My Husband Just Wants to Be Loved

[Zuul]

My Husband is amazing--smart, hardworking, generous, kind, empathetic, and the integrity of a saint.

Unfortunately, he is the son of 2 uNPDs that weild guilt and shame like knives against his throat.

He became estranged from them over this past year when the guilt-tripping, obligation-pressure, and ridiculousness became too severe  (ex. Telling him he owes everything to them, so he should divorce me and financially support them exclusively; claiming his brother "sacrificed his future" so my husband could go to college in America [his brother flunked out and his Dad flew him back home]; telling him that his wife "deserves" to be attacked by them, and all misfortune he ever had [health problems, business deal went south] are "punishments" he deserves for neglecting/not pleasing his parents)

We just had a baby and he is struggling with remaining estranged...they sent a flying monkey SIL to message him "you need to contact your mom" (no 'Congratulations' from  anyone he hasnt blocked, like his siblings). He knows he shouldnt contact them and the guilt trip they'll likely pull for denying them their grandchild will be nuclear. He also feels guilty when he sees my mother and brothers being so loving and supportive of our lives and FOC.

He just teared up today saying "I just want to be loved...I couldn't imagine treating our child the way they have treated me. But I still feel guilty"

I've asked him to consider going back to therapy, or use this forum and ACON networks for support, but he hasn't yet. I try to tell him everyday something I love and respect him for, to let him know his FOC loves him without conditions, and listen without judgement. He's just so amazing and he deserves to be loved and celebrated by his family, but we know they'll never change.

It kills me seeing him feel guilty, or hold back with people like my mom ("emotionally betraying" his family).

How can I help him or be more supportive? What was helpful for you in your FOCs when you came Out of the FOG and decided to cut the toxic parents out of your life?

[Gromit]

Zuul, wow, at least you have some understanding but I think your husband has to seek the help himself, for himself.

In my own circumstances my husband did not fully understand the situation. He is conventional and said we had to tell my parents about pregnancies etc, although, by the time our 2nd child was born he refused to call them to announce the birth, I called them the day after and got the anger from my mother because he didn't tell her. However, my parents did enough that by the time my youngest was 2 my husband was fully supportive of my decision to go VLC, they send cards for the kids on birthdays, Christmas, my kids say thanks.

I realised that being a parent was the hardest thing I would have to do, I needed to be as well as possible to do it, being in regular contact with my parents damaged my well-being, made it hard to be a good enough parent for my children. Stopping contact was protection of me and my children.

I do find it hard seeing how my husbands parents support him, but they also support me and it is reciprocal. I don't feel guilty about my parents, they had many chances and they made the choices that have led us to this situation. Now my father is dying and they have bemoaned the fact that they haven't seen their grandchildren in so many years I remember that they haven't actually tried to see them. They haven't taken a genuine interest in them or tried to resolve the situation. It is hard to see, 'happy families', however, there is a lot of dysfunction out there when you look for it.

Part of the work I believe we have to do is to grieve for what we didn't have. Over the last year or so I have discovered ACoA, a 12 step program for adult children. You can find information about it and the laundry list of traits that adult children share. It may strike a chord with your husband. Or, he may not be ready, it really is up to him.

Carry on doing what you are doing, look after yourself, the FOC is what is important.
G

[FogDawg]

He just teared up today saying "I just want to be loved...I couldn't imagine treating our child the way they have treated me. But I still feel guilty"

I've asked him to consider going back to therapy, or use this forum and ACON networks for support, but he hasn't yet. I try to tell him everyday something I love and respect him for, to let him know his FOC loves him without conditions, and listen without judgement. He's just so amazing and he deserves to be loved and celebrated by his family, but we know they'll never change.

The treatment is incredibly damaging and destroys one's self-esteem, yet it is difficult to come to the position of admitting that one never had proper parents. Learning to let go of the expectation of having a relationship with them is made ever harder by society's constant pounding into people's heads that family is everything and blood can do no wrong, bringing about guilt should one see the dysfunction and attempt to get away from it; a lot of second-guessing comes even when the person knows without a doubt that it is the right choice. I am glad that you are so supportive of your husband. There is really not much else that you can do. I hope that hearing enough positive attributes and being repeatedly shown that he matters will help him to work past these issues in time.

[Brooke]

The treatment is incredibly damaging and destroys one's self-esteem, yet it is difficult to come to the position of admitting that one never had proper parents. Learning to let go of the expectation of having a relationship with them is made ever harder by society's constant pounding into people's heads that family is everything and blood can do no wrong, bringing about guilt should one see the dysfunction and attempt to get away from it

This is so true and keeps so many of us enmeshed for far too long.

[Zuul]

Part of the work I believe we have to do is to grieve for what we didn't have. Over the last year or so I have discovered ACoA, a 12 step program for adult children. You can find information about it and the laundry list of traits that adult children share. It may strike a chord with your husband. Or, he may not be ready, it really is up to him.

Thank you Gromit! I will check out ACoA and file it with my "resources when ready" for DH 😀. Definitely need to not push him, like you said, just let him determine how he wants to deal with his well-being and let him grieve when ready.
I appreciate the advice and admire your resilience!

[Liketheducks]

I second ACA.   I'm also realizing that this is not something that gets "cured".   That abandonment gets triggered in most hard life events for me.    It's hard to feel lovable, in the hard times.   Hugs to you for supporting him through this.   Most of us who grew up with childhood trauma end up finding partners who either commit the same abuse or are emotionally unavailable.   He picked a good one.

[FogDawg]

I'm also realizing that this is not something that gets "cured".   

Exactly. Managed to the best of one's ability, but never totally overcome.