It's Time for a Change

[BluePines]

Hi everyone,

I'm so glad I found this website, because having a PD parent is such a bizarre experience that I don't think most people can really understand it if they've never lived through something like that. My mother has both NPD and HPD. My father was an enabler.

My mother is an overt narcissist and 100% the enmeshment type. She frequently raged at me as a child all the way into my mid-20's. Emotional and physical abuse were common occurrences. The fog really lifted for me about a year ago after a few incidents opened my eyes to just how hateful she really is.

Because I was an only child, I was put into both the golden child and scapegoat roles, depending on my mother's moods. Describing that experience as psychological whiplash would be an understatement. I didn't have siblings for her to triangulate me with, but she absolutely triangulated me and my father.

I've been setting boundaries and going low contact, but I've come to this site to try to get some help with something. My husband and I are expecting our first child later this year, and I'm concerned for my baby's sake.

Low contact has worked okay while it's been just me and my husband, because we're adults and can adjust our expectations, go "grey rock", etc. But I'm afraid that having any kind of contact will give her the opportunity to emotionally harm my child. Based on her past behavior, I have no doubt that down the road she will try to meddle in our family and me and my husband's relationship with our child.

I'm trying to figure out how to go no contact right now, but it's been hard. I don't want to have a blow out with her, because I'm pregnant and don't want to put myself under too much stress and jeopardize me and the baby's health. But I also feel like I need to take care of this situation now before our baby is here. Even though the baby's not here yet, I already feel such a strong instinct to protect our child from harm.

If any of you have any suggestions or advice, I would be so grateful.

[Andeza]

Blue Pines - "Because I was an only child, I was put into both the golden child and scapegoat roles, depending on my mother's moods. Describing that experience as psychological whiplash would be an understatement. I didn't have siblings for her to triangulate me with, but she absolutely triangulated me and my father."

Yup, that right there was me. I've sat in that seat, and it is mess.

Welcome, first and foremost! We're happy to help on your journey, no matter what that ends up looking like.

DH and I had our first child last year, and it was when I was pregnant that I began lowering contact with my uBPDm. She was unhappy with this, I'll bet yours was too! They've got a sense for when we start to end the enmeshment and no longer supply their need for drama/rages/abuse.

I can only offer my personal experience thus far.

We have recently gone no contact (just before New Years). In my case, I decided to write her an email that was kind and not accusatory. I made no mention of prior abuse and focused instead on her untreated mental illness being beyond my ability to cope with any longer. Upon hitting "send" Dh and I immediately blocked her on our phones and email. We don't use social media, so no problems there. We also compiled all the emails and texts she had sent to me over the last few years that revealed her mental illness, made mention of it, or were simply not the writings of a non-pd adult. We want these things on hand in case she makes any accusations, or tries to stir up trouble in any way. Since then, the only thing I've received from her was a forwarded letter that had her handwriting on it, but was from the county I grew up in. There were no other notes on it.

There was no uproar, no fight, low stress, and then the stress just started melting away completely. Most days, I don't even think about it.

We allowed my mother to meet our son only once. She acted excited, but was quickly distracted by a cousin's baby girl. After that I started thinking her interest was more than likely just her attempt to appear normal in front of the rest of her family, a face she puts on when there are witnesses. But they see that there are cracks in the facade.

If you go no contact, you may send notice of it, or not. It's perfectly fine to simply block any and all means of communication and leave it at that. You don't owe anyone an explanation. You don't owe any reasons or discussions, because those rarely if ever change the situation, and in many cases are used to merely bash us over the head (figuratively) with attempts to gaslight and project.

You also do not owe your mother visits with your child. You are the parent, this is your choice to make. Your M doesn't get to guilt or obligate you into doing it.

Whatever you decide, we'll be wishing you an easy pregnancy and stress-free delivery!

[Morocha2015]

Congratulations!
Your story sounds very similar to mine. I went NC a little over a year ago. My parents haven't met my third child, and only met my other two twice. When my HPD mom did come, we met her at the airport. She snatched my daughter away from me and made this loud aggressive statement at a stranger about how "this is my granddaughter and I'm meeting her for the first time." She barely even looked at my daughter, it was all about the show. Later, she was reading to her, and she made a statement about how the book was "way over her head." Of course we know what PDs really mean, she meant "your daughter is stupid and I'm way smarter." At that moment I realized nothing was going to change, and she was going to abuse my children the same way she had abused me. My mother has a habit of faking allergies that suddenly appear and reappear depending on how much attention she can get. Her latest one was an onion allergy that "Jesus miraculously healed her from."  The nail in the coffin for me was the day she told me that if I prayed hard enough my daughter would be cured of her (very real) peanut allergy. Can you imagine if she'd told my 4 year old daughter that? I realized at that moment that contact with her was literally life or death for my children.

Going NC made me much more sad than I expected, but it's one of the best things I've ever done. I recommend the books Toxic Parents by Susan Forward and Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker. I went NC by writing my mother an email saying that she had serious mental health issues that made it difficult to have a relationship with her and that I needed a break. Then I blocked her from my phone and email. She did send a cruel letter over Christmas, telling me how awful I am for doing this to her. If my daughter didn't want a relationship with me, I'd apologize and do everything I could to make things right. It's just further proof that the abuse I experienced was real.

I'm so happy for you and your growing family! We're here for you! I wish I'd made this same decision before my kids were born.

[BluePines]

Thank you both for your encouragement. It's nice to know I'm not the only one that's going through this!

I hadn't thought about framing her problems in the context of her mental health, but that sounds like a good neutral way to give a NC email/letter if we go that route. She admits she has some mental health issues (like depression), but adamantly denies the idea of having a PD (because of course).

Yeah, with LC she has gone full on hoover. She's backed off a little because I usually don't respond, but she would literally call/email/text/DM me 5 times a day. It was very creepy. Just last night I got a random card from her, but I threw it in the garbage. When I do talk to her, I try to keep things neutral and not talk about personal matters (boundaries), but she starts incessantly badgering me for info like usual. Last time when we were on the phone, she would NOT STOP interrogating me about something personal I didn't want to talk about, even when I tried to redirect the conversation. So I just hung up the phone.

[Fortuna]

Congrats on becoming a new parent soon. If you think she will abuse your child you have every right to go NC without any kind of blow out. Tell her, or not. (I told my mom simply to make sure I had it in writing that I was going to protect myself and family by having no contact with her.) If you tell her it doesn't need to be face to face or by phone. I sent a text. Then blocked everything. She's tried to contact a couple of times, but now I just file the letter away unopened, And am finally learning she doesn't actually have control over my life. Find the solution that is best for you and your child.