Have you worried about serious consequences of VLC to NC

[Sidney37]

Has anyone ever worried that NC would have serious consequences?  Trigger warning: suicide.

I'm NC with my NPDm and VVLC  with enD.  Contact involves a few texts once every 4-6 weeks all on the same day initiated by enD trying to get me to "forgive and forget", me saying no, me explaining the need for her to change and him saying it won't happen.  He tries again the next month.

From what I am gathering from the few texts and an online smear campaign that got shared with me, his mental health seems not so great.  He has a history of depression.  He threatened suicide months ago when I lowered contact with NPDm and she was flipping out on him.  I threatened to call 911.  She's verbally abusive to him, but he can't see it.

Has anyone stayed VLC when you know you should be NC because you were concerned the enabler might end up suicidal?  I'm miles away and not social media friends with them.   PDm unfriends me every time I've set a boundary she doesn't like.   Part of the path to NC was me ignoring her friend requests after she unfriended me yet again!  I then got the extended silent treatment.

I have no one there to contact to check.   They've turned their close friends against me with their social media smear campaign.  I saw their comments when someone copied and shared the post with me.  We have a tiny family and the few adults are PD, too.

What would you do?

[FogDawg]

If you are feeling that no contact is the best choice, do not second-guess yourself, as only you know how much you can take before it completely breaks you down. I am sure that it is difficult, but your welfare should be put before your father's. It sure does not sound like he is worrying about you.  My advice is to take care of yourself and let him continue down the path that he has chosen. If he does wind up committing suicide at some point, it is not because you did not make enough effort. You have shown concern and there is only so much that can be done when the other person is unwilling to make the effort to get better.

[Groundhog Day]

My BPDm would threatned suicide. The interval of these threaths seemed to increase over time. Never once did she made any attempts and would blame her threats on us. If you dont't answer, call back, pity me, blame others, I will do it.

Everytime we would call 911 and sometimes we would not answer her calls since her threats would occur around 5pm on Fridays just to make sure we would have a rotten weekend. I would pretend I forgot to check my voicemail and let her steam go down.

My NC speared me from receiving those stressful calls. I allowed me to stop hearing that I prefered F than her. That since she's been a widow none of her children wanted anything to do with her. And telling anyone that would listen to her sob story of how bad her kids were and she has dishoned them. We listened to her rant about that for a year and a half and afterwards, one by one, all 4 children broke contact with her. My deceased father was an enabler, a good man who loved his wife but was not strong enough to let go of mean wife. That was all he knew and experience with her was to be treated like a nobody. I do feel he knew he was sick but wished to let himself go because he could no longer stand her and did not know how to get away from her.

PBDm has moved to another city far away which we do not have contact with neighbour or anyone. Thankfully she does not use the internet or I would certainly hear vicious rumours about me and my sibblings online. At first, I thought, how am I going to know what is up with her, make sure she's ok. But now I know it's best for me not to know.

With that being said, I did what I had to do and so did my sibblings and my M's sibblings. All I know is you are in control as who you have on social media. You do not agreed or dislike any comments about you, then you remove them from your contacts and not have to deal with it. You have to turn the page and get to the next chapter and stop being stuck with the repetative negative bahaviour. The consequences of my M's actions and behavior does not belong to me. And if at anytime she does opt to end her life has nothing to do with me.

I hope it helps you understand the crazy circle this creates for us and it's up to you to detach from the circle or keep dancing with the wolves.

[Andeza]

Yes, I worry about it. UBPDm has had at least two attempts in her lifetime, so I do half wonder if I'll get that call from my Aunt sometime. But, M has no means to communicate directly with me unless she uses someone else's phone. Which, should I get any calls from relatives in her area, I'll just let them go to voicemail.

The thing I had to finally convince myself was that, if it happens, it's not my fault. And if she makes an attempt, unsuccessfully, I'm not responding. She frequently told me, in the last couple of years after Dad left her, that I was pretty much the only thing that brought joy and meaning to her life. I told her she needed a hobby. Nicely, of course, which she just laughed off.

You've got this, you'll be okay. We both will.

[Kiki81]

I would live my life.

You cannot cause someone to be suicidal and you can't stop someone either.

Live *your* life.

[GettingOOTF]

My BPDxH played the suicide card a lot. It kept me in the marriage for a long time.

His doctor once told me that people who threaten rarely follow though. People who are serious about it generally do it quietly. He said that when the people who threaten succeed it’s usually an impulse decision that involves alcohol/drugs.

I started calling 911 and the threats soon stopped. He found other ways though.

Nothing you do will cause someone to take such a drastic step. I agree with living  your own life.

I am NC with my FOO. I worry about this with one of my siblings as they have a history of mental health issues and are in a very abusive marriage. They aren’t one of the people who threaten it though, which is why I worry.

[Starboard Song]

We, too, have worried about my MIL committing suicide. It is a real possibility, and would of course be regrettable.

But then, it is a greatly attenuated thing, isn't it? It isn't like knocking over the first domino, and knowing you are responsible when the last one falls. In between your important decision and such a terrible downstream decision, there are weeks or months of other interactions, of important moral decisions and emotional reactions. I am describing steps that have a human being at the driver seat, making choices -- not at all like a domino. And almost none of those other steps would involve you, or have you making the decision.

That last domino is unlikely to ever fall. And if it did it would do so because of the large and complex world someone else faced, and a large suite of decisions they and others made. So take care of yourself first. If fears like this cause you to be more gentle in how you do it, great. But do not fail to care for yourself.

Starboard

[MiniWheat]

Wow tough one. And yet probably a very common concern with people in our situation.

What about your mental health? How much time/ energy realistically do those semi- monthly texts eat up?

Ultimately, it's about you, and your health. If you are staying VLC just because you are afraid they might commit suicide if you go NC, then in a way you are still caretaking and enmeshed. Totally get it though, in your shoes, I'd probably stay VLC, but that's part of my trauma and FOO history.

For me, going NC is very 'selfish' in a healthy way. I started to realize just how much of myself - years and years - had been 'lost' to being in the FOG and also suicidal myself. In a functioning relationship, caring for each other is really healthy. PDs are something else altogether though.

If you go NC I would ghost and block, rather than send a letter/ text of some type. Change your phone number and email maybe.

I'd love to hear what you decide. As I said, a tough one.

[Just Jay]

Oh, man, this is a tough one.  I've lost friends to suicide, some who gave signals, and some who didn't.

On the other hand, my uBPDm threatened suicide most of my life. It scared the hell of out me -- until it didn't.  When I started to say I'd call 911, it stopped. She then switched to "fighting for her life" due to medical issues, which are legit. So which is it, Mum - do you want to end your life, or fight for it? 

In our case, it turned out to be suicide threats or medical issues being brought up to manipulate. It's still going on with the people who are  in contact with her, which does not include me for 7 years.  Thank goodness. It's been a peaceful 7 years, even though there is so much pain from not having a decent relationship.

[Adria]

I don't know if these will help or not, but here are some awesome videos on going NC.
https://shoutout.wix.com/so/5bN02iNzQ?cid=5fac7506-8ebe-4a32-9572-ccd6a0fe8057&region=a9136d48-d12b-469e-334e-df65592b729c#/main