way to let go of the past (sounds familiar, doesn't it?), then myself stating that even if I could, some of the symptoms would still remain. As I said to her, all that I can hope to do is manage them, and it is not as difficult to if I have nothing to do with my father. I gave her an example and she agreed that it was not good, then she brought up therapy once more (has on occasion throughout the years), which I have told her repeatedly is not happening; in my mind, cutting out the main cause is the better option.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Saying, "I'm sorry," and then trying to make up for the harm done is covered on Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood. Daniel is four years old. Just sayin'.

[Andeza]

My uBPDm taught me how to apologize "intentionally" for stuff (mostly stuff in her head that she thought I should apologize for, cause, yeah) but I've only ever gotten fauxpologies from her when she thought she had put a foot too far out of line but had no idea what she'd done wrong. Took me a while to realize that she tried to use fake, blanket apologies to smooth things over rather than figure out what the real problem was.

For the PD, the apology serves but one purpose, lulling us back into "our proper place." In other words, they're sorry they've abused us, now can we get back to the normal abuse please?

[FogDawg]

Saying, "I'm sorry," and then trying to make up for the harm done is covered on Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood. Daniel is four years old. Just sayin'.

Add many decades to that age and there should have been enough time and practice to get it right My late mother said that he never once apologized to her. When I was younger, practically all of the times that I lashed out at him were to get him to treat her better. He never cared about either of us, yet she would not walk away, sticking with him until her death. It is too bad because, in spite of enabling him, she deserved far better - and I have come to realize that, despite ridiculous levels of self-loathing, so do I.

For the PD, the apology serves but one purpose, lulling us back into "our proper place." In other words, they're sorry they've abused us, now can we get back to the normal abuse please?

I had read as much prior, but I had never experienced it myself until this point (again, zero apologies growing up). I certainly owe some of the credit to this site for why I was able to immediately recognize that there was nothing genuine about it. The behavior is absolutely bonkers.

[FogDawg]

I had another talk with my aunt today. I thought that I was making at least some progress in getting her to a point of understanding my decision of going no contact with Nfather, although I now see that it is pretty much futile. From what she said, he wants to 'help me out' by getting me into therapy through the VA and is already in talks with them about it (my refusal to accept his fauxpology has spurred it on, I am thinking). She stated that I need to take him up on the offer because I (evidently) have not made enough of a difference myself - I repeatedly told her 'no' and that I want nothing from him. What I have needed in my life for ages is familial support, though it has always come down to sweeping any issues under the rug and telling me that I would have to be the one to change. Again, I severed ties with my other aunt recently for this reason, hearing nothing but judgment, and she had the nerve to call and leave a message saying that she is hurt and entitled to an explanation (my letter laid it out plain as day).

I feel like a hungry lion would be more understanding and sympathetic. I am not crazy, though everyone seemingly wants to convince me that is precisely the case; what I am is under a ridiculous amount of stress, being unemployed for months and so broke that I worry how I will pay any incoming bills, let alone rent

[NumbLotus]

If it's so damn important to your aunt that this rift be mended, why isn't she calling HIM and telling HIM what he "needs" to do?

Hmm.

[TwentyTwenty]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I agree with all of the great comments and advice here. I'll also offfer some of what I've experienced from insincere apologies.

My nM physically assaulted me in front of my wife, while screaming at me, slinging coffee on me and pushing me around by my shoulder. She also yelled that I am crazy, and God was going to strike me down.

We left and haven't seen them since. The days after we left, she began multiple emails to threaten and intimidate us by calling us names. She called both me and my wife vile, venomous names.

Then, a break from hearing from her for a while - followed by IM SO SORRY.

Then, a few days later another email stating she should have called the police on us for elder abuse and I'm a disctator for removing my family from contact.

Another break, and IM SO SORRY.

So, I sent them a cerified signature request post mail stating specifically what happed that day, my wife also included the events as she saw them; and I closed with - None of your 'I'm sorry' is accepted until you own your actions and you are held responsible for your violent assault on me and my family.

From that, she determined that I am an evil human, and in a cult.

So, at the end of it, I've learned an imperative tactic from abusive parents:
They will make several straw-man infractions against you; something they are willing to apologize for to convince you to fall for the 'I'm sorry'. Why wouldn't you be open to working with them, after all, they are 'sorry' for what they did - calling me names. While all the time, hiding behind the real, core offense - attacking us without cause. An abuser with never take ownership of that, they'll just setup straw-man minor offenses then apologize for them, luring you back into their cage. They are NOT sorry for the real problem, and will never take ownership and admit they are an abusive parent.

Apologies must be connected to specific actions, not just a generalization of a blanket apology that only serves to sweep their abuse under the rug.

[FogDawg]

If it's so damn important to your aunt that this rift be mended, why isn't she calling HIM and telling HIM what he "needs" to do?

Hmm.

I guess that in her mind she thinks that she tried enough. This aunt is my late mother's sister and they grew up in a house with a lot of fighting, not to mention excusing of their alcoholic brother's toxic behaviors. Unfortunately, it made them cowards, sad to say, continuing the tradition of not holding others accountable for their horrible actions in order to keep the peace.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I agree with all of the great comments and advice here. I'll also offfer some of what I've experienced from insincere apologies.

So, at the end of it, I've learned an imperative tactic from abusive parents:
They will make several straw-man infractions against you; something they are willing to apologize for to convince you to fall for the 'I'm sorry'. Why wouldn't you be open to working with them, after all, they are 'sorry' for what they did - calling me names. While all the time, hiding behind the real, core offense - attacking us without cause. An abuser with never take ownership of that, they'll just setup straw-man minor offenses then apologize for them, luring you back into their cage. They are NOT sorry for the real problem, and will never take ownership and admit they are an abusive parent.

Thank you, TwentyTwenty.  I appreciate the time taken to respond (and the words of everyone else who has chimed in as well). I am very sorry for the abuse suffered at the hands of your mother. People with even halfway decent parents cannot begin to comprehend what others are unfortunate enough to endure at the hands of those who are supposed to offer unconditional love. I hate that it is excused away by many of those who have been blessed; if it was anyone besides a parent, the first words out of their mouth would be to get away immediately

He will certainly never be sorry, nor will the dropped aunt, who I am also thinking is a narcissist. My hurting has been explained away by her as me 'being negative' and she once stated outright that I bring everything wrong in my life on myself (I blew up at that point), plus she wrote in a sympathy card to 'live the life that your mother would have wanted for you'. She has acted like she knows better than me on matters where I am absolutely correct (I offered to read her information straight from a website, but she got snippy and would not hear it, so I just went silent, a tactic of mine, and she quickly grew bored of talking to herself). I know that they both talk about me behind my back (I am 'ungrateful', which seems to be a favorite term of narcs to justify their abysmal behavior). Eff family and sociey's perspective.