Really upset with my mum

[Spirit in the sky]

I'm really struggling with my mum's behaviour towards my dad. I get she doesn't want to support him with his illness because in her mind it's not happening. But she is getting really resentful if I help him in any way. I was there this morning and her and I were having tea and I asked my dad did he want a coffee. So I made him coffee and a snack. She was really angry, asking me why I made it for him. I explained I made her tea so why shouldn't I make him coffee. Her reply was he didn't deserve it !

I told her I accepted she doesn't want to do anything for him but I can't pretend he doesn't exist, and I have no problem doing something kind for him. She went on about it defeating the purpose of her refusing to help him, she really does want to punish him. I'm really not comfort taking sides and I don't see the need, but she is making me feel like I'm betraying her by not doing as she tells me.

Maybe my sympathy for my dad is misguided, I know he has his problems but he's not a bad person. I really can't dismiss his illness and ignore him. I know this is triggering major feelings of discomfort for me, even at 47 years old displeasing my mother is a terrifying thought. Rationally I know she has no power over me and she will eventually get over the sulking but it brings all my childhood trauma flooding back.

She's so used to getting her own way, no one ever challenges her. She looks at me with complete contempt and I feel like a little girl be scolded for not doing as I'm told. I know this is coming up because I have to face it and I don't want to.

[SunnyMeadow]

It might be better for your dad if he were elsewhere, especially as his disease progresses. Your mom having the most basic of compassion for your dad as he struggles through terminal cancer doesn't seem too much to ask from her. I would honestly have a very hard time not being angry with her over this and telling her how angry. I know that may backfire somehow so I realize this is a tricky thing to navigate.

I can't figure out why he doesn't deserve a cup of coffee and a snack made by someone who is already in the kitchen making tea. 

This has got to be horrendously hard on you. I can't imagine going through my father having terminal cancer and my mother acting this way.

[Spirit in the sky]

Thanks Sunny Meadow,

I have learnt from experience showing an reaction or emotion with my mother makes her worse. She gets defensive and either goes into a rage  about how terrible her life is or starts crying and telling me how cruel I am to upset her and she can't cope and why is this happening to her.

There really is NO reasoning with her. And the crazy thing is she really doesn't see she's doing anything wrong. Because she's in denial about his illness, she's just behaving the way she always does if someone doesn't follow her rules.

Truthfully he isn't helping the situation, deliberately not taking his medication to get attention is ridiculous. Making no effort to help himself but when he's with his friends he's totally different. They really are bad for each other, when they spilt up 20 years ago he came begging for a second chance knowing what she's like. It's codependency to the extreme.

It might be better for your dad if he were elsewhere, especially as his disease progresses. Your mom having the most basic of compassion for your dad as he struggles through terminal cancer doesn't seem too much to ask from her. I would honestly have a very hard time not being angry with her over this and telling her how angry. I know that may backfire somehow so I realize this is a tricky thing to navigate.

I can't figure out why he doesn't deserve a cup of coffee and a snack made by someone who is already in the kitchen making tea. 

This has got to be horrendously hard on you. I can't imagine going through my father having terminal cancer and my mother acting this way.

[GentleSoul]

I am so sorry you have this going on.  You are not alone. 

When my dad was diagnosed with cancer, my PD mum was jealous.   Bitter and angry over the attention he was getting.  Red hot raging anger.

To give a bit of background, they had been divorced for about 30 years but still she was seething and angry.  She actually went round to his home and was nasty to him as he was slumped in his armchair feeling so ill. 

When he was in hospital in his last few days, she attempted to go and see him to, most likely, rant at him again but fortunately we managed to prevent it.

The depth of this sickness of Personality Disorders is truly staggering to me. 

Sending kindness and strength to you.