Recently NC and had a sad dream last night

[Andeza]

I didn't want to hijack the other thread as this will be fairly lengthy. My dreams will often repeat unless I write them down in detail, so this is mostly to prevent that from happening. All quotes are, of course, pure fiction.

I dreamed that my family, my dh and ds, had traveled back home because my grandmother had been placed in one of those end of life places. Except, it was in a city, and there aren't any cities that big within an hour of where I grew up, so that was strange.

We were at a hotel a couple of blocks away, maybe two, and one of my cousins came down to the lobby to walk over with me because dh wasn't quite up and ready yet. I had asked if my UbpdM was there, and was told they were doubtful she would even show up.

So we walk down the couple of blocks, and it felt super real. The sights, sounds, smells, it was very realistic. Finally we get to the hospice place, grab an elevator to a waiting room and right as we turn a corner what do I hear? My UbpdM talking and laughing obnoxiously loud as usual, as though trying to ignore the seriousness of the situation.

I peeled off, took out my phone, didn't have signal, started walking back to the elevator. I hear my mom "Ugh! I don't even get a hello?" But I'm walking. She follows me. "At least give me a hug!"

I managed to shrug out of the hug and shake my head no. "Mom, I don't want to talk."

"Why not?" said in an offended tone, like she's done nothing at all.

"I sent you that email, and you haven't done anything."

"Yeah, I didn't really understand that email, but I think it was very hurtful."

"It's simple mom, I don't want to have a relationship with you until you get help for your mental health problems."

"Well you might as well just burn my face off then!" What the heck! Where did my sleeping brain get that gem from? I'm pretty sure I've never heard her say that before. By then the elevator arrived and I got in and held up a hand to stop her at the door.

"See mom, normal people don't say stuff like that."

"Well, you know me, I've never been normal!"

"Well, now you need to be. Choose help. Choose me." And then the door shut and I got back out to the street and called dh as I beelined back to the hotel.

And then I woke up, at like, 4am.

The thing that was illuminating to me about this whole, weird mess, was the final thing I said to her. See all my life I was given various excuses along the lines of "We can't do x activity because of this physical illness." So there were a lot of things I ended up feeling like I missed out on. I guess, deep down, I felt like she chose her various health problems, real or imagined, over me.

And there, in the dream, I was asking her to want to get better, for me. Because I know she won't make the effort, not in real life.

The email I sent was kind, and gentle, but I did state I would be cutting ties with her, and blocking her phone number and email, until I heard directly from a therapist or pastor. (she doesn't have much money, so a pastor was a more realistic option) But I suspect she has buried her head in the sand once more, refusing to face the hard truth. Refusing to choose healing and getting help because she's afraid of... Change. More afraid of change than she is of losing her own daughter. Thank you for reading.

[FogDawg]

But I suspect she has buried her head in the sand once more, refusing to face the hard truth. Refusing to choose healing and getting help because she's afraid of... Change. More afraid of change than she is of losing her own daughter.

I do not understand how a parent can be so willing to throw away a relationship with their own child due to an (insane) desire to remain the same, unhealthy way. I have basically accepted that it is never going to get better between my (uNPD)father and myself, which appears to be the same with your mum, sad to say. I hope that your subconscious has worked it out enought that you will no longer be bothered with any more of these troubling dreams.

[Andeza]

Thanks Fogdawg, I hope I don't have anymore either. No doubt it was magnified by having the dang worst flu since the return of the the Swine flu three years ago. Complete with halfway delirious dreams. Yes, I haven't heard a peep, from anyone, since I sent the NC email. I made sure the email "blamed" me squarely, because she would be happy to blame DH for this estrangement. She'd be happy to blame anyone but herself, but that's par for the course with BPD isn't it? Always the victim, never at fault? Ah well. I've done what I can, you can only cast your pearls before swine so much before you realize it's a fruitless practice. I spent way too much time out of my life offering reasonable and well thought solutions to all the problems she was CONSTANTLY wailing about, only to never see even one attempted. Not. A. Single. ONE. So I'm done. I can't save her from herself.

It was odd, I've been just turning things over a bit because I'm so stinking sick right now I can't do much else. Blegh. Ready to be up and about again dang it. But anyway I remembered back, about twenty years ago, when I was still a little girl, and M was telling me how my dad's M, we'll call her PDGma, was constantly undermining their relationship. She wailed about how she tried everything she could think of, even apologized! Goodness gracious can you imagine? A BPD individual offering up the classic fauxpology to a suspected, full-blown narc!? PDGma laughed in her face. Cagey, very cagey. Of course, my enD never forgave M for "forcing" him to move away from his controlling mother. *facepalm* So when enD found out I was going NC with M, he essentially said what goes around comes around. A better reaction than I expected from him. On the bright side, he hasn't tried to talk me out of it, just asked very calmly and plainly what brought it on, and then once answered, started laughing his butt off about karma. Sure Dad, whatever makes it easier for you to accept it.

We have so much more worth than they will ever ascribe to us. We have to ascribe our own worth. Our own value.

Sorry I'm a bit all over the place today.

[sarandro]

Hi Andeza,
I hope you are feeling a bit better today....

Wow, dreams....they really affect us, don't they? Our brain's way of working things out?

Our PD's are rotten people, offered solutions that they never, never take up...happy to remain 'victims'
Those people have zero emotional intelligence!..They will never grow up XXX

[lotusblume]

Andeza,

Perhaps this dream is something you can reframe. I'm currently reading some old school Carl Jung and he was really big on dreams. He coined the term individuation, and for him it meant the coming together of the conscious and the unconscious, bringing the unconscious to surface and integrating it, as a way of becoming an individual. So often when he would work with patients and himself, he would use dream analysis to help decide the unconscious and answer some of their questions. If you look at the site dreamhawk.com, it uses jungian based dream archetype & symbol breakdown.

I find myself dreaming almost every night through out my own individuation process, and I've always been aware of my dreams and dreamt vividly, but the content of these ones are very connected to the things I am trying to resolve when I'm awake. For example, I had a dream two nights ago that I was surrounded by vampires that were explaining to me why I couldn't escape them. I also confronted my sibling in this dream. I try to pay attention to the details and analyse them, and work with them, even though they can be really uncomfortable and sometimes horrifying. Some are more direct, and others have more murky messages.

Jung would help his patients with this work, but he would let them come to their own connections and conclusions about their dreams and then compare with what he could interpret, vastly through the symbols and how they were relative. The most important person is the dreamer. Maybe this can help you to think of another perspective that can be used to serve you.

Take care,
Lotus

[FogDawg]

She wailed about how she tried everything she could think of, even apologized! Goodness gracious can you imagine? A BPD individual offering up the classic fauxpology to a suspected, full-blown narc!?

Oh, the horror of apologizing In its own way, that would have been some serious comedy to witness.

For example, I had a dream two nights ago that I was surrounded by vampires that were explaining to me why I couldn't escape them.

Your dream has all the makings of a blockbuster film  "There is no escape, fleshling! Now, let me tell you all of the reasons why..."

[lotusblume]

LOL fawgdog. Absolutely!

I looked up vampires on the dreamhawk site, and it said having difficulties separating from your parents is one of the meanings....

I could def write some scripts with my dream content lol. Best of luck to you. Thx for the dose of humour

[Andeza]

Lol, I am working on a few novels based on dreams I've had in the past, but that is bedside the point.

Feeling better today, thanks!

Sometimes my dreams are more complicated and they'll set me back a bit trying to figure them out, but as I get older, more often than not, the meaning is immediately clear. That's taken practice though.

So yes, my mind was framing a potential conflict. A face to face that may never happen. And my subconscious was trying to reassure me that if it did happen, I would be fine, I would have the words and needed escape route. I also think my brain was making a point, don't leave without dh, lol

[FogDawg]

I looked up vampires on the dreamhawk site, and it said having difficulties separating from your parents is one of the meanings....

I could def write some scripts with my dream content lol. Best of luck to you. Thx for the dose of humour

That makes complete sense. Next will be a bed full of leeches

Ha. I'm sure. Thank you. I wish you the same. Glad to.

Lol, I am working on a few novels based on dreams I've had in the past, but that is bedside the point.

So yes, my mind was framing a potential conflict. A face to face that may never happen. And my subconscious was trying to reassure me that if it did happen, I would be fine, I would have the words and needed escape route. I also think my brain was making a point, don't leave without dh, lol

Good luck with the books. Bedside and dreams - I think that your subconscious is still trying to make a point

[Andeza]

Wow, that was a spectacular unintended pun. Awesome, love it. Sweet dreams to all! May we dream of beautiful and lovely things our pds can never touch.