Guilt ridden & Finding answers

[April86]

I finally found a new therapist, he believes that from what I've told him, my mother most likely has BPD. This was a breakthrough for me as this is the most answers I've gotten about her. He seems to actually believe me.

After 1+ year of NC, my mother's calls have been more frequent and her messages sounding more desperate. She sounds sick, using her soft mousy voice, holding back tears. In none of those messages is there an apology. Just more manipulation to make me feel guilty and run back to her.

I know its an act, but I never wanted to hurt my mom or make her cry. Ignoring her goes against my own nature of wanting to protect her.

But I'm starting to see behind those tearful messages is nothing but self-interest. That even after all this time apart, she doesn't really want to make amends. I've always thought my mom was a really good person. Its terrifying to see just how much hate she has in her heart.

And yet I'm still afraid to take the final step of changing my number.

[FogDawg]

After 1+ year of NC, my mother's calls have been more frequent and her messages sounding more desperate. She sounds sick, using her soft mousy voice, holding back tears. In none of those messages is there an apology. Just more manipulation to make me feel guilty and run back to her.

It is rough, but you are seeing the truth right there. She is only interested in getting her own way, showing zero concern for you. A side of martyrdom and guilting seems to be the order of the day for many of us here If you cannot bring yourself to change your number, which is understandable, you still have the option to block hers, correct? I would suggest doing so.

[April86]

Yes, indeed   I have her number blocked but she can still leave messages. And i have to listen to them to erase them. My H has suggested he listen/erase them for me. I think i may do that instead.

[Psuedonym]

You don't have to listen to them, though. As your H suggested, periodically hand him the phone and say erase whatever's ion the blocked folder. That's what I do; I have no idea how many times she's called or what she's said. I do know what she has said to H, which is that I'm a liar, there's something 'wrong' with me, I'm mentally unstable, etc. etc. When its been explained to her explicitly that she's never going to talk to me again if she doesn't change her behavior, her response has been that SHE'S NOT GOING TO APOLOGIZE BECAUSE SHE HASN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG AND SHE'S NOT GOING TO LIE!

Here's something that might help you. I think it was Richard Grannon who pointed out that whenever you break free from a PD person, you are mostly likely feeling exactly what that person wants you to feel. Really think about that. Your mother, your own mother, calls you up and leaves messages not to try to mend the relationship but to try to make you feel like shit about yourself, because she thinks that's what you deserve. The guilt you are feeling is not deserved or really actually your own, its been planted in your head.. You're letting her continue to abuse by listening to the messages. You don't have to anymore. You don't deserve that.

[April86]

You don't have to listen to them, though. As your H suggested, periodically hand him the phone and say erase whatever's ion the blocked folder. That's what I do; I have no idea how many times she's called or what she's said. I do know what she has said to H, which is that I'm a liar, there's something 'wrong' with me, I'm mentally unstable, etc. etc. When its been explained to her explicitly that she's never going to talk to me again if she doesn't change her behavior, her response has been that SHE'S NOT GOING TO APOLOGIZE BECAUSE SHE HASN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG AND SHE'S NOT GOING TO LIE!

Wow, my mother has also said all of these things. Making me out to be a nutcase. Implying how my H is too good for me and i don't  deserve him. Its crazy hearing how everyone's stories are somewhat similar.

You're right, guess I am just torturing myself at this point. I wont listen to her messages anymore.

[stasia]

If DH is willing to listen to and/or erase the messages for you, please don't feel bad for taking him up on that! He offered, and he likely is not as affected by what's in the messages as you are. Before I went NC I had my partner do this for me, and found to my surprise that he was completely immune to her waif tone of voice. Didn't even notice it. It didn't bother him. He was happy to do this for me.

It was scary for me to change my phone number but I am SO SO glad that I did. It is a relief that I can now work a full day without fearing that my voicemail has been filled up with screaming and tears and waifing, as it was most days when I had her blocked but wasn't NC yet. I felt a little more free, though really I won't feel totally free until she is dead.

[GettingOOTF]

One of the things I’m learning is that It was never my job to protect my parents. This has been eye opening for me. They instilled such a sense of guilt and obligation on me as a child and I carried that with me in to my 40s. I’m only now starting to see how manipulative they were. My father now plays the “I’m an old man” card to get us to do his bidding, but I know men his age who are perfectly self sufficient, have full active lives.

[FogDawg]

I felt a little more free, though really I won't feel totally free until she is dead.

That is the sad truth. So long as there is any chance of them popping back up and causing a stir, there is never a feeling of safety.

[Brooke]

Here's something that might help you. I think it was Richard Grannon who pointed out that whenever you break free from a PD person, you are mostly likely feeling exactly what that person wants you to feel. Really think about that.

I think this is good for everyone struggling with no contact to hear - including me, so thank you!

[April86]

I felt a little more free, though really I won't feel totally free until she is dead.

That is the sad truth. So long as there is any chance of them popping back up and causing a stir, there is never a feeling of safety.

Lately I've been feeling these things, i feel terrible for it. But for her sake and mine, I just want the suffering to stop for everyone ya know?

[FogDawg]

Lately I've been feeling these things, i feel terrible for it. But for her sake and mine, I just want the suffering to stop for everyone ya know?

You have my complete understanding. As far as I am concerned, wishing for a permanent end to it is showing a form of compassion, as they have to also be tremendously miserable.

[April86]

One of the things I'm learning is that It was never my job to protect my parents. This has been eye opening for me. They instilled such a sense of guilt and obligation on me as a child and I carried that with me in to my 40s. I'm only now starting to see how manipulative they were.

Its like a lifelong deprogramming. When I was a kid my mom told me that its the daughter that cleans and cooks for the mother, serves her breakfast in bed, and should treat her "like a princess". I can't believe i was made to believe those things.

[April86]

Lately I've been feeling these things, i feel terrible for it. But for her sake and mine, I just want the suffering to stop for everyone ya know?

You have my complete understanding. As far as I am concerned, wishing for a permanent end to it is showing a form of compassion, as they have to also be tremendously miserable.

Thank you so much for understanding.