Well, it happened, I'm hurt pretty badly.

[SparkStillLit]

Ot happened at work. I'm not broken, thank STARS, but I'm down for a bit. Updh had to pick me up at ER. He got busy right away saying I shouldn't have said what I did, because they'll deny my workmans comp claim (my boss put in my claim for me). He got ticked because I can't drive my car, it's a standard transmission.  He's going to have to drive me places. He yelled quite harshly at both kids over silly stuff the moment we got home. He was super nippy with other drivers all the way home, it was a bit disconcerting.
He made me tea and checked after my comfort levels, but when I wondered if I should wear this boot to bed or what, he got on to me about not having asked the nurse about it and remonstrated with me about it.
I'm quite upset and I want to minimize my reliance on him and I hope to get some things answered at my orthopedic appointment.

[notrightinthehead]

Oh dear! I am sorry. I wish you a speedy recovery.

[GettingOOTF]

I'm sorry. After I divorced I had to have a fairly major surgery that really impacted my mobility. Things like going to the bathroom and showering were really difficult. It was a frustrating time and I cried a lot. At the same time I was so relieved I was no longer with my ex. Has hard as it was at least I didn't have him shouting and me, telling me all the things I'd done wrong and complaining about having to help me. I was able to rest, heal and put my mental energy towards what I needed and not trying not to be a burden to him.

The way your husband is behaving towards you is awful and you don't deserve it. Strangers showed me more compassion than my ex ever did. I'm sorry. I hope you heal soon.

[SparkStillLit]

BAH!!! Why is it so freaking difficult to understand how badly I'm injured???? This isn't FAKE. I have a WALKING BOOT on, I'm ON CRUTCHES and I CAN'T BEAR WEIGHT.  It puts a serious crimp in my mobility!!! My ankle is so badly sprained it's DEFORMED. I think a normal person would be HELPING ME. I don't think I'd have to *explain* how performing my normal functions is hard, and getting up and down the stairs is extremely difficult and has to be done on my behind!!!! So it's not to be undertaken on a whim!

[SparkStillLit]

Ok. Ok. I've enlisted my young adult daughter to help with chores and some household essentials. I believe I can use my mom's automatic transmission vehicle and she can drive her manual, she does anyway. My car is manual, as are all our other vehicles. I will be free to drive myself if she agrees.
I think I've got the biggest stuff covered. The Boy can help with his dog/the dogs.
I've got this.....
People, all I did was get hurt at work. Isn't this pathetic?? I guess I need to not focus on that, and focus on what I need to do to get through this as independently as possible, and pull in all My People as much as possible.

[HeadAboveWater]

It's not pathetic; it's a real challenge that you are navigating unexpectedly. I imagine it's painful too.

For a friend of mine, major surgery on her leg was a test of a very strained relationship with a spouse with possible PD. It is very hard to be physically vulnerable and in a household with someone who is emotionally undermining. Sometimes these temporary physical impairments are very confronting in the way they bring challenges with our family members to the fore.

[11JB68]

So sorry spark. You should have a partner you can rely on to care for you and help you.
I had a serious injury several years ago and Updh had to do all the household stuff and drive me etc. It was a nightmare. I was still totally in the fog, had no idea he might have a PD. He got so bad that if I could have driven etc I would have left.
I'm fearful of every being in that position, or good forbid worse, every again.
I even chose recently to do a home screening rather than an in office screening procedure because I didn't want to have to rely on him at all.

[SparkStillLit]

You know how sometimes you think "how did it get like this"?

I had to ask my mom to borrow her Durango for an unforeseen amount of time, since I can't drive my car and I want/need to be independent for a number of reasons. I can, but:
It's normally parked under cover.
(I don't have covered parking)
Did I need anything? -yes, ibuprofen. There's none here and nobody is home. -well, she's not a pill taker, but she'll see what she can do.
How am I getting up and down the stairs? -on my butt.
Did I need help with anything?
-yes laundry and bedsheets brought upstairs.  -well perhaps I could put that in a pillowcase and drag it up the stairs with me, and shove my crutches up ahead. -never mind, I'll wait till someone is home.
You just have to get creative!
Me in my head: no thanks. I'll remain no further damaged and wait for actual help.

This is what I think is normal. Well, maybe not *normal*, but this is what I expect. I did not grow up with "normal". NOW I see this as bad behavior, but this is a billion years down the road.

[Fae Greenwood]

You have all my sympathy, dear one.

When I broke my leg some years ago, and as it was my gas-pedal leg I could go nowhere on my own, I looked my uNPDh in the eye and said that I would be unable to do anything for him or our kids until I was able to stand and drive with two legs. He looked confused as (I think) he believed I didn't do anything anyway. I took my drugs so I was always asleep and slept downstairs as I was to afraid of falling on the stairs and made sure to talk to an adult other than him everyday. I made sure to mention with utter truth the care I was receiving when I thought my husband could overhear. Nothing mean, but things like "I keep asking for vegetables and he won't give me any" or "no one will bring me my puzzle book from upstairs" or "I might have to ask for a ride to my checkup as I can't get a promise for him to take me." It was far from perfect but between my teen and adult children and calls to others including my MIL I got the care I needed
It stopped literally the morning after I was weight-bearing again, but I did get through. Good luck.

[Fae Greenwood]

Oh, I forgot to mention that I broke my leg at home alone with him. His first reaction was anger about my screaming. Then I was told to stand up and walk it off. I went through two childbirths without pain meds so when I'm in pain and adking for help, I really do need it. I asked him to call 911 and he told me to stop making a fuss. I was trembling and shaking from shock. I finally got him to call my married nursing-student daughter to come over. She took one look at me and immediately insisted that he call emergency. It's part of why living alone as I get older is less frightening as, if I lived alone, if be able to get myself an emergency button necklace system.

[SparkStillLit]

My son just shattered his arm at a bike race (doing something updh is always telling him not to do....but he's a KID. I hardly think he's not going to be doing this thing....I mean, maybe not NOW....the kids do it all the time....)
Anyhow, that's two of us down. He's a lot worse than me. Updh is already expecting me to step up, no pun intended.

[11JB68]

Fae, when I got my injury I called Updh at home and said you might need to come pick me up and he said of I'm sure you can drive yourself home (with ds who was then about 12 yo).
Turned out I shouldn't have been driving at all... But I drove and walked on it for almost a week.

[SparkStillLit]

We have no ibuprofen in the house. I asked for it to be purchased for me, but nobody did. Now son needs it.
I can't keep it on hand because as soon as I purchase some, h takes it. He raids all the bathrooms and the kitchen cabinets and everywhere for it. He won't purchase his own bottles. He takes an unbelievable amount of it. He might have some in his vehicle, but he won't look for it. Daughter had a tiny bit left, hidden in her room, which she gave to brother. His is the greater need. His Rx won't be ready till today. I'll reiterate my need for ibuprofen.
Updh keeps asking me things like "why didn't you bring your phone & kindle upstairs" how many hands/how big of pockets does he think I have? Instead of asking silly questions, how about GO GET my phone and kindle? He gave me a filthy look when daughter finally allowed that she had some ibuprofen after I said there was none. I didn't ask her. He raids every bathroom and every place, I assumed none. I didn't know she was stashing, and she would only have ever given it to brother (or possibly me) anyway.

[1footouttadefog]

I am so sorry to read what you ladies are going through or have gone through.

Common human deciency leaves the behaviours of your pds indescribably cruel. 

Wow, I am sorry.  I hope you all get back in your feet soon.  How horrible to be vulnerable around such uncaring and cruel people.

[Lauren17]

Spark,
I'm so sorry to hear that both you and your son are in pain.

A thought I'd like to share is that people want to help, but they often don't know how. (Not talking  about our PDs here, but friends and neighbors.) Might I recommend asking for a specific task when they check up on you?
"Jane, I hate to impose, but could you please bring me some ibuprofen and bread next time you're at the store?"

I know it's hard, but I try to think of how I'd feel if someone asked me. I'd be happy to grab my neighbor some Advil, to drive a friends daughter to gymnastics  and I expect others feel the same way.

The odd thing is, the more I've been willing to ask others for help, the more H has been willing to do it himself.

Best wishes. 

[SparkStillLit]

Lauren17 this is true. If "outsiders" know, oh then better step up.
Since then we've both been to the surgeon, gotten pain meds, and I've now got my own....advocate of some sort. Son is very much better, has another appointment. Advocate will get me what I need, and I have all kinds of pain mitigation stuff now. I'm also more mobile and independent.

[capybara]

So sorry to hear it, Spark. Hope you and your son are both better soon. Your H's behaviour is just terrible.

[SparkStillLit]

As I think through this, I remember a long time ago when I had hip surgery, and when I went back to work and crew members waited on me hand and foot, even when they didn't need to.
Also not related to injury, how they used to bring me plates of food from upstairs in quarters, or the one pilot when we were on together used to leave a hot caramel macchiato waiting on my desk when I got on duty. When I wondered if he was fattening me up for the apocalypse, he switched it to hot skinny chai latte. Same pilot used to leave Chinese take out for me, for lunch.
Or they brought me cookies back from the hospital. Or tamales (it's a long story).
These are the actions of people who unthinkingly care and are kind.
I mean, yes they wanted to stay in my good graces, and I'm easily bribed with food, but they also actually cared for my well being.
It's a weird contrast to people who are supposed to care and promised to care, from people who are under no obligation to care but do anyway.

[11JB68]

 
I'm always surprised by little kindnesses.
And the folks who should want to help us and don't are often those who expect us to take care of them. It's not a two way street in their opinion.