BPD mother professing ownership over my daughter...not allowed to move away.

[freedom77]

Another thing I have to get off my chest...

If you've read my other posts, then you might know I'm planning to go NC and move far away with daughter. I cannot do it yet, boy I would if I could now...but I'm locked into a year long contract with employer until August or face a $2k penalty, and have lease on new apartment until October, breaking it would also amount to about $2k and a negative rental reference. Not to mention need to shore up some money. The soonest I can leave is September-ish.

Leaving abusive relationships is very complicated, and many don't understand. It's not so simple as to pack a bag and catch a bus out of town, especially when you have minor children and other commitments.

I've been grey rocking mother, but she's sly and all-knowing. She has a sixth sense about things. She highly suspects I'm moving. WITHOUT HER.

Tonight I get text from her, stating that she's MY DAUGHTER'S SECOND MOTHER, and I am absolutely not allowed to move away without bringing her with us. That if I do, I am not only a horrible and evil person and daughter, but there will be consequences.

The first consequence she listed is she will kill herself. (I'm not worried she will actually go thru with it, as this is an age-old threat she's been using on me my entire life when she doesn't get her way, not one attempt ever made, just verbal threats and the cloud of blame that it'll be my fault she did it).

The second is that I will be permanently scarring my daughter for life, and daughter will grow to hate me for taking her away from her grandma and daughter will never forgive me. It will cause daughter to become a juvenile delinquent and run into the arms of a bad crowd, her life ruined.

The third is karma and God, karma will pay me back for being so selfish. God will also hold me accountable.

She concluded this threatening text with a statement that my daughter loves HER more than ME. And I should understand and respect this fact, and act accordingly.

Thoughts, anyone?

[FogDawg]

She sounds terribly unbalanced. Be sure that you keep the new address hidden from her and, also, get a restraining order, preferably ASAP.

[freedom77]

I'm in a awful bind. And I feel so ashamed about it.

The truth is she watches my daughter while I work. I've even considered not allowing this, and having my daughter just stay at home by herself, and getting her a cell phone,  but she's not quite 10. I don't have anyone else to help out.

When I move away, I'm hoping to find a job with shorter hours, or some alternative to child care.

I realize mother's crazy as a bedbug, and possibly dangerous, at least toward me. I worry incessantly about my daughter being with her. I don't think she would hurt my daughter, it's me she hates, and it's me she wants to control, even via my daughter. I worry what kinds of things she's saying to her. It's very stressful

I've been teaching my daughter grey rocking, and not to fall for grandma's tricks and not tell grandma our business. It's awful having to teach a little girl this stuff. I do worry what kind of psychological damage my daughter is going to confront. I gently, as age appropriate as possible, try to inform my daughter grandma has a mental illness. She expressed understanding of what I tell her, and she said I don't believe everything grandma says.  I also remind my daughter often it is not her job to make grandma happy, as mother has started implying this to daughter.

My only hope is that in September we can leave, and then heal. Once we're far away, time and distance will allow for us both to bloom.

My daughter believes grandma is a good grandma and she loves her because my mother has been decent to her, but she is starting to change toward her I've noticed. Since my daughter is getting older, mother is becoming more critical of her and even lies about her. Telling me daughter is sneaky, tells lies, can't be trusted, and other such rubbish. I think mother's motive is to skew my view of my daughter so I won't consider leaving daughter alone while I work. The only control mother has over me right now is child care.

I feel so trapped.

[Andeza]

I highly recommend you do a quick Google search and find out what the laws in your state say about how old a child has to be before they can be at home alone. I was surprised by how lenient, and young, the ages were in some places. If you trust your daughter, make sure you leave her snacks that don't require the microwave or the stove, and she's legally old enough, I say be done with your M. It makes sense that your M is starting up with this nonsense now, because your DD is old enough to think for herself and recognize that Grandma isn't the greatest person in the world after all.

Good luck to you!

[FogDawg]

I am sorry about your present situation. I'm sure that you are counting down the days until you are both free from the craziness. You are doing the best that you can in the meantime and your daughter sounds quite wise, especially for being so young.

[TwentyTwenty]

Sorry to hear you are going through this..

Threatening to commit suicide reveals serious mental issues. Personally I'd call 911 and have the text ready to show that she is unstable an fits the definition of 'Danger to themselves or others'. Google to check your state's criteria.

The police can do a well check and decide if she needs to be involuntarily committed.

[Maisey]

Tonight I get text from her, stating that she's MY DAUGHTER'S SECOND MOTHER,

This has been a major problem in my own life.   It was ingrained into my children's heads from day one. Its sick.

Discuss this topic with your daughter now, and try to reduce that contact.

You are being undermined as a parent, and your daughter's heart and mind is being twisted.

M.

[Brooke]

Discuss this topic with your daughter now, and try to reduce that contact.

You are being undermined as a parent, and your daughter's heart and mind is being twisted.

I agree with Maisey.

I also agree with TwentyTwenty about calling 911. The only thing I would add is I would tell your mother your intentions that every time she threatens suicide, this is what you'll be doing for her own safety.

[Fortuna]

You mentioned thinking about not having your mom as childcare, but not thinking it'd be feasible now.What ways do you have to be able to reduce the amount of contact your daughter has with your mother?

• If you need childcare for her can you ask a friend of yours/ a mom of a friend of your daughters to have her over after school once a week. Reciprocate by having their kid have a sleepover or a playdate when you are home. (Five playdates a week = no mom based childcare)
• Are there affordable options at the school for after school care through the school or around it? (Do you know and trust a high school student and can pay them babysitting fees?)
• Are there after school activities your daughter can join. Girl scouts is inexpensive and you might be able to find a troop that meets after school, some elementary schools have clubs and sports for free.

For each of these you can tell your mom, isn't it great she has friends to play with/activities to go to... Even if you don't have a solution for every day or all day, getting her out of your mother's care for longer until you can go NC is a win.

[MamaDryad]

It sounds like you're doing the right thing planning to get away. Your mother is awful, but you know that.

She's not going to kill herself, it sounds like. Even if she did, it would be her choice as an adult. If she threatens more imminently (like once she realizes you're really leaving), just call 911 and let her deal with the consequences of that lie.

Your daughter will be upset and confused, I'm sure, but she won't hate you. She may go through a phase of being angry at you, but with therapy and time, she's going to understand why your mother isn't a safe person to be around. It sounds like she's already starting to get that.

I'm not qualified to speak to the spiritual threats, as that's an intensely personal thing and I don't know what you believe, but I will just say, would you subscribe to a system of belief that dictates that you must perpetuate the cycle of abuse and sacrifice your own child to it? I bet you wouldn't.

Also, I hate to raise this specter, but make sure you know where you stand with respect to her filing a possible Grandparents' Rights claim. Even if she doesn't have a chance of winning, she could make a big legal nuisance for you, and the best thing you can do there is get out in front of it as much as possible.