What do you tell people...

[Rize]

When they ask about your relationship with your parents?

Asking because I had my first awkward moment today with a mutual acquaintance of NPDM and myself.

Do you tell people you no longer speak? Do you give details etc?

Nothing really behind the question I'm asking, just interested. i had my first awkward moment today with someone who is an acquaintance of NPDM who claimed they didn't know we weren't speaking. I feel bad about telling him we no longer speak and I have no idea why.

[StayWithMe]

Was this something he learned from your Mother?

[Call Me Cordelia]

A. You suspect he really did know
B. You fear he might judge you for the falling out
C. You were just going about your business and really didn't want to go there
D. You feel bad around any mention of your NM
E. You fear anything you say getting back to NM
F. You worry this relationship and others being negatively affected by your boundaries
G. Something else
H. All of the above

I mean, it makes perfect sense for this to be an uncomfortable conversation. It's an unnatural situation all around. Add onto that any of the issues we ACONs tend to have with people pleasing, feeling responsible for everyone and everything, caring too much about what other people think... Yeah. You said it. Awkward.

[Rize]

I have no idea; they aren't exactly friends. It's more that he is friends with her friend. but it was weird - he kept mentioning her and glancing at me as if to gauge a response. I eventually told him we hadn't spoke in a little over a year, because I'd had enough of her bullying me. I feel bad about saying it though.

@Call Me Cordelia - yes! everything you've just said. It's the first time I've ever had to 'go there', so I was hesitant

[moglow]

In all honesty, it depends on the people in question. Very casual and new acquaintances unusually get a quick deflection or change of subject. I'll feel out the subject as I get to know people better, but typically just define it as a difficult relationship at best.

I'm not an open book where mother is concerned and it takes a lot for me to go into it. If someone is pressing for details or keeps bringing it up, I will absolutely ask them hard on "why do you ask" or "what an odd thing to say."

I've been pretty surprised at times when I've opened up a bit and had people tell me they get it, then share horribly similar similar feelings about their own. It's a kinship of sorts, and I pick up on it much more quickly than i used to. Maybe I've honed that particular radar more than I realized?  Those people are quick to respond in kind when the subject of difficult parents comes up, reminding me how truly alone so many of us feel on the subject. It reminds me how much it helps to air that out so we can continue on without that poison.

[GettingOOTF]

I was out with someone the other day and he asked if I went “home” often. I said no and that I wasn’t close with my family. He just nodded and moved on. BUT he is gay and from a small town so I suspect that he has experience of this, if not personally then through friends.

I’ve told a couple of people that I don’t speak with my family and they have all been horrified and tried to tell my I should get back in contact. “You only have one father”-type crap.

My therapist says that people who know and care about me will understand but I’ve not found that to be the case.

I’m going to stick with the “I am not close with my family line” for now. It’s a horrible position to be in. Sorry.

[FogDawg]

This prior week, my father went behind my back and attempted to pay the insurance policy that I had recently requested be cancelled due to lack of funds (my well-meaning friend slipped up and told him, later apologizing for inviting yet more drama due to her loose lips). To someone who does not know what a narcissist is like, this may come off as a kind gesture, but it was really only another attempt to get me back into contact with him; this was a way that he had thought of to hopefully force my hand in order to obtain what he wants. The representative stated that they needed my validation to process the charge, which I would not give them. I had to stand my ground and say 'no' at least four times, with them not hearing a word out of my mouth, only caring about getting the money. The person told me that they are aware that he and I are not speaking, which I did not even acknowledge, with it being none of their business. It is awkward to be in the position of not having a relationship with family, all thanks to society's belief that sharing blood is the be-all, end-all. Do not feel forced to detail specifics about your choice. People become uncomfortable and most often will offer their unwanted advice should the conversation happen, laying out all of the trite BS about only having one mother/father and the like. Opening up to them is inviting judgment. You know why you are doing it, which is what matters.

[Kiki81]

If I say anything at all about my parents, I simply say I am estranged from them and I immediately move the conversation to anything else. It's clear I'm not giving details. It's no one's business plus I'm not looking for validation.

[Rize]

Thanks for all your replies.

In all honesty, it depends on the people in question. Very casual and new acquaintances unusually get a quick deflection or change of subject. I'll feel out the subject as I get to know people better, but typically just define it as a difficult relationship at best.

I'm not an open book where mother is concerned and it takes a lot for me to go into it. If someone is pressing for details or keeps bringing it up, I will absolutely ask them hard on "why do you ask" or "what an odd thing to say."

I've been pretty surprised at times when I've opened up a bit and had people tell me they get it, then share horribly similar similar feelings about their own. It's a kinship of sorts, and I pick up on it much more quickly than i used to. Maybe I've honed that particular radar more than I realized?  Those people are quick to respond in kind when the subject of difficult parents comes up, reminding me how truly alone so many of us feel on the subject. It reminds me how much it helps to air that out so we can continue on without that poison.

Yeah, I've had passing comments from strangers along the lines of "are you spending Christmas with your parents" etc, and a simple "no" does the trick there. They're too unfamiliar to ask/worried incase said parents are dead or whatever. I imagine the in-between people are the hardest to talk to about!

This prior week, my father went behind my back and attempted to pay the insurance policy that I had recently requested be cancelled due to lack of funds (my well-meaning friend slipped up and told him, later apologizing for inviting yet more drama due to her loose lips). To someone who does not know what a narcissist is like, this may come off as a kind gesture, but it was really only another attempt to get me back into contact with him; this was a way that he had thought of to hopefully force my hand in order to obtain what he wants. The representative stated that they needed my validation to process the charge, which I would not give them. I had to stand my ground and say 'no' at least four times, with them not hearing a word out of my mouth, only caring about getting the money. The person told me that they are aware that he and I are not speaking, which I did not even acknowledge, with it being none of their business. It is awkward to be in the position of not having a relationship with family, all thanks to society's belief that sharing blood is the be-all, end-all. Do not feel forced to detail specifics about your choice. People become uncomfortable and most often will offer their unwanted advice should the conversation happen, laying out all of the trite BS about only having one mother/father and the like. Opening up to them is inviting judgment. You know why you are doing it, which is what matters.

Ha yeah the I've had the money thing used on me too - offering to pay for bills/shoving envelopes full of cash through the letterbox that sort of thing. On the surface it looks like a kind, generous gift from a caring person trying to help out, but nope.

When i spoke to a Dr about all this mess one of the things I mentioned that upsets me the most is that anyone I speak to (Dh/inlaws etc) cannot relate at all as they had really great families. My Dr laughed at it and said you're in the minority if you have a good relationship with relatives it's just people wont speak about it. So maybe it *could* be a good thing to be more open about certain stuff at times

[BeanerJane]

I don't tell them anything. I say 'oh, she's doing great.' That's all they really want to hear. About a year after I went NC I made the mistake of answering my inlaws question of 'are you getting together with your Mom today for Mother's Day?' with No. It lead to the Spanish Inquisition. WHY? WHAT HAPPENED? There was no benign answer that was satisfying to them and every. single. time. we got together I was interrogated. My DH put a stop to it by sending his family an email telling them to not bring it up anymore. They haven't but I know they're morbidly curious. It's no one's business but mine and my PDMother's. She knows damn good and well why I'm NC.

[blues_cruise]

I don't think you have to feel pressured to tell anyone anything. Unless they're extremely emotionally intelligent and have personally had to deal with a family member with a personality disorder then they're not going to get it anyway. There is no way you can explain the situation to someone in a short, light exchange and trying to do so will just leave you frustrated. I think it's enough to say, "We're no longer in contact and I'd rather not discuss it to be honest as it's upsetting" and then move on. No JADE and no reason to feel awkward as it's not really anyone's business but yours.

[Sweetbriar]

This is a really good question I have wondering about for awhile. I have opened up with an old friend about it, and she has such strong feelings that you put up with your difficult elderly parents, that she has backed away from me. That was an eye opener to me.

So now, if I'm going to be around people, I think ahead. I am pretty much feeling that i am forced to fib and deflect. I say, "oh they're doing well, how are your parents?"

It's the people closer to the family when it gets hard and to be honest I am getting to the point where I want to say 'it's none of your business' but I wont do that. I have to figure out a very quick and pat response and learn how to move the conversation on. This is a skill I haven't gotten smooth yet.

[theonetoblame]

If they are a friend and someone important to me, they already know. They also know that if I want to talk about it I'll be the one to bring it up i.e. if they ask and I'm not up to it I'll just continue talking about something else. It's my history, and mine to discuss or share about how I choose.

With everyone else I usually deflect and change the topic or tell them a partial truth, similar to another poster above -- this allows me the internal narrative of not being a liar which is helpful. Because I have both an adopted family and my first family, I can pick a partial truth from many different parts of my family life. Oh, my father and I are estranged (adopted)... Oh, I talked to my father a couple times on the phone but he declined to meet me (first).... oh, my mother has been in a nursing home for the last 10 years (first)...  oh, my mother died from a stroke (adopted)... oh, I was an only child (adopted)... oh, I have 6 half siblings but we didn't grow up together (first) etc etc. It's all truth, and none of the stories are really positive, so sharing any particular bit usually leaves the other party happy to change the topic. I also get a bit of a chuckle each time I do this. People's lives are complicated and so is mine, too often people ask mindless questions that they don't really want or expect a full answer to. Another strategy is to share one of these small bits, which is enough to stun some people, and to then immediately reflect the conversation back on them and to ask about their family. In doing so I'll have shared a small amount but they often start gushing.

[GettingOOTF]

On the one hand I am fortunate as I moved to another country so I don't know anyone who knows my parents so no one ever asks how they are doing.

On the other had it means that I have to come up with explanations for people who don't know them. It's comes up a lot in conversation for me. I'm clearly not from where I live so a common early question is along the lines of "do you get to see your family often/will you go home for Christmas".

I know we don't owe anyone an explanation but these are questions the majority of people ask when getting to know someone and they are so used to getting an answer it stands out when you don't give one.

I don't really talk about it out side of therapy. I've found that even people who I'm close to and I know care about me don't understand and judge. It's like a knee jerk reaction for most people.